2008,,,,,,,, I really hope it's better......

2007. The year my Dad died. The year my ex started seeing someone else. The year I realized that one of my best friends loves me, but we could never work because he's 50 years old and has two teenage children. The year I took a job that I thought would be so much better, but turns out I can't stand. The year I moved into a unit by-myself. The year my family started to tear apart.

2008 has to be better. It has to. If I'm still at this point at this time this year, I don't know what I'll do.

My New Years Resolutions:

1st list - The one's I'll tell my friends and family

1) Find a job I like

2) Organize myself better.

3) Concentrate more on my studies and do well.

4) Decide what I want to do with my education degree


2nd list - My real one's

1) Find a job I love, not just like

2) Loose another 15 - 20lb. Lost the same amount last year. I can do it again.

3) Organize myself better.

4) Ace my studies. I don't care what it takes.

5) Decide on my education degree

6) Get my ex back to me. I love him.

Christmas Day, 2007

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

I love you. I miss you.

All I want for Christmas is you.....

I see you look at me. Last night, I saw that smile. That familiar smile. That smile you reserve.... We were talking to a group of people, our eyes met and that smile.... you made my heart melt...

Please, just remember? I'm not asking for a miraculous thing, I'm not asking for the impossible.. I just want you to remember why we fell in love. Remember why you loved me. I'll do the rest. I'll fix what was wrong. The way I was too needy. The way I was too possessive. I'm going to get my depression under control next year, with medication, I just ask that you look. Look deep into your heart. Look deep into my eyes. It's still there, somewhere. You just need to find it. Need to remember. Need to look for what you saw 5 1/2 years ago. It's still there. I know it is. I saw it last night.

For you, and only you.....

I ate. Just for you. No-one else. You said I should. You wanted me to. I did it. One small meal.
I won't tell you about the laxatives that follow. I won't tell you I missed my last treatment session because it got to hard. I'll just tell you I ate and watch you smile.

It's Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday. I will finish my Christmas shopping . I'll try to relax. Then, I will go up there and see..... the older man. My.... friend??? I still don't know what to call him. Every week is different. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I FINALLY FUCKING DID IT. The bloody marketing assignment is finished. My last assignment for the year. After I lost half the fucking thing because of a computer glitch, I re-did it and it's done. 22 pages. Was it any good? Who knows. I never do. I wanted to maintain my credit average, but I doubt I did. This course just got too hard. The work itself is fine, but between my work, my attempted treatment and my disorder, it just got too hard.

Next year will be worse. Next year scares me beyond belief.

He gave me the contacts, he organized the meetings. Now, I have two places to do work experience, something vital to me if I want to get anywhere. I'll need it to get a job.

But I also work full time. More then full time, really. I also study full time. I struggle to get through the days NOW. Next year, I'm going to be that busy..... But I have to do it. For HIM. So I can get the job I want. So I can have something to do that I actually ENJOY! I want to enjoy my job. I want a job I love. It is the only way. I will let him guide me. Help me. Keep me sane. He better.

I still don't know what's wrong with me. As I type, my hands ache. They tingle. They feel so weird. I don't know how to explain it. It really hurts. The veins are bulging out. I haven't been back to the doctor. I was supposed to. I also wanted to get a second opinion. Funny how life gets in the way. No time to worry about my health. Christmas is almost here and I work at a petrol station full of idiots.

4 days to go.....

My first sick day ever. Yikes!

I woke up at 6.30am feeling like death on legs. I'd already thrown up at 2am, 4.20am and 5am, so by 6.30am, I was..... well, without swearing... rooted. So, I rang up work. I called in sick. A good thing, really, as the next time I woke up it was 10am. If I'd called in then, I would have been well and truly stuffed. It wouldn't have gone down well.

By 10am I felt a little better, but then I tried to eat a piece of toast and all hell broke loose inside my stomach...

So, I stuck to mostly liquids all day. I had some fruit tonight, so far it's sitting alright....

But I still can't help but feel guilty...

Like I shouldn't have done it. I'm taking a half day on Saturday, now this?????

I know it's not like I planned it, but.. oh well.

I've just been so tired lately. I've got this assignment to finish, questions to answer and Christmas getting SOOOOO close. One week tomorrow, for goodness sake!! I'm just so overwhelmed. I thought my upset stomach was from a piece of cake that may or may not have had orange juice in it. I'm allergic to orange juice, so I thought that it was in it and made me sick. But maybe it's just stress. It's happened before, I get so worked up over things and it just makes my stomach churn and hurt, maybe the holidays as well as my uni work and other work means that it's just sent my stomach over the edge.

