A recap of 2009.......

Start with the low points first.....

I'm still single. Yes, a lot of it's my fault. I refuse to get over my ex and I still feel we could make it work again one day. He was broken, then I was broken. Maybe if when we're both well, we can make it work. There is too much history, too much there, too many good times still happening. But I'm still alone. I'm going to bed every night alone and I will wake up to the first day of 2009 all alone.

I'm still in the same job. I hate it. I swore to myself last year that I wouldn't be in this job and I still am. FAIL.

My health isn't great. My eating disorder is manifesting itself in a lot of ways and I can't handle a lot of things - eating in public, eating in general sometimes. I've put on weight that I didn't want too, my depression got worse and I can't sleep about 75% of the time.

My finances are screwed. I've got people threating me left right and center. I've got creditors phoning me, writing to me, sending threats and solicitors letters. I don't know what I'm going to do, honestly.

*SIGH*

Positives.... I suppose I can find a few....

Yes, my eating disorder is manifesting itself in other ways - but I'm purge free for almost 18 weeks. That's the most I've managed since I developed bulimia.

I finally got health insurance. I might finally be able to get my teeth fixed in the New Year.

I've been promoted to Store Manager. Yes, I hate my job with a passion and prey for a new one - but hey, I'm bloody good at a job I hate!

I've landed a volunteer position with a theatrical web based company. I need it if I'm to get anywhere in the arts and it's a great step.

I'm still studying. I enjoy that, at least.

I've started to go to a support group for people with eating disorders. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

I'm finally receiving medical treatment for my depression. I never thought I'd be able to do that, either.


Resolutions for 2009

Control my weight. No, not eating disorder related, but by going to a natropath or something, to find out how to put my metabolism back in order. My years of starving, binging, purging, starving etc, it's no longer working. I eat semi normally and my weight goes up. It's not right.

Get out of my house. My depression has caused me to be shut inside myself a lot of the time. I go out to the pub once a week, then only when I'm with G. I need to get out before I loose myself in myself all together.

Get Arts experience anyway I can.

Keep studying and actually try and do better this time!

Get organised!!!! If I want to be busy, then I need NOT to forget what the hell I'm supposed to do!!!

Resolve myself with G. Get him to remember why he loved me. Grasping at straws, but I need to try.

Try and be happy.......

Bring on 2009

'Cause 2008 has really sucked arse.

I'm still stuck in a job I hate. I've go no money. My credit rating has been screwed.

Next year I will get organized and get HAPPY.

I'm not putting any other pressures on myself but that. No more promises. No more crappy resolutions. Just get my shit together and get a happy life.

14 weeks.....

That's how long it's been since I purged. Am I proud? HELL YES. Has it been hard? FUCK YEAH.

I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.

No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.

So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.

Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.

I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.

I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.

My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.

I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.

Bye for now.

Somehow, I think I missed what happens next....

At 28 year old, I've had two serious relationships.

The first - if you could call it a relationship - was with my employer. He was married, but started a physical relationship with me at 19 years of age. The affair lasted 3 years. I loved him, but he didn't love me back - or so I thought. It turns out that the idea of being with someone 17 years younger then him scared him off. I was also his employee and he didn't want the 'town talking'. Just a few months ago, he says he regrets not trying harder.

My second relationship was with G. He was a friend of my brothers and we met after a show they did together. I mentioned to my brother that he seemed nice and the next thing I know my brother had set up a lunch with the three of us. After a day spent together, we'd exchanged details and 4 weeks later I'd moved in with him. 4 years and 4 months later, he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and that he hadn't for some time. 10 months after that, we each moved out. I still see him, but he has another girl friend.

4 months ago, a new sales rep came into my store. We got chatting and it became a regular occurrence that he'd come in and we'd spend most of the time talking to each other. He's funny, quite good looking and really interesting. I don't really know how much we have in common, but I do know that 2 years and 6 months after G broke my heart, I'm interested in someone else for the first time.

The thing is, some where along the lines, I missed what happens next. I never found out what you do after you realise you like someone.

As bad as this sounds, I've never had to fight or pursue someone. My first relationship was initiated by the guy and the second was one of those unique moments where you both fall for each other at exactly the same second.

I think this guy is interested in me. Other stores have told me that he only ever spends 15 or 20 minutes there, yet at my stores, it's always double that. Yesterday, we spent the better part of a hour talking to each other. He seems to try and time his runs to my store to be the last stop.

I just don't know what to do. After G, I'm terrified of being rejected again.

What happens next? What am I supposed to do???

Update

I'm still purge free. 10 weeks. Should be proud but it's bloody hard. I've lost a huge part of my life and as well as being in a state of mourning, I've lost any ability to release pressure and stress. I've got nothing left.

My third Christmas in a job I despise is rapidly approaching, after I swore I wouldn't be there this time last year.

On a positive note, I was so proud that Obama won the race to the White House. Apart from supporting Democrat Policy, I know what it's like to be in a minority group and strive to be heard. I went through primary school and high school bullied because my family had no money, my Father was Chinese and I never fit in. I developed and eating disorder because I thought people would like me if I was thin and joined another minority group through that process as well. Black, white, yellow, male, female, whoever you are, you can achieve your dreams. THAT'S what Obama has told us.

I'm seeing a GP on Wednesday, with the intention to ask for anti depressants. I admit. I need them. Does this make me happy? NO FUCKING WAY. I've spent the last 5 years denying that I need them. The last five years telling myself I'm fine. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to be smiling and laughing one minute, then sobbing into my pillow for hours the next. That small, stupid things upset me and that I get angry over absolutely nothing. It's not okay. I admit it. It's not. It's not normal, it's not okay and my feeling like I want to take my own life isn't something I should just push past. I'm going to ask for a prescription. I will do it.

