I don’t understand......

I don’t understand what makes me unlovable, I don’t understand why I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t understand what I did wrong.

I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.

You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?

I don’t understand what went wrong.

Did it all mean nothing?

One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?

How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?

I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.

I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.

I just don’t understand what I did wrong.

It was bound to catch up with me, he says.......

I had more blood tests a little while ago. They're STILL trying to find out what's causing the tingling, swollen veins and weird feelings in my hands. I also had the nerve endings tested in my hands and feet. The nerve tests came out fine. My blood tests, not so much.

They showed low B12 levels. B12 is what helps run the central nervous system, brain function and energy levels. They also showed a low white cell count, which could mean my body is struggling to fight something more sinister and finally a high immune count, which could mean my body starts to fight healthy tissue and cells.

I've been given a prescription for B12 injections, once a month for three months. I also have a prescription for tablets to take between the injections. In three months time, I need to go back, have more blood tests and see my specialist again to see what's happening. If anythings improved, great, if not, more tests as something else could be going on.

I told my ex what happened at the doctors. His response? "it was bound to catch up with me". He told me that after 10 years of abusing my body, it was was bound to fuck up eventually. He's right. I know he's right. I just hate hearing it out loud.

Slowly, my body is reacting to years of bad nutrition, purging and exercising. I'm not giving my body what it needs to function. I pray to God that the artificial B12 I take helps. If not, apparently I need to take a serious look at my eating habits, apparently. The doctor knows I'm bulimic. He knows I've struggled with eating disorders for 10 years. I'm petrified that he means the next step is something more drastic.

I'm scared.

I didn't get it.

Not even an interview for the second job. And it looks like I'm being ignored by my own work. Not a word about the fact that I put my name forth for a managment role.

I really give up. I try so hard and get shot down every time. Next time I apply for a job, I'm docking my resume down to the bare minimum. No more info then necessary. I'm going to decided what I'm qualified. NOT BUREAUCRATIC IDIOTS.

On a different note, I was at the pub last night, and my friend invited me to go on a holiday with him! I'm betting that he was so pissed that he'll forget. I'm betting he doesn't remember the questions he asked me, either.

Why don't I have a boyfriend???

Because the first man I ever loved was happy to have sex with me for more then two years, but never wanted to have a relationship with me. He told me I was too young, then he marries someone only 3 years older then me.

The second guy I love promised me the world. We would marry, have kids and grow old together. 4 1/2 years later, he woke up one morning and told me it was over. He didn't love me and hadn't loved me for some time. He'd lied to me for goodness only knows how long. He broke my heart. I still love him. I still believe he's my sole mate. But he says he doesn't love me and is with someone else.

Gee. Two people I've loved who didn't love me back. I wonder why I've given up on the idea of finding someone else to love, who actually loves me back.

What the FUCK am I doing wrong????

Get experience, they say.

So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.

I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.

So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???

If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???

Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.

I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.

Eating disorder #1 - Me - #0

Well, the eating disorder won this week.

On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.

Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.

Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.

Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.

The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.

Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.

Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.

I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.

I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.

Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.

Bloody hell.... I can't control myself, can I?????

Yesterday, after a binge/purge session, I decided that a dinner of spinach and fruit, followed by laxatives was in order. Flush my system out so I could start again. Well, the laxatives took affect, after a night of cramping and dehydration, and I thought I'd be ok.

Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.

So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.

On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.

So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.

So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!

How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.