I don't know. It could also be psychological. I hate my work so much that it's affecting my body. I don't know. I'm just so tired and hating my work so much.

If I thought for one minute I could live on unemployment, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't.

Oh well. Back to work.

48 hours, then it will be done....

My two days of working hell will be finished. My two days on the register. My two days working 12pm till 8pm. I hate it. I didn't take this job to be a glorified console operator for fuck sake. Can't they see that it's making people leave?? Managers are quiting left right and center. We don't want to do it. It's not why we took these jobs.

If I can just get till 8pm Tuesday night, the week will pretty much be over for me. Wednesday is my normal work day, Wednesday night HE is coming over for our weekday catch up. Thursday and Friday I'm OFF, thank the Lord. Saturday, I'm only working a few hours and Sunday will be easier, as HE is coming over that night. Then, the next week is Christmas week....

I don't want it to come, yet I just want it over. The first Christmas without my Dad. My first Christmas waking up in a house alone. Thankfully, I'm working from 5am till 10am, so I'll only be awake for a few minutes before I have to go to work.

He was here again today. We talked, we watched things. He gave me tissues when I cried. I just wish he'd put his arms around me.... But he doesn't. I think it's because he doesn't want to give mixed signals, or maybe he just doesn't know if he should..... I don't know..... I just wish he'd take me in his arms and hold me tight. Sometimes I see that familiar smile... that twinkle.... I don't know. I still hope. I live for that hope.

I purged again today. I knew I would. A take away breakfast and a take away lunch was always going to do it. I just couldn't keep it down. I tried so hard, but he left soon after lunch and...

It's 10pm and I'm starving. It's a great feeling. I feel empty and happy because of it. Tomorrow, the scales will tell me what today will cost me.

Oh dear......

BDF is looking a bit........ Well.... Tense.......

Oh well. I can't get on there at the same time that most of the girls that I usually talk to anyway....

I am so tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired, my heart is tired..... I want to sleep forever and ever... this isn't a suicide thing, it's just that my body feels so exhausted. If I could just sleep for a week, non stop, I might be able to do everything that everyone wants me too.

I see HIM tomorrow. A day together. I want it to be fun, relaxing and... I want to say romantic... but he's not my partner anymore, I keep forgetting.

I saw the OTHER HIM last night. He asked why I had to leave early, I said it was because I had to drive home. The usual response 'don't go home'. He wants me to stay with him again....

I have my period. 5 days early. What the hell is going on with my body??? That NEVER happens. Although, if I want to look at the positive, my body has done it's monthly 'I hate you and am going to make your life miserable' thing 5 days early, means it will be well and truly done by next weekend and Christmas.

HO HO HO

12 days till Christmas.... are we there yet???

I'm just so over it. I wish it wasn't like this, but it is. I don't want Christmas without my Dad. It was his favourite time of the year and he isn't here. It's just not fair. Our family Christmas show, the Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas day at my Nanna's. How am I supposed to do it all without him??? HOW????

I just wish I could find a psychologists before Christmas.

At least I might see my ex on Christmas day. He might see me in the evening. And after the family show, we're going to a Christmas party together. I just wish that it was this time next week. Then, a lot of crappy days at work would be finished. A lot of shitty 12 till 8pm shifts over.

When they ask me why I'm leaving the job, I'm telling them: The hours are pathetic. The being on call 24 hours is unfair. All the managers are just in it for themselves and the pay rates are really poor. Hopefully I can finish my degree next year and get a job. I hate my job and it's making me hate my life even more then I usually do.

My weight isn't budging much. I'm attempting to regulate my eating, just so my metabolism actually starts working again. It hasn't yet.

I'm upping my exercisers, just to see if it works.

I need to loose more weight. It's just not good enough.

Wow. I can't believe how well it went

My ex and my 'not really ex, but sort of' as well as his son, in my lounge room. All of us. It was so.... not weird. We all have fun. We talked, we laughed, we caught up. They both had something in common. Me. They teased me and made fun of me, and it was so...... lovely. And watching my ex with my 'friends' son.... My god. He had such a look in his eye.. such a smile on his face... If what I dream of, what I hope, what in my heart I know doesn't happen, for whatever reason, I hope he has a son one day, with or without me. He thinks he won't. He thinks he can't. He doesn't think he's father material. But watching him... he'll make a great Dad. I just hope I get to be the child's mother.

After they left, it was just me and my ex. We had a perfect afternoon/evening, just like we always do. Talking, laughing, eating. He's the only one i'll eat in front of. The only one I want to eat in front of. He's the only one who makes me want to get well.