I HATE my job.

I'm a Store Manager. So FUCKING WHAT??? Yes, I have a job, yes I should be grateful I earn 'decent' money. Yes I should be grateful it's full time. WHY DOES THAT MEAN I CAN'T HATE IT? I get called into work at any bloody hour that staff feel like they don't want to work anymore. I get blamed for poor sales/performance, even thought the problem is NOBODY has money to buy things. It's apparently my fault that the weather is bad and blows things away, and that the last managers were fuckwits who ran the store into the ground with no idea or care in the world. I'm the one who has to make it right, in a job that I really didn't want in the first place, then I get told that the money i'm on and the fact that I have a job means that I don't really have the right to complain.

I'm watching my friends and relatives happily go on with their lives... get married, buy houses, get new phones, go out to the theatre, have friends over, find new partners.... where am I??? AT WORK. No one seems to understand that my job doesn't let me have a life. I had to give up full time study and go part time, because I missed the first 3 lectures of a course - because I had to work. If someone doesn't/can't go in, it's me that replaces them. We're 24 hours. Period.

My mother changed the time of her birthday party - to suit my sister. My sister has something on that night. When I mentioned that I probably couldn't go, due to the time, she said 'oh, well I've already changed it because your sister couldn't make it. Oh well'. My sisters fucking social life came over my employment. I work weekends, public holidays, Christmas day. Nights, whatever. I don't work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday like ever other person I know.

I hate it. I'm sick of being punished. I'm sick of being left behind. I want out. NOW.

Another month..... and a BIG milestone.....

Tomorrow, I will be purge free for 1 whole month. It is the longest I've gone in over four years. I may actually be longer then that, I'm not really sure....

My last date of purging was on Thursday the 28th of August. Why did I stop? Lots of reasons, but my teeth were/are a big factor. I looked into the mirror on the Thursday and saw that my two front teeth are going grey and more translucent. They're wasting away. Aside from that, I was getting crippling stomach cramps, which I put down to something relating to my period or another reproductive system problem - but which went away when I stopped purging. Every time I ate, the food either started to come up on its own, because that's what my body thought it was supposed to do - or I would get more cramps and feel so bloated, that I purged just to stop it. It was a cruel cycle.

Now, I'm eating, sort of. I will admit to fasting. I will admit that I skip meals, see how long I can go without eating, limit my calories and exercise more, but as I keep telling myself, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Yes, my body still isn't happy with food inside it and I get bloated easily, feel sick sometimes just from eating and have other.... digestive issues, but I know I needed to stop. It was stop, or have my body stop.

In other news, I've been promoted at work. I am now a store manager. More responsibility, stress, hours and problems for $11 extra a week. I can't complain, it's what I wanted. It's what I wanted in THIS job, anyway.

I still want a new job. I keep looking, keep applying and NOTHING. It's starting to depress me more then anything else at the moment.

My sessions with the psychologist are going alright, I guess, but I'm avoiding him at the moment. It's a long way away to see him and it's draining to spend an hour and 15 minutes talking about my problems and finding only dead ends, rather then solutions. I know I have to go, but I need to have the energy to do it, otherwise it's pointless.

I'm still seeing my ex. I still want more from him, but for now, I'm happy for the laughter, stories and experiences we share. I want to make our time a enjoyable distraction from the time his spends stressing about his work and other things. Maybe he'll want something more, eventually.... I can only dream....

My studies are going well. I got a Distinction for one of my Masters classes and am still waiting for the other grade. The funny thing is, I'll actually complete the qualifications for my Masters, before I complete the ones for my Grad Dip. How silly is that!!! I'm actually starting to think about what to study next.....

Tomorrow, I start eight days in a row at work. All by myself. No assistant. Anything happens, there is only me to be contacted. It's going to be hellish, I can tell.

I know, it's been almost 3 months......

It's true, life gets in the way of you living life.

I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.

University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.

I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.

I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.

He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.

My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.

I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.

My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.

I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?

Oh well.

Wow.... It's been a month....

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted last. This last month has flown by, sadly...

Only 9 days left of my holidays. I'm so disappointed with myself, I haven't gotten half of what I wanted to get done done. My house is still a mess, my photos are still unsorted, theatre stuff still in a pile and my tax stuff..... I'm going to get as much done as I can in the next few days. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I'm moving again at work. New store. I wish I could say new beginning, but the store isn't going to be great. More till work, less managment, exactly what I hate. No job opportunities out there, I'm not qualified and not experience. My ex keeps saying something will come up. Maybe, maybe not.

My ex has convinced me to put together a managment proposal for my old pub. I've been complaining about the staff running it, and he says that if I could do it better, I should put it in writing and try. Tell them what I think is going wrong, what I can bring to it and how much money they'll save by hiring me. It will also get me out of the current job that I hate so much. All I can do is try. As he said, the worst they can say is no.

As for my ex, he's still with her. He's seen me a lot during my holidays, which has been lovely. He says that when I go back to work, he'll still make time for me. It won't be the same amount as the last three weeks, but I'm happy he's still willing to see me. I know that in the past I've been demanding and made him feel bad for not spending more time with me. I'm beginning to realize that all that does is make him upset with me and reluctant to see me because I made him feel bad. How stupid could I be? By making him feel bad and pushing him away, all was doing was making him not want to see me. I'm trying to make him see what he used to see in me, so that he might fall in love with me again. That was never going to happen if he resented spending time with me because I made him feel guilty. I'm going to take the time he gives me and cherish it. Have fun with him. See where it might take us. The last few weeks have been wonderful and I've seen some of the old signs. The looks, the occasionally flirtatious comments. The other day, we were watching Sex and the City together and Big told Carrie that she wasn't worthless. She was worth a million. My ex told me that went double for me. That same day, he told me I had to go for an audition because I would be great. He gave me that same smile I remember so well.

