I don’t understand what makes me unlovable, I don’t understand why I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t understand what I did wrong.
I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.
You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?
I don’t understand what went wrong.
Did it all mean nothing?
One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?
How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?
I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.
I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.
I just don’t understand what I did wrong.
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2 comments:
(((((hugs)))))
damn i can really feel your pain. i just wish i could take it on myself so you wouldn't have to suffer any longer.
I read your blog the first to the last word. I guess that I can feel some of your pain. Some because we won't ever feel the same as anyone else. Anyway. Loved your blog. I used to be on BDF there are about 5 years with angelrose and everybody else. I don't remember you... just that i've seen you there, some months ago. Anyway.... Nice to meet you.
LiTtLe_KaTh
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