Another day.. another night, .....another circle

Round and round it goes. When does it stop??? Does it ever???

My stomach is gurgling and churning. It aches and it hurts and every now and then I have bad reflux. Every time the reflux happens, my stomach lurches and sloshes around and my throat is sore from the acid.

It was empty. Then it was so full and distended that I could breath. Then it was almost empty (why can't everything come up? WHY???), then I had to fill it again. Not a lot, but enough to make me feel sick. Maybe the combination of food is making it worse. An ice cream, yogurt, cheese, coke zero and lime water. It's probably curdling in there. It's trying to digest, but I think my body is so fucked up now that it has a really hard time digesting anything. It has to push it around and spin it around in my stomach and produce painful acid to break it down to a form that can be pushed through my fucked up system.

I feel sick.

I hate work. The weekend is over. I have to work five more days till I get another day off. When I do, I'm going to be so exhausted that i'll sleep for the weekend.

I have blood tests tomorrow. Fantastic. What will they come up with now? Low electrolytes, low potassium, low everything. Great.

My back hurts. My body hurts. 27 and I feel 100.

This is the body of someone with an eating disorder.

A day away from the chaos and yet.......

I have a day off from work. It is 10am and I'm still in my pajamas. It feels good. Yet I have to go back tomorrow, so I feel like shit again.

I haven't eaten today. Maybe I wont? After my episode last night, it might be best.

Yet I have no choice. HE'S coming over tonight. He wants me to cook. He misses my cooking. Could that lead to missing me too???? I wish. I hope. I miss him so much that I ache. I reach out for him at night, after a nightmare wakes me. He hasn't been next to me in bed for over a year, but I still reach for him. The same way I go and send a text message to my Dad, even though he died.

I have to go shopping today. I will make a list. I will stick to the list, damn it. I will NOT come back with more food. I will not EAT a weeks worth of food in a day, just so I can purge it. I CAN'T AFFORD SHIT LIKE THIS.

My application is in. If I even get an interview, I will fall off my chair. Positive out look!

Just been back on BDF. My god, I hate being on the otherside of the world. Then I could weigh in on some of the shit that goes on, while it actually happens.

She's been back. 'I don't like the attention' She says. Okay, two days ago, Emergency, like yah???? Because THAT's not attention seeking. 'I don't complain about people ignoring me'.. A week ago, 'No one answers my posts!!'... 'I'm NOT a drama queen! I don't post about killing myself!!!' STOP LYING!!!!!!

Stop it! Stop insulting those who have a serious illness!! Stop insulting those who have tried to take their own lives. Stop insulting those poor soles who've succeeded. My second cousin didn't tell anyone. She didn't pretend. She didn't lie. She just did it. Took the gun and fired. Brooke didn't tell anyone. No one even knew he had depression. The phone call came. Brooke committed suicide.

Why would anyone joke about this? Why would anyone pretend? I tried to drive my car into a tree, with my partner by my side. He jumped out of the car, he was so scared. Threw himself out of a moving vehicle. The shock of what he did brought me back from my haze. I could have killed him. Fuck killing myself, I could have killed the man I love. This is something to say just for the HELL of it??? Fuck no. You don't pretend about this, child. You don't go on a board and say you're going to do. People don't do that. They JUST DO IT. THE GAMES MUST STOP.

Days suck. Nights are worse....

I HATE MY JOB. I hate being treated like a lesser person, because I'm on an assistant. My opinion means nothing. My rights mean nothing. I'm told one thing and another thing happens. I hate working nights, I hate working weekends and I hate that everyone has a normal job, but I don't.

I just purged chicken noodle soup. My safe food. What the FUCK??? Why did I just purge my safe food. Because I was stupid. I had mini bread sticks with it. I fucked up. I added a stupid food and purged the lot. I need to STOP FUCKING UP. No more mixing my bad food with my safe food. I feel rotten now. My neck is stiff from bending over the board, my throat hurts and my head is spinning. All because I can't say no. No control.

Apparently I've finally offended BSL enough for her to stop talking to me on MSN. Unfortunately, I don't regret what I've said about Lemonie. She needs to STOP. Stop attention seeking. Stop thinking that an eating disorder is just a game you play to get others to like you. Stop throwing temper tantrums every time someone doesn't want to get absorbed into your little world of YOU. It is not ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME. Maybe I'll regret what I said later. But right now, feeling the way I do, with my heart beating out of my chest, my vision blurred and my body aching, I am sick of being sick and sick of others pretending to be.