I've already been out with him and his partner. It seemed important to him, so I went. When I asked why he wanted me to, he said that I was an important part of his life, and that he wanted me to be a part of his life outside my house. It didn't go so well, but I'm going to try again next month.

R came to see me last week. We slept together, on my bed, with his son in the next room. I had and still have mixed feelings. He's married. He has a child. We had a connection once, but I think that he now feels it more then me. It was just sex. I was nervous, but only because I hadn't done it in..... a long time. There was no excitement for me. Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex.

As for my friend, things have been fun. Sometimes I really think it would work between us. We have an amazing connection. I stayed at his place a few weeks ago and it was lovely. I'm seeing him this weekend, I hope. Outside the pub. It will be interesting! On a slightly sour note, he's noticed I've gained weight. Him and S were talking about how much healthier I looked outside of work. They said I'd even gained weight and looked healthy. When my friend joked that I'd be back to the way I was in two weeks, S said I'd better not be. I'm not sure what that meant. I know he has strong feelings for me now, but I'm not sure exactly what he'd do if my health went backwards again! Anyway, a little later on, my friend made a joke about me being fat now. I know he meant it as a joke. Earlier on, when he said I looked healthy and he said I'd put on weight, he emphasized that he thought I still looked good. None the less, the joke hurt. Every night since then, I've been on my tread mill.

The sad thing is, is that I don't want to be healthy. I don't want to look good. Healthy and good means fat. I can't be fat. I told my ex that I'd put on a kilogram and he was so proud of me. I hate that I want to work against him, but I hate that I've put on weight. I can't stand it. It has to go. I'm not weighing myself till Friday, the day I'm seeing my friend next. I hope I'll be less healthy by then.

If I'm healthy, no one will like me anymore. No one will love me.

I don’t understand......

I don’t understand what makes me unlovable, I don’t understand why I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t understand what I did wrong.

I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.

You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?

I don’t understand what went wrong.

Did it all mean nothing?

One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?

How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?

I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.

I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.

I just don’t understand what I did wrong.

It was bound to catch up with me, he says.......

I had more blood tests a little while ago. They're STILL trying to find out what's causing the tingling, swollen veins and weird feelings in my hands. I also had the nerve endings tested in my hands and feet. The nerve tests came out fine. My blood tests, not so much.

They showed low B12 levels. B12 is what helps run the central nervous system, brain function and energy levels. They also showed a low white cell count, which could mean my body is struggling to fight something more sinister and finally a high immune count, which could mean my body starts to fight healthy tissue and cells.

I've been given a prescription for B12 injections, once a month for three months. I also have a prescription for tablets to take between the injections. In three months time, I need to go back, have more blood tests and see my specialist again to see what's happening. If anythings improved, great, if not, more tests as something else could be going on.

I told my ex what happened at the doctors. His response? "it was bound to catch up with me". He told me that after 10 years of abusing my body, it was was bound to fuck up eventually. He's right. I know he's right. I just hate hearing it out loud.

Slowly, my body is reacting to years of bad nutrition, purging and exercising. I'm not giving my body what it needs to function. I pray to God that the artificial B12 I take helps. If not, apparently I need to take a serious look at my eating habits, apparently. The doctor knows I'm bulimic. He knows I've struggled with eating disorders for 10 years. I'm petrified that he means the next step is something more drastic.

I'm scared.

I didn't get it.

Not even an interview for the second job. And it looks like I'm being ignored by my own work. Not a word about the fact that I put my name forth for a managment role.

I really give up. I try so hard and get shot down every time. Next time I apply for a job, I'm docking my resume down to the bare minimum. No more info then necessary. I'm going to decided what I'm qualified. NOT BUREAUCRATIC IDIOTS.

On a different note, I was at the pub last night, and my friend invited me to go on a holiday with him! I'm betting that he was so pissed that he'll forget. I'm betting he doesn't remember the questions he asked me, either.

Why don't I have a boyfriend???

Because the first man I ever loved was happy to have sex with me for more then two years, but never wanted to have a relationship with me. He told me I was too young, then he marries someone only 3 years older then me.

The second guy I love promised me the world. We would marry, have kids and grow old together. 4 1/2 years later, he woke up one morning and told me it was over. He didn't love me and hadn't loved me for some time. He'd lied to me for goodness only knows how long. He broke my heart. I still love him. I still believe he's my sole mate. But he says he doesn't love me and is with someone else.

Gee. Two people I've loved who didn't love me back. I wonder why I've given up on the idea of finding someone else to love, who actually loves me back.

What the FUCK am I doing wrong????

Get experience, they say.

So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.

I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.

So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???

If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???

Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.

I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.

Eating disorder #1 - Me - #0

Well, the eating disorder won this week.

On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.

Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.

Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.

Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.

The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.

Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.

Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.

I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.

I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.

Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.

Bloody hell.... I can't control myself, can I?????

Yesterday, after a binge/purge session, I decided that a dinner of spinach and fruit, followed by laxatives was in order. Flush my system out so I could start again. Well, the laxatives took affect, after a night of cramping and dehydration, and I thought I'd be ok.

Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.

So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.

On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.

So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.

So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!

How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.

As promised.....

This, I stole from Masq.....

