My one line diary.. somewhere to ramble....

Well, I've decided to have a blog. Not really sure why. I suppose it's just somewhere I can mumble shit and not have to worry about the person loosing interest in me half way through.

I've had an eating disorder for more then 10 years. I was officially diagnosed with depression two years ago. My father died in March this year and my partner of five years split with me last June, yet we speak most days.

I saw him today. I was so depressed and wanted to shut myself in my room all day, but he phoned me up, said he was coming round and he did. I love him for that. He made me laugh. He knew how sad I was and he went out of his way to cheer me up. Why can't he just love me like he used to?

I love him so much it hurts. I've been having sexual dreams about him lately, something that I never have had with anyone else. I just want him to remember why he used to love me and decide that we can work after all.

He's pretty much told me that I need to get well before we could even consider it (even though he tells me he doesn't see us as anymore then friends) and I'm trying. I go to a nutritionist, I'm part of a trial self help program for eating disorder patients, what more does he want??

I've had this disorder for so long. I'm classed as someone who is bulimic, with some symptoms of anorexia, but really, I think I'm just ED-NOS.

I purged in a public restroom last night, something I haven't done for over six months. I went out with family, ate shit loads and purged between bowling frames.

I want my ex back so badly, but apparently not enough to stop my fucked up behavior. Don't know weather this means I don't love him as much as I though, or if I'm just so absorbed in my disorder, I can't stop it.

I hate my work. It's boring, degrading and mind numbing. I seriously doubt I can last the six months I need to get through, before I can find a new job.

I really don't want to wake up most mornings. If it wasn't for the fact that my ex is still willing to stay my close friend, I doubt I'd wake up at all.