A new day. A new crappy day.

Tomorrow might be better, he told me. Well, it's not. You're still not in love with me. My Dad is still dead. I'm still all alone.

At least he talked to me first today. He asked me how I was. He gave me some helpful suggestions. Screw my current job. I'm going to volunteer with two companies and if they happen to create a position for me, fuck it. I'll cash in my annual leave and that way, I can still go to Bali with a group of friends who at least give a fuck about me. Three of them actually WANT to fuck me. Hell, I haven't had sex in years, haven't been held in so long... maybe I'll let them so I don't forget how it's done. I know that seems messed up, but I am, so what the hell.

He agreed, I need to get professional help again. Sure, it's only one week out of the month that I feel so depressed and down and out.... but during that one week, I've contemplated taking 2 months of my thyroid medication all at once. Literally blow my heart out of my body. So maybe he's right, I should talk to someone who might be able to proscribe me something to numb pain that almost kills me once a month. "She committed suicide due to intense PMS". That'd be an interesting headline.

So I go on BDF. I've been on and off for more then seven years. I remember lots of girls who actually understood me. Didn't judge, didn't ask for tips, didn't ramble about themselves for two pages then completely ignore advice, it really helped.

I've been coming back on for two years now, and my God. Some of the girls, one in particular, really piss me off. An eating disorder is a serious mental illness that can and probably will kill some of us. It isn't an excuse for attention. It isn't something you wear like a badge 'look an me, look at me, I have an ED!!!'. I've been hospitalized. I've been force fed. I've thrown up and shat out blood, I've almost overdosed on laxatives, diuretics and I've tried to committee suicide twice, almost taking out my ex with me. The depression that causes/follows/joins an eating disorder is so painful I often go to sleep wishing I wouldn't wake up. I stare at myself, weigh myself, count everything, pinch, hit and stab my fat with sharp instruments. This is an eating disorder. Not an 'ed' an Eating disorder.

So when I see some pissed off, attention seeking kid come on the board and claim to have an 'ed', say she purged because someone else is a 'bitch', pretend to be suicidal every ten minutes then come back with an 'all better now', I just want to rip her out of existence, slap her across the face and tell her to wake up and get over herself.

"Is anyone here? I think I might need to talk. Kind of one of those...emergencies? Like, yah..."

It's the 'Like, yah...' That makes me want to.... I don't know. I can't stand it.