Two Names You Go By:
Amie
Strayed

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
Black pants
Purple shirt dress

Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
Love
Humor

Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
Act (on the stage)
Spend time with friends

Two pets you had/have:
Allie - Domestic short hair
Dilly - I thought domestic, but now believe to be Maine Coon

Two Things You Want sooner rather than later.
To be loved
Financial stability

Two things you did last night:
Slept
Watched A LOT of TV

Two things you ate today:
McDonalds (Sometimes I hate my ex...)
Pumpkin soup (99% fat free)

Two people you Last Talked To:

In person:
My ex
Person who sold me my groceries

On the phone:
My ex
My boss

In my head or under my breath:
My sister
Masq!!!


Two Things You’re doing tomorrow:
Writing an email to my boss
Sorting out my Beanie Kids

Two longest car rides:
Adelaide to Melbourne
Adelaide to Sydney (Bus really, but still excruciating)

Two Favorite Drinks:
Peppermint tea
Creaming soda


I have a major work dilemma that's doing my head in. Put my name forth to be promoted to store manager, or keep my mouth shut and hope I get one of the two jobs I've applied for. If I put my name forth, then leave if I get one of my other jobs, I'm going to have made trouble with my boss, by showing interest and having her consider me, when I had not intention of taking the job. I'm also going to look like I'm.... double crossing... I don't know.

If I don't put my name forth, then miss out on my other jobs, I'm left in a position that I don't like. That I can't grow in and feel smothered by.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Oh my.......what a weekend.....

My weekend away was...... I don't really know where to start...

The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.

Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.

Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.

The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.

He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.

But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.

The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.

I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!

I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.

On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.

So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.

Well, I'm off in an hour...

My weekend away with my friend and S, to see R. My week with N is over and I'm really sad about it. He's found another job, too. Moving away and everything.

My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.

This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!

Happy Birthday to me!

I went to work today. For three hours, on my birthday, what was supposed to be my day off, I went into work. I did it for him. For N. I want him to see my dedication. Yes, I don't like my job. I'm smarter then my job. I outgrew it after my three months of training. But this doesn't mean my commitment and dedication leaves my work. I take pride in my work. I want to do it well, even thought I can't say that I enjoy it or even like it. N and I always have fun, though. We laugh and tease each other, while getting work done. It's probably the best working relationship I've had in a long time. I just wish we could actually BECOME involved.

My ex rang at about 10am. He'd come over, so I left work to join him. Bless the wonderful man. He'd done the dishes, cleaned my kitchen, organized my house and stayed all day with my family. Most of my family were here. My sister and cousin couldn't make it, but that's alright. My ex served food, found drinks, moved chairs, took plates away and was just amazing. He made me laugh and was a darling.

R rang and left the funniest message this morning. I unfortunately missed his call, but it started with 'g'day you gorgeous, sexy, young 28 year old'. He always makes me laugh, that man. I love him to death. I'll get to see him this weekend. I'm a little apprehensive and nervous, but I know it will be great fun. Our time together always is.

So, that's my birthday for 2008. If my Dad were here, it would have been perfect. Well, almost perfect. If my ex actually loved me back and we were together again as partners, then it would have been perfect.

I love you, Dad.

If I hear those works again, so help me God......

If only you were ten years older.....

My friend used those words last night. I am so fucking sick of hearing it. Just when I think things might work between us, he says those words. I was ready to smack him across the head. He chased me. He's tried to kiss me, take me to his bed, have me stay over so many times, made innuendos, suggestions and everything else, then, when I finally think that maybe.... he drops it on me.

Next weekend, he's taking me away, apparently. It's gone from the three of us (my friend, myself and another friend, S), going away, to him taking me away. I think he realizes I've been stressed out with work and un-well and he's decided that it's his job to get me away from the weekend so I can relax. I do appreciate that, and I care for him deeply, but why did he have to say those works??

I can't stop thinking about my work mate, N. I just wish that things were different. I truly care about him... It just isn't fair.

I'm planning on working my arse off tomorrow and Tuesday. We have 2 store visitsI and as much as I really don't like my job, I sadly take pride in my work and want things to look good.

Yesterday, after the lovely day I spent with my ex, seeing a show, having lunch and visiting his brother, I actually went back to work to see N. It started out as some lame excuse to find out about an order, and ending in me staying for two hours. When he finished at the till and went out the back to the office, we were chatting and I shifted my purse and keys. He looked at me and asked if I was leaving. I asked why and did he want me to stay and he said yes. We talked, laughed... then went into a discussion about work, again. He understands me so well. He understands that even though I don't like my work, I still want to do well. He's the only one who can understand. We kept laughing, he smiled at me, not only with his face, but with his eyes. He kept touching my shoulders, my side, my hair, in that soft and gentle way...... *SIGH*

I want N to realize how hard I work and admire me for it.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

I finally find someone I could move on with.....

And he's leaving soon. He works for the same company as me. He's also an assistant manager and one of the most gentle, sweet, funny, and kindest men I've ever met. We get on so well. We always laugh together, smile and have so much fun when we work together. We can tease each other, then talk seriously within the same few minutes.

We would be so good together, I know it. And by the way he's started to touch me, smile at me and look at me, I think he might feel something too. The thing is, is that he's leaving soon, to move to another town with his girlfriend.

After 18 months of not even wanting to LOOK at another guy, I've founds someone I could actually start a relationship with, and he's attached. He's in a relationship and he's moving away.

And my ex is moving in with his girlfriend. After telling me he wouldn't, after promising he would be honest with me, I over heard a conversation and learned the truth. He was upset. He told me how much he was sorry and how he didn't want to loose me as a friend, but I just don' know any more. I love him so much and I don't know if I could imagine life without him being a part of it, but how do I trust someone who can't be honest with me? As I told him, it hurts when I hear he's moving on with his life, but I'd rather hear it from him and not someone else. I'm still determined to win him back, I just wish he'd at least be honest with me, so that our relationship could progress. He said he'd been a coward and didn't want to hurt me. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.

