A recap of 2009.......

Start with the low points first.....

I'm still single. Yes, a lot of it's my fault. I refuse to get over my ex and I still feel we could make it work again one day. He was broken, then I was broken. Maybe if when we're both well, we can make it work. There is too much history, too much there, too many good times still happening. But I'm still alone. I'm going to bed every night alone and I will wake up to the first day of 2009 all alone.

I'm still in the same job. I hate it. I swore to myself last year that I wouldn't be in this job and I still am. FAIL.

My health isn't great. My eating disorder is manifesting itself in a lot of ways and I can't handle a lot of things - eating in public, eating in general sometimes. I've put on weight that I didn't want too, my depression got worse and I can't sleep about 75% of the time.

My finances are screwed. I've got people threating me left right and center. I've got creditors phoning me, writing to me, sending threats and solicitors letters. I