A day away from the chaos and yet.......

I have a day off from work. It is 10am and I'm still in my pajamas. It feels good. Yet I have to go back tomorrow, so I feel like shit again.

I haven't eaten today. Maybe I wont? After my episode last night, it might be best.

Yet I have no choice. HE'S coming over tonight. He wants me to cook. He misses my cooking. Could that lead to missing me too???? I wish. I hope. I miss him so much that I ache. I reach out for him at night, after a nightmare wakes me. He hasn't been next to me in bed for over a year, but I still reach for him. The same way I go and send a text message to my Dad, even though he died.

I have to go shopping today. I will make a list. I will stick to the list, damn it. I will NOT come back with more food. I will not EAT a weeks worth of food in a day, just so I can purge it. I CAN'T AFFORD SHIT LIKE THIS.

My application is in. If I even get an interview, I will fall off my chair. Positive out look!

Just been back on BDF. My god, I hate being on the otherside of the world. Then I could weigh in on some of the shit that goes on, while it actually happens.

She's been back. 'I don't like the attention' She says. Okay, two days ago, Emergency, like yah???? Because THAT's not attention seeking. 'I don't complain about people ignoring me'.. A week ago, 'No one answers my posts!!'... 'I'm NOT a drama queen! I don't post about killing myself!!!' STOP LYING!!!!!!

Stop it! Stop insulting those who have a serious illness!! Stop insulting those who have tried to take their own lives. Stop insulting those poor soles who've succeeded. My second cousin didn't tell anyone. She didn't pretend. She didn't lie. She just did it. Took the gun and fired. Brooke didn't tell anyone. No one even knew he had depression. The phone call came. Brooke committed suicide.

Why would anyone joke about this? Why would anyone pretend? I tried to drive my car into a tree, with my partner by my side. He jumped out of the car, he was so scared. Threw himself out of a moving vehicle. The shock of what he did brought me back from my haze. I could have killed him. Fuck killing myself, I could have killed the man I love. This is something to say just for the HELL of it??? Fuck no. You don't pretend about this, child. You don't go on a board and say you're going to do. People don't do that. They JUST DO IT. THE GAMES MUST STOP.