Last night was wonderful. Seeing the show. After we'd talked and I'd gotten upset and had time to calm down, we had a good night. Yesterday and today, seeing those educational shows was incredible. We shared a wonderful experience and I think it helped bring us a little closer. We'll see what happens, I guess. To feel so apart, then so close is just hard.

I was in tears last night, because I was so hurt to hear he was moving in with her. Then, this calmness fell over me, and I thought 'it will be ok. We'll be together eventually'. I don't know why this thought came to me, but the tears stopped and I was ok. Was it a message from my Dad? A reckless hoping? I don't know. It just felt so right. Like it's really going to happen. Only time will tell.

And it all falls apart.......

I thought I'd be Ok, I really did. I thought I could just look forward to everything good that's coming up. My trip away with my good friends. Seeing 5 shows with my ex. All the nice things he has planned for both his birthday and mine. Working with my favorite manager.

But I can't be happy. I can't look forward to anything. Friday week, it will be 1 year since my beautiful father left this earth. One year since I heard his laugh, saw his smile, felt his love. I still feel his love, I feel his presence, but I miss him so much it hurts me. He was the dearest man in my life and he's gone.

And I'm devastated. Why did he have to go? Why did his illness take him? Why did my Daddy leave me?

The one man I thought would understand, would be there for me, my ex who lost HIS father, has decided to keep his distance. Yes, I'm spending most of the weekend with him, but It's NOW that I need him and he's not here. He left me last night, when he could see I was upset. He wouldn't answer my messages tonight. Does he care?

I thought about it a lot last night. If I ended my life, who would care? Who would come? Could I see my Dad again??

The one and only thing that's kept me here? The thought that if I made it to Heaven, somehow, my dear Dad would take one look at me and cry. He would be so hurt and so sad that I ended my time on this earth that he fought so hard to stay on. He would be devastated.

I can't end it here not knowing how much it would hurt Daddy. I just wish that my ex could..... would...... I don't know. Prove that he is actually my friend. That he actually cares. Not ignore me. Not disregard me. Not leave me. He has no idea.

My kidney infection came back. I'm on an anti-biotic so strong that I feel worse then when I had the infection. Nausea, diarrhea, craps, dizziness, sweats. It really sucks. My uni is suffering. I have to get back into gear. I need my motivation. Maybe once the anniversary is over, I can begin my life again, but at the moment....... I just don't know.

Stuff it.

Why am I always there for people who are only there for me when it's convenient? I needed him today, but it was all about his work, how hectic he is and how he just doesn't have the time.

It was the same on Sunday. All about his problems, his life. It must be tough having a job you like. It must be hard having no bills. It must be tough having so many people, including your current girlfriend, love you? It mas be so HARD BEING YOU. Yet when I got upset, when I needed him, it all got too hard. My problems are never as important. My problems never matter.

At work, all I am is the person who does the job. Our store gets reviewed. The only reason we didn't fail was because of me. I organized the store. I change the labels, I implement the changes. I clean the store, I do the work. Yet you walk around behind our boss and take credit for every change that is made. You brag about your wages, how great you are at your job, yet I do your job! You come in and complain about your hard life, and I follow behind, your shadow who can do the job better in 6 months, then you ever could it 10 years.

Stuff you all. You want me? Prove it. Until then, I’m there for me and me alone.

Well, it's official....

My ex has another girlfriend. It's strange, though. I felt really sad and hurt for about a day, then this feeling of calmness washed over me. It's as though I KNOW it won't last long. He may not come rushing back to me right away, but I know it's going to happen. My feelings of love for him are so strong and he's making every effort possible to be with me, spend time with me and look after me. It's not just friendship. It's not just him being nice. It means something. We are drawn together. We have a bond and while his focus is elsewhere, he will eventually wake up and realize that we're not just friends and that he wants something more. He remembers why he loved me and why he planned on spending the rest of his life with me.

In the mean time, I saw my friend last Friday night. It was nice. Lovely and fun, even. He's taken to playing the 'I have a girlfriend' routine. It's funny. This older woman (much closer or even past his age) has seriously fallen for him.... she comes in around 9pm on a Friday night, puts his arms around him, makes him buy him drinks.... last Friday, I suspect she dragged him to her house for a while... maybe they had sex, who knows? But what happened after? He came back to me. Talked with me, smiled, joked about our past..... is she just a mask? A 'look, I have a girlfriend, so I can play around with this younger woman and it doesn't matter' kind of thing? I know he worries about his teenage daughters - hell, I do to. It's one of the reasons why I'm not sure a serious relationship would ever work between us. I know he also worries about the 'small town' mentality. Him dating a woman 23 years younger would definitely cause a stir. And hell, he's probably a horny bugger - he's a man, of course he wants sex. I'm not willing to give that to him - I'm not sure I ever would - so if he can get it, good on him! I only worry that he's using her. I've been used before and I don't like seeing it happen to someone else, no matter how I feel about the person.

But, who knows? We're planning a weekend to go away and see R. Another friend of ours, has told us he's coming regardless... not really sure how that's going to work..... maybe we should just plan it with out him! Cruel, I know, but I wouldn't mind some time away with just my friend... It might help sort out some feelings.....

Anyway, I have work in a hour. God I hate Mondays and Tuesdays. I'm stuck on the till and I HATE it. I became a manager so I wouldn't have to put up with that shit. Oh well.

A random post of thoughts.....

ARRRHGGGGG.....

Why does he lie??? Why does he call himself my friend, if he's going to lie to me?? I love him more then I love myself. More then I love life. Is he with her? Is he living with her? Is he too afraid to tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me or loose me?? I just want to know the truth. I keep seeing the signs that there's more, yet other times, he's distant... cold..... I don't get it. MEN!!!!!

