God, my life is so complicated.....

You'd think that it would be easy. I have a job that pays okay. I live by myself. I have two great cats and while my family ignore me most of the time, I get to see them every now and then and we have fun.

I have an ex that still cares about me. Not the way I wish he did, but hey, you never know what might happen. He still asks to see me. He wants to spend time with me and he specifically asks when I'm free, so we can spend evenings together. He's even helping me find work and helping me with my study.

And yet, the complications just keep piling up.

I'm not happy in my job. I need a challenge. I need to want to go to work. More importantly, when I'm there, I need to feel like I'm actually working. I want a job that's not the same thing day in and day out. I want to make a difference. I want to challenge myself.

I actually thought this job would work for a while. I didn't have huge expectations, but it only lasted 3 months. I'm bored now. I've been a manager, as apposed to an Assistant Manager, for a week. I believe I could do the job. I think it might challenge me for a further 6 months, if I got to run my own store my way. But I doubt it will happen. To many others wanting the same thing. I do a good job. A great job, even. I could do it. But because I want it, I know it won't happen.

But I can't afford to quit my job. I can't get a lesser paying job, so I need to wait till I've finished my degree. 7 months. How the hell can I last???!!! If I can find another job, same or better pay, fuck them. I'm gone.

Then, there's my 'man friend'. I'm so confused about how I feel. I think I've got it sorted, then I start thinking about him and I JUST DON'T KNOW. I need to wait till Friday. My usual trip up to see him. I need to see how he reacts to me. See his reactions to me. See how I feel. Will I miss him? Will I feel differently, after the sweet and gentle way he treated me???

The thing is, is that there's a group of people going away to Bail next year. I've known them all for ages. They're all my friends. They've invited me and I've said that I'll go. But he's supposed to be going as well. If we're together, how will it make everyone else feel? We're both everyone's friend. But with our age differences, as well as everything else, will it make it awkward?? But if we're not together, will it make things harder? Together for 1 week. Will he make things uncomfortable?

I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!!

Then, of course, there's my health. My disorder is making me feel guilty about every bite that enters my mouth. I'm trying to get better. Not purge every bite. My metabolism has stalled to the point that my weight WON'T BUDGE. Purging is obviously not working (Dah). I need to restrict. I need to actually eat and keep it down so my body doesn't go in to panic mode. I'm trying to eat a sort of decent breakfast. Lunch I'm working on. Dinner.... well, I'm trying bits and pieces. I need to exercise if I'm to loose weight. I know this. But I'm so fucking tired at the end of the day, that it just isn't working. It sucks.

My circulation isn't working still. The blood tests, apart from showing low potassium, electrolytes, iron, etc... They didn't tell me why my hands hurt, tingle and feel heavy, with the veins throbbing and bulging at least 5 times a day. My feet do similar things. NO ONE WILL TELL ME WHY. One week and I have to go back for more tests, but the doctors don't know what!!!

ARGFGGG.

Oh well, cross word puzzles and bed. Bed with my vibrator. I'm addicted to a toy that can do what no man has ever done. Don't get me wrong, a vibrator won't hug me, kiss me and tell my I'm beautiful, but until I find a man who can love me and that I can love back, I guess there's nothing wrong with releasing my sexual tension. However I can!