So, I made a huge decision. After being dead against it. After arguing with myself and my ex and my first psychologist over my need for it, I've decided that in 2008 I will seek medication for my depression. It's just too much for me now. The highs are great. They are yesterday. They are finishing work for the day or finding out that I can actually have the time off for my family show. But when something, anything, everything happens... the depression spike is just... unimaginable. It doesn't have to be much. Going to work. The weather. PMS. It just triggers it and I cry like my father died all over again. I shake. I don't want to live, I really don't and I'm terrified that one day I'll just decide that that's it. I won't live. Sitting here, not deliriously happy, but content, I know I want to live. I want to see myself get 'well'. Manage my eating disorder. Eat with people. Marry (hopefully my ex!) maybe even have children. I want to be happy in my job. Graduate from my current degree and finish the degree my father wanted me to. I'm not ready to face my Dad in Heaven and I think that if I did now, my father would be so sad. He wants me to live, I know he does. But If I don't get this medication.....

So, I will. I will find a psychologist who can help find the chemical balance I need.

I ate well today. Sure, I'm about to go on the treadmill for a while and do at least 200 sit ups, but hey, I ate. I ate almost three meals today...

I even found the inspiration start my major assignment for the my final subject of the year. A huge step.

Today was a good day.

Oh dear lord. What the hell have I done??????

Why? How? Could I have been any more stupid??? My ex planned a nice evening for me tomorrow night. He's coming over after work. We're having a mexican box for dinner. Burritos or something like that. We're watching DVD's, a really nice night after a crappy day.

So, what happens, my OTHER ..... ex??? Is that what you'd call him?? We never really dated, but he was my 'first'. We slept together for a long time. More then three years. He was married when it started, he divorced, he's married again now. He has a son. But something is still... there. I don't know what it is. The way we talk, keep in touch, the way he said last time that there were things he'd told me that he's told no one else. The way that he's not even told his WIFE what we did together. The way that he said if we had half an hour together, he'd tell me... what exactly???

So, any way, now it looks like HE'S coming over too!!! At the same FUCKING TIME. Both of them. In my house. I'm not game to ring Glen and tell him, I'm scared he may decide not to come over. I really don't want that to happen. I love him. I really want to see him. I can't loose time with him.

But will it be awkward?? ARGHHHHHHHH

I just ran 2 km. Stress relief, me thinks.

I'm eating okay. It's a start.

I'm trying sooooooooo hard........

I really am. I know I need to do better. I need to stop purging. It's hurting me. I'm not loosing weight. I'm maintaining, which my friends seem happy about, but I'm not. I can't. I need to loose more. Just a little bit. Just a lot. I don't know. I just need to loose more.

Restricting is fine, if I don't binge, but It also slows my metabolism WAYYYYYY down, because of my thyroid. Stupid fucking body fighting against me. I was loosing when I was on a two meal a day thing. Breakfast, no lunch, dinner. I need to fight it. I don't need the food, I need the thin.

My work is still shithouse. Yesterday stank. I got into management so I could stop the crazy hours, now I'm working till 8pm two nights a week. If 2008 doesn't bring me a better job, I won't make it to 2009, I know it.

I'm trying to get my uni work done, but my lecturer won't email back with the green light for my major project. It's due in 14 days, for godsake!!!

I'm trying to make plans for Christmas. I'm trying to spend as little time alone as possible. I think if I'm alone to much, the whole day is going to be a depressing spiral of missing my Dad, my ex and everything else that I used to love about the day.

I'm talking to HIM as I write. MSN. A fabulous thing.

God, my life is so complicated.....

You'd think that it would be easy. I have a job that pays okay. I live by myself. I have two great cats and while my family ignore me most of the time, I get to see them every now and then and we have fun.

I have an ex that still cares about me. Not the way I wish he did, but hey, you never know what might happen. He still asks to see me. He wants to spend time with me and he specifically asks when I'm free, so we can spend evenings together. He's even helping me find work and helping me with my study.

And yet, the complications just keep piling up.

I'm not happy in my job. I need a challenge. I need to want to go to work. More importantly, when I'm there, I need to feel like I'm actually working. I want a job that's not the same thing day in and day out. I want to make a difference. I want to challenge myself.

I actually thought this job would work for a while. I didn't have huge expectations, but it only lasted 3 months. I'm bored now. I've been a manager, as apposed to an Assistant Manager, for a week. I believe I could do the job. I think it might challenge me for a further 6 months, if I got to run my own store my way. But I doubt it will happen. To many others wanting the same thing. I do a good job. A great job, even. I could do it. But because I want it, I know it won't happen.