I've lost weight. I'll check how much tomorrow. I can feel it. My pants are really loose and I know I've lost weight in my breasts. I can feel that, too. I can usually cup my hand over one and there be a little bit extra... now, one can fit in one hand easily with room to spare. My kidney infection has done it's job. I've lost weight. I just wish I didn't loose it in my chest!!!!! It SUCKS.

I really miss my friend. I haven't seen him for two weeks. I get to see him Friday night and I've got Saturday off, so I might stay for a bit longer and see what happens...If he offers a bed at his house..... the way I'm feeling now, I'd take it. He loves me. I need to be loved. I need to FEEL love. I still love my ex and my friend loves me. No, I don't love my friend, not like that, but at this point in time, I just want to be loved. Sad, but true.

I applied for two jobs last week. One is based where R lives. The other is in the city. The one near R would mean I could see him more, I'd earn great money, but I'd been almost alone. No family, no friend and no ex. If I get the one in town, it's hear my ex, but less money. Screw the money, I can't leave my ex. Not when I still feel that there's a chance.

On a completely different note, it's so amazing how you can be moved by TV. It doesn't matter how many times I watch The West Wing, it still moves me. The music, the words, the imagery, all enough to give me goosebumps..... I just love the show to death.

Hmmmm.... my cat has an eating disorder. She compulsively overeats, sometimes she throws up. Either way, she's on a diet. Only food twice a day and special diet food at that.

Oh well. 'So You Think You Can Dance' is on. I love that show. Dancing is good for weight loss.

Haven't updated in a while.....

So, we went to our movie. It was lovely. He was a gentleman. He wanted to ask me to dinner, but he either got too shy or realises I have food issues and didn't. He still talks and flirts with me. But when I rang him tonight, he was a little distant. He was VERY concerned about my health, though. When I mentioned I'd been sick these past few weeks, he was worried. He kept telling me to take care of myself. When I said i'd try, he said, 'no, you WILL'. But I can't promise anything. I don't know HOW to take care of myself any more, let alone deal with being sick.

I saw R on Wednesday and today. He's had his operation. We talked for a total of 5 1/2 hours, about a WHOLE lot of different things. My weight came up, but I dodged it. Mostly it was about my ex, my job, his job, his operation, the tv, the news, the American elections, everything. Before his wife came back, he said he really needed to spend time with me. Just me, where no one could interrupt and there was no risk of anyone walking in. He told me he wanted to talk to me about our past. See how much I remember. Believe me, I remember EVERYTHING. Every night, every moment, every time at his house, in the hotel, in the car, everything. There will not be a moment that he can remember, that I don't. Believe me, I've gone through them ALL at some point, remembering what might have been.

My ex has been so busy with work that it isn't funny. He didn't get the job and I am more relieved then I could ever express with words. One of the arts organsiations locally are going to try to get funding to hire him and I pray that that happens. It would be perfect for him. He would be happy and so would I.

He's moving back to his grandmothers next week. His whole family will be living under the same roof again. As I've told him, there is always a place here for him. To relax, unwind, talk and watch our DVD's. He seems to be keen on utilized this, so I will hopefully see more of him soon. Our time together lately has been a bit disorganized. A moment here and there, the odd evening. Last night we saw a movie, which was lovely. I miss it. He asked about my going to nutritionist. He's worried about my weight again. I lied and said I was going in a couple of weeks. The truth is, I've abandoned that idea. It wasn't working for me. I just love him too much to disappoint him.

I just wish it would happen. Him and me. I still believe it will.

So, my health hasn't been....... great. My binging and purging and use of laxatives and other bad behavior gave me another UTI, which has developed into a kidney infection. My back is aching and I feel nauseous. I actually had time off work, which is so rare for me. The sad part? All I'm hoping for is that my illness means I'm not eating less so I might loose more weight.

*SIGH*

Well, he FINALLY called!

Took him long enough!! Tomorrow night, we're seeing a movie together. We may have dinner after. I'm going to the pub after that, I assume he'll be there too. I was so happy when he called. I really thought he wasn't going to.

What made it interesting was that my ex was in the car with me. He went all quite after the call. I think he wanted to ask me questions about my relationship with this guy, but he didn't. Whether he thought it wasn't his business or just didn't have the courage to ask, because of course he doesn't love me, I don't know. I know it wasn't because he didn't care, though. He did. I could feel it.

It's really funny, I know His ex wants him back. The last time I mentioned his name, he snapped at me about her. He said something about she got mad and stopped talking to him. Honestly, with out acting like crazy jealous girl, she is so full of her self. She always saw herself as the best thing on two legs. She thought she was so beautiful and funny and wonderful that there's no room for anyone else when she's around. Why he was attracted to her, I'm not sure. He said they had fun together. Fun and intimacy is great, don't get me wrong, but if that's all you have, what happens when the lights aren't out and the laughter stops? If you have nothing in common, no common interests, goals, hopes, dreams, what possible chance have you got for a relationship? Her ego was just too strong for him. She pushed himself so far into him that there was no room left for him or his wants. She kept telling him that she loved him and cared for him, yet she was a bully. It was her way or she sulked and abused him. I know she wants him back, who wouldn't want him? I know she calls him and I know she still texts him. I see him read messages or look at the screen when she calls and I'm around. She's pushing so hard and pushing her apparently wonderful attributes at him and I know he'll push her back so hard that she'll loose him altogether. I just hope it happens soon, so I can try to move on with him. Yes, our intimacy died out, but laughter, common interests and everything else is there. I truly believe intimacy can grow, as can his attraction in me. It just needs time.

