Wow.... It's been a month....

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted last. This last month has flown by, sadly...

Only 9 days left of my holidays. I'm so disappointed with myself, I haven't gotten half of what I wanted to get done done. My house is still a mess, my photos are still unsorted, theatre stuff still in a pile and my tax stuff..... I'm going to get as much done as I can in the next few days. Maybe it won't be so bad.

I'm moving again at work. New store. I wish I could say new beginning, but the store isn't going to be great. More till work, less managment, exactly what I hate. No job opportunities out there, I'm not qualified and not experience. My ex keeps saying something will come up. Maybe, maybe not.

My ex has convinced me to put together a managment proposal for my old pub. I've been complaining about the staff running it, and he says that if I could do it better, I should put it in writing and try. Tell them what I think is going wrong, what I can bring to it and how much money they'll save by hiring me. It will also get me out of the current job that I hate so much. All I can do is try. As he said, the worst they can say is no.

As for my ex, he's still with her. He's seen me a lot during my holidays, which has been lovely. He says that when I go back to work, he'll still make time for me. It won't be the same amount as the last three weeks, but I'm happy he's still willing to see me. I know that in the past I've been demanding and made him feel bad for not spending more time with me. I'm beginning to realize that all that does is make him upset with me and reluctant to see me because I made him feel bad. How stupid could I be? By making him feel bad and pushing him away, all was doing was making him not want to see me. I'm trying to make him see what he used to see in me, so that he might fall in love with me again. That was never going to happen if he resented spending time with me because I made him feel guilty. I'm going to take the time he gives me and cherish it. Have fun with him. See where it might take us. The last few weeks have been wonderful and I've seen some of the old signs. The looks, the occasionally flirtatious comments. The other day, we were watching Sex and the City together and Big told Carrie that she wasn't worthless. She was worth a million. My ex told me that went double for me. That same day, he told me I had to go for an audition because I would be great. He gave me that same smile I remember so well.

I've already been out with him and his partner. It seemed important to him, so I went. When I asked why he wanted me to, he said that I was an important part of his life, and that he wanted me to be a part of his life outside my house. It didn't go so well, but I'm going to try again next month.

R came to see me last week. We slept together, on my bed, with his son in the next room. I had and still have mixed feelings. He's married. He has a child. We had a connection once, but I think that he now feels it more then me. It was just sex. I was nervous, but only because I hadn't done it in..... a long time. There was no excitement for me. Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex.

As for my friend, things have been fun. Sometimes I really think it would work between us. We have an amazing connection. I stayed at his place a few weeks ago and it was lovely. I'm seeing him this weekend, I hope. Outside the pub. It will be interesting! On a slightly sour note, he's noticed I've gained weight. Him and S were talking about how much healthier I looked outside of work. They said I'd even gained weight and looked healthy. When my friend joked that I'd be back to the way I was in two weeks, S said I'd better not be. I'm not sure what that meant. I know he has strong feelings for me now, but I'm not sure exactly what he'd do if my health went backwards again! Anyway, a little later on, my friend made a joke about me being fat now. I know he meant it as a joke. Earlier on, when he said I looked healthy and he said I'd put on weight, he emphasized that he thought I still looked good. None the less, the joke hurt. Every night since then, I've been on my tread mill.

The sad thing is, is that I don't want to be healthy. I don't want to look good. Healthy and good means fat. I can't be fat. I told my ex that I'd put on a kilogram and he was so proud of me. I hate that I want to work against him, but I hate that I've put on weight. I can't stand it. It has to go. I'm not weighing myself till Friday, the day I'm seeing my friend next. I hope I'll be less healthy by then.

If I'm healthy, no one will like me anymore. No one will love me.