I applied for another job today. It's only an administrative assistant, but the pay is about the same as i'm getting now, for less hours, 9 to 5, Monday to Friday. No being on call, no weekends, no finishing at 8pm. I doubt I'll get it, but at least I've tried. I have someone in the 'Industry' looking out for jobs for me, so all I can do is cross my fingers.

I'm not normal. I have an eating disorder. ED-NOS, bulimarexia, what ever you want to call it. I suffer from sever depression. I'm neurotic, apparently. I'm not normal, but I want an normal job.

I want my ex back. He's my best friend. My life. I want him back. Come back to me, sweetie, please??

A new day. A new crappy day.

Tomorrow might be better, he told me. Well, it's not. You're still not in love with me. My Dad is still dead. I'm still all alone.

At least he talked to me first today. He asked me how I was. He gave me some helpful suggestions. Screw my current job. I'm going to volunteer with two companies and if they happen to create a position for me, fuck it. I'll cash in my annual leave and that way, I can still go to Bali with a group of friends who at least give a fuck about me. Three of them actually WANT to fuck me. Hell, I haven't had sex in years, haven't been held in so long... maybe I'll let them so I don't forget how it's done. I know that seems messed up, but I am, so what the hell.

He agreed, I need to get professional help again. Sure, it's only one week out of the month that I feel so depressed and down and out.... but during that one week, I've contemplated taking 2 months of my thyroid medication all at once. Literally blow my heart out of my body. So maybe he's right, I should talk to someone who might be able to proscribe me something to numb pain that almost kills me once a month. "She committed suicide due to intense PMS". That'd be an interesting headline.

So I go on BDF. I've been on and off for more then seven years. I remember lots of girls who actually understood me. Didn't judge, didn't ask for tips, didn't ramble about themselves for two pages then completely ignore advice, it really helped.

I've been coming back on for two years now, and my God. Some of the girls, one in particular, really piss me off. An eating disorder is a serious mental illness that can and probably will kill some of us. It isn't an excuse for attention. It isn't something you wear like a badge 'look an me, look at me, I have an ED!!!'. I've been hospitalized. I've been force fed. I've thrown up and shat out blood, I've almost overdosed on laxatives, diuretics and I've tried to committee suicide twice, almost taking out my ex with me. The depression that causes/follows/joins an eating disorder is so painful I often go to sleep wishing I wouldn't wake up. I stare at myself, weigh myself, count everything, pinch, hit and stab my fat with sharp instruments. This is an eating disorder. Not an 'ed' an Eating disorder.

So when I see some pissed off, attention seeking kid come on the board and claim to have an 'ed', say she purged because someone else is a 'bitch', pretend to be suicidal every ten minutes then come back with an 'all better now', I just want to rip her out of existence, slap her across the face and tell her to wake up and get over herself.

"Is anyone here? I think I might need to talk. Kind of one of those...emergencies? Like, yah..."

It's the 'Like, yah...' That makes me want to.... I don't know. I can't stand it.

My one line diary.. somewhere to ramble....

Well, I've decided to have a blog. Not really sure why. I suppose it's just somewhere I can mumble shit and not have to worry about the person loosing interest in me half way through.

I've had an eating disorder for more then 10 years. I was officially diagnosed with depression two years ago. My father died in March this year and my partner of five years split with me last June, yet we speak most days.

I saw him today. I was so depressed and wanted to shut myself in my room all day, but he phoned me up, said he was coming round and he did. I love him for that. He made me laugh. He knew how sad I was and he went out of his way to cheer me up. Why can't he just love me like he used to?

I love him so much it hurts. I've been having sexual dreams about him lately, something that I never have had with anyone else. I just want him to remember why he used to love me and decide that we can work after all.

He's pretty much told me that I need to get well before we could even consider it (even though he tells me he doesn't see us as anymore then friends) and I'm trying. I go to a nutritionist, I'm part of a trial self help program for eating disorder patients, what more does he want??

I've had this disorder for so long. I'm classed as someone who is bulimic, with some symptoms of anorexia, but really, I think I'm just ED-NOS.

I purged in a public restroom last night, something I haven't done for over six months. I went out with family, ate shit loads and purged between bowling frames.

I want my ex back so badly, but apparently not enough to stop my fucked up behavior. Don't know weather this means I don't love him as much as I though, or if I'm just so absorbed in my disorder, I can't stop it.

I hate my work. It's boring, degrading and mind numbing. I seriously doubt I can last the six months I need to get through, before I can find a new job.

I really don't want to wake up most mornings. If it wasn't for the fact that my ex is still willing to stay my close friend, I doubt I'd wake up at all.