In the mean time, I'm going out with my friend. Who knows why, but I love having someone around who loves and adores me. I pray that one day it will be HIM that adores me and I really believe that someday it will, but for now, my friend will do. I care about him and it's fun.

My body is plotting against me.

It just doesn't want to work properly. I have aches and pains in places I didn't think were possible. I get weird chest pains and although I doubt their heart related, I think there's a problem with my breathing.

I'm so tired all the time. I tried sleeping more, I tried sleeping less. Bottom line: I'M TIRED. No amount of sleep rests me.

My stomach is a constant mess of churning, bubbling and groaning. I know it's because I'm purging again. I know it's because the little food I eat is mixed with a combination of laxatives and fiber so it's always moving and mixing. I just hate it. I'm constantly uncomfortable.

In other news, my friend hasn't called AGAIN. After promising he'd call me, he hasn't. On Friday, he apologized and said he would, but he HASN'T. I know he was worried about me. Half way through the night, I got an intense headache that wouldn't go away. I know that the alcohol and little food didn't help, but it was really painful. I apparently went quite and distant, but all I really remember is the pain.

My ex came over twice on the weekend. I didn't think he would, but he did. Saturday was always going to be our day together, but I invited him last night on whim. I didn't think he would, but he did. It was lovely and wonderful. We are spending more and more time together. Now if only he'd miss out on this job and find one closer to home.

He can't leave me again.......

My heart's going to break if he does. He's no longer my lover. He's no longer my partner. I no longer see him every day. Wake up next to him, spend days with him. He can't leave me.
He can't get this job. He can't move thousands of kilometers away. He just can't.

I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. But to pack up and leave for the first job he might get? I can't loose someone else in my life. Not when he's the glue that's been holding me together.

Please don't go, sweetie? I love you, Bubby. Please don't leave me.

Last night.... an amazing night.....

So, my ex and I went to dinner with two friends of ours. They met my ex through theatre, so I met them through my ex. We went to a lovely Italian restaurant. They know the owners, so the food and the service is always wonderful. I was scared about eating in public. I only had once piece of the entree, which I didn't finish and I know everyone noticed, but our friends are too polite to say anything. They'll probably mention my weight and my eating next time we see them. When we hugged and kissed good bye, I felt her arms tighten around my waist.

The night was just so perfect. These three people are people I could tell anything too. We spoke about my feelings after my Dad died, how worried I am about my sister and brother, how I hate my sister in law for what she said to me and how she treats my brother. We spoke about my feelings towards my mother and her..... thing. We spoke about my work. My hopes for my degree. They are always so interested in me, my opinions and everything in my life.

They told me I need to get back into the theatre. This year, I will try. They told me I need to find an intellectually stimulating job. That I have brains and I need to be in a work environment to use them. She actually told me she thought I had the brains to be a vet. No one but my father, and maybe R has said that about my level of intelligence. I was amazed.

They inspire me with everything they do. They are two of the most intelligent, energetic and amazing couples. She has survived bowl cancer and he lives with a tricky form of diabetes. She also has meniere's disease, an increasingly tricky illness that affects balance, movement and so many other things. But they both refuse to let things beat them. She's decided that she wants to be a celebrant. She also wants to think about arranging funerals. She wants to spend time helping people through joy and pain. She would be perfect. If it wasn't for her, her husband and my ex, I wouldn't have gotten through last year or been where I am now. I love these people with all my heart.

Never again.... until next time.....

Well, I overdid the laxatives last night. At about 2am, I woke up in enormous pain. Ok, nothing unusual there. There is usually pain when you take more then the recommended dose. I doubled it, so I expected that. So I stumbled to the bath room and sat down. After a couple of minutes, I started to feel really warm. It's been warm here in Australia and my house is taking it's time to cool down, so I thought, alright, it's still warm. Everything kept pouring out of my body, which I was happy about, but the pain didn't stop, it just became more intense. Then suddenly, my body turned ice cold. I was still sweating like an animal, but the wave of cold hit. Then I felt really nauseous, like I was going to throw up but had nothing inside, and felt light headed, dizzy and shaky. I really thought I was going to pass out on the toilet. I felt soooooo sick and scared and was regretting every laxative I'd taken. I put my head down on my legs and the feeling passed and I became really hot again and my skin went red.

So, I finished (sort of) and stood up and flushed. Then, I got really dizzy again. My head started spinning and I started seeing light dots and flashes in my eyes. I couldn't really see where I was going, so I felt my way back to bed and lay down. I think I really did pass out then.

I woke up a couple of times later, with pain and churning and my stomach felt like It was ripping apart, but that was more like what I usually feel after laxatives.

I think I'm completely empty now. I love feeling completely empty. My weight is down, and I'm satisfied there is nothing left in my stomach, intestines or anywhere in my body.

I'm a little dizzy and shaky, but hey, that's normal for me.

I told myself while sitting on the toilet that I'd throw my laxatives out this morning. I'd never take them again. That was it. Restrict, fast, exercise, whatever, no more laxatives. But it's morning now, I feel happy and empty and last night didn't seem so bad.

So, I might leave them alone for a little while, but will i never use them again? Never.

Okay, you say you're going to ask me, NOW ASK ME!!!!!

So I went to the pub last night. And my friend was there. Joking around with me, giving me that 'look', giving me all the signs that he still likes me. Then he tells me we need to see a movie. 'I Am Legend', with Will Smith. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to see it, and last night he says we should see it together. I told him it sounded good and that it was up to him to organize a time. He kept saying he will, but he didn't. ASK ME FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!! I won't say no! I want to see it. I want to see you outside that pub. If I'm going to explore our relationship, I need to do it with the two of us together and not in the pub! He's told me he'll call me. Like he hasn't said that before!!! He wanted me to stay last night, but I couldn't. I was tired and I needed to sleep in my own bed. I needed to sleep as long as my body wanted me too and as he has his daughters this weekend, I would have had to get up early. So it was better that I left. He looked disappointed, but I couldn't help it. Now if he would just CALL me and ASK ME OUT!!!!!