But I can't afford to quit my job. I can't get a lesser paying job, so I need to wait till I've finished my degree. 7 months. How the hell can I last???!!! If I can find another job, same or better pay, fuck them. I'm gone.

Then, there's my 'man friend'. I'm so confused about how I feel. I think I've got it sorted, then I start thinking about him and I JUST DON'T KNOW. I need to wait till Friday. My usual trip up to see him. I need to see how he reacts to me. See his reactions to me. See how I feel. Will I miss him? Will I feel differently, after the sweet and gentle way he treated me???

The thing is, is that there's a group of people going away to Bail next year. I've known them all for ages. They're all my friends. They've invited me and I've said that I'll go. But he's supposed to be going as well. If we're together, how will it make everyone else feel? We're both everyone's friend. But with our age differences, as well as everything else, will it make it awkward?? But if we're not together, will it make things harder? Together for 1 week. Will he make things uncomfortable?

I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!

Then, of course, there's my health. My disorder is making me feel guilty about every bite that enters my mouth. I'm trying to get better. Not purge every bite. My metabolism has stalled to the point that my weight WON'T BUDGE. Purging is obviously not working (Dah). I need to restrict. I need to actually eat and keep it down so my body doesn't go in to panic mode. I'm trying to eat a sort of decent breakfast. Lunch I'm working on. Dinner.... well, I'm trying bits and pieces. I need to exercise if I'm to loose weight. I know this. But I'm so fucking tired at the end of the day, that it just isn't working. It sucks.

My circulation isn't working still. The blood tests, apart from showing low potassium, electrolytes, iron, etc... They didn't tell me why my hands hurt, tingle and feel heavy, with the veins throbbing and bulging at least 5 times a day. My feet do similar things. NO ONE WILL TELL ME WHY. One week and I have to go back for more tests, but the doctors don't know what!!!

ARGFGGG.

Oh well, cross word puzzles and bed. Bed with my vibrator. I'm addicted to a toy that can do what no man has ever done. Don't get me wrong, a vibrator won't hug me, kiss me and tell my I'm beautiful, but until I find a man who can love me and that I can love back, I guess there's nothing wrong with releasing my sexual tension. However I can!

The weekends are oh so quick...

How is it Sunday already??? How did I miss the weekend??? Oh, that's right. I slept through most of it....

I did it. I spent the night with 'him'. He's been asking me for so long to stay over, and I did. I didn't sleep with him, though. I thought about it. Part of me wanted it, but not because I wanted to make love to a person I cared for, but because I miss sex. So I didn't. I couldn't use him like that. I care for him deeply and couldn't do that.

I slept on his couch. We stayed up till 3am talking, then I went to sleep. At 7.45pm, he walked over to me, gently pushed a piece of hair from my face, touched my shoulder and whispered in my ear that it was time to wake up. He made me tea and we talked for another hour till it was time for him to pick up his kids.

Oh. That's right. His children.

He has two kids. He's 49, turning 50 in January. He's almost 23 years older then me. How can this work again????? I might want kids. I'd literally have to have them with him NOW, if they were going to be able to grow up with their father seeing their 21st, seeing grandchildren etc....

He cares about me. He loves me. I've known this since I was 20 years old. He'd treat me like an angel. He's sweet, loving and he loves me. No-one's loved me for how long???

BUT

I like him, I don't love him. I want companionship, yes. But I'd be using him. We have nothing in common.... Other then his age, his children, his ex wife..... I'm a manager of a service station. He's a meat works contractor. I'm on my third uni degree, he never finished high school. I love the theatre, books, acting, singing, movies and the internet. He...... well, he likes going to the pub, he hates the driving to Adelaide, which is where I live, i'm not really sure if has hobbies or interests, or what they even are...

But he loves me. He hangs on my ever word. We can have great conversations about everything and anything and I can open up to him about my eating disorder and he doesn't judge, he just worries about me.

I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't think it can work, but I don't want to hurt him, so I'll see what happens. I'll see where it goes. If it gets uncomfortable, or anything else... I'll end it. I'll end it and I hope that he'll still be my friend.

I hate my body. I'm loosing weight and it still isn't enough. It needs to be more. No more bad foods. Start the treadmill again.

To all the girls on BDF, I love you all. EACH AND EVERYONE. I don't like to take sides and I don't often do, except when there are trolls or someone so obviously there to stir up drama and attention seeking conflict that I feel I have to comment.

I don't know who Meghan is or was, but i'm hoping she's gone now.

I love all my girls. I just wish we were all there as a social group, not there to vent about our life threating illnesses.