Days suck. Nights are worse....

I HATE MY JOB. I hate being treated like a lesser person, because I'm on an assistant. My opinion means nothing. My rights mean nothing. I'm told one thing and another thing happens. I hate working nights, I hate working weekends and I hate that everyone has a normal job, but I don't.

I just purged chicken noodle soup. My safe food. What the FUCK??? Why did I just purge my safe food. Because I was stupid. I had mini bread sticks with it. I fucked up. I added a stupid food and purged the lot. I need to STOP FUCKING UP. No more mixing my bad food with my safe food. I feel rotten now. My neck is stiff from bending over the board, my throat hurts and my head is spinning. All because I can't say no. No control.

Apparently I've finally offended BSL enough for her to stop talking to me on MSN. Unfortunately, I don't regret what I've said about Lemonie. She needs to STOP. Stop attention seeking. Stop thinking that an eating disorder is just a game you play to get others to like you. Stop throwing temper tantrums every time someone doesn't want to get absorbed into your little world of YOU. It is not ALL ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME. Maybe I'll regret what I said later. But right now, feeling the way I do, with my heart beating out of my chest, my vision blurred and my body aching, I am sick of being sick and sick of others pretending to be.

I applied for another job today. It's only an administrative assistant, but the pay is about the same as i'm getting now, for less hours, 9 to 5, Monday to Friday. No being on call, no weekends, no finishing at 8pm. I doubt I'll get it, but at least I've tried. I have someone in the 'Industry' looking out for jobs for me, so all I can do is cross my fingers.

I'm not normal. I have an eating disorder. ED-NOS, bulimarexia, what ever you want to call it. I suffer from sever depression. I'm neurotic, apparently. I'm not normal, but I want an normal job.

I want my ex back. He's my best friend. My life. I want him back. Come back to me, sweetie, please??