My ex was over today. He looked tired and sad, but he still made time for me. I appreciate what he gives me so much. I know its time together and having fun together that will bring us together again, so I love that it's HIM that initiates the time together.

I am worried, though. My laxatives disappeared. I really needed them last night. I stuck to my plain, but my alcohloic drinks are mixed with milk, so I wanted the extra calories out. But I couldn't find my laxatives. They were gone. I know I had half a pack, but they disappeared. I know he hates me having them. I know he's worried about me and I know he wouldn't talk to me directly. He wants me to come to him and ask him why he took them, just so he could ask me why I had them. So I've said nothing. I went out today to buy more. I really need them. I have an amazing dinner tomorrow night, with my ex and our two best friends and I need to NOT look like the bloated whale I do now. I've taking 8. Twice the recommended dose, but not enough, I hope, to have me running to the bathroom over dinner. I need to have it all out in the morning, so I can spend lunch and dinner with my ex and our friends.

My house is a MESS! Stuff and clutter everywhere. I'm going to spend tonight cleaning it, so I can spend tomorrow and Monday doing nothing. The only thing I want left to do is my floors. A quick vacume and mop before my inspection tomorrow.

I'm hoping to burn some extra calories tonight cleaning up. I stopped eating at 3pm and with my laxatives, I hope to be empty by the morning.

My weight isn't budging. Still fat.

First post of 2008

Well, the year started out a night mare.

I found out that I failed my marketing course. Without it, I could fail my degree. After all the hard work and my ex helping me with the course, I fucking failed. However, my course coordinator has told me if I finish the work (done now) I might be able to pass.

My work continues to suck big time. My boss keeps pushing me about things I've done wrong, but does she ever admit that half the time SHE has no idea?!! Of course not. I'm wrong, she's right. In her mind, any way. But I'm being transfered next week. New store. Probably means no more weekends off, but hell, it's got to be better then the bull shit I'm dealing with now.

My 'friend' continues to baffle me. He seems interested, then he's with another woman. He phones me, but seems distant when I phone him. I've decided to let it run it's course, but if I keep getting mixed signals, I'll just leave the whole thing alone. Last Friday I had an amazing night with the 'old gang'. We were all there. We talked and caught up till 2.30am. R is going into hospital on the 4th, so he was telling me how bored he's going to be. He wants me to visit him while he's there and he wants to 'talk'. He's been mentioning that he really wants us to be alone and talk about the past and goodness only knows what else. He says I'll be surprised at what he remembers.... yes, we were 'together' for four years and if he honestly thinks that I've forgotten one single moment, one single time, one single night on the floor, in his bed, on the desk, in the cool room, on the bar...... I remember it all. He was my first. Yes, there was, and still is a 19 year age difference, but that doesn't stop how I felt then..... I still feel it now.

The memories came flooding back last Friday. With the old gang there... and R didn't leave my side. There were so many people who wanted to talk to him, catch up with him. He hadn't seen most of them for almost 5 years. He's seen me twice in the last month, yet I was the one he wanted to sit next too, talk to, tease, laugh with... it just brought all the old feelings back. He's married now, he has a gorgeous son.... but it doesn't stop how I feel. And he was the one who made the choice to sit next to me.

And then there was HIM. My friend. Sitting on the other side of the room. Looking at me. Smiling at me. But then , his.... I don't know what... came in, put her arm around him, grabbed him, and he let her. He didn't seem to mind. Yes, he looked a little annoyed sometimes, but he didn't try to stop it. And R teased me. Told me he thought I was jealous... but maybe I was... He's given me every impression that he wants to be with me and just when I start to think that maybe.. he's with someone else! And R thinks that age shouldn't be a problem, but then how old is he again...

But then they left. Him and his... I don't know what. But then, HE came back on his own. Said he'd dropped her off at her home. So I don't know. I'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess. I'm going up there like I usually do, so who knows.

My ex is being totally supportive. More so then usual. He keeps reminding me to eat, but he doesn't push. He asks me about going back to the nutritionist, but he doesn't nag. He looked worried and sad when he heard I still purge, but he wasn't cruel. He didn't tell me off, he was just concerned. He was worried. He cares about me and he's worried I'm doing permenant damage to myself.

He keeps coming over. More often then he used too. Twice last weekend. Twice this weekend. Sunday night we're going to dinner with some mutual friends. I love him so much. I know I need to let it happen, if it's going to happen. I need to get myself together. Prove my independence and not push it. I know we were meant to be together, but he needs to see that before It will work. I just need him to remember why he fell in love with me.

My weight is up and down like a friggen yo yo. It's down, it's up. Today it's up, so I've restricted. I've got my period, 8 fucking days early, so who knows.

I.NEED.TO.STOP.EATING.LIKE.A.FUCKING.PIG

NO MORE JUNK.

PERSONAL CHALLENGE TO MYSELF

One day without crap.

Meal plan for tomorrow:

chocolate milk for breakfast (no fat, low sugar - hopefully kill the cravings)

pineapple and fruit for lunch

If not out for dinner, piece of home made pie.

I know its more calories then I'd like, but I've been eating not a lot lately. What I have been eating is pure crap, so I figure If I stick to healthy, then gradually reduce, I won't further kill my already stuffed up metabolism.

Thank the Lord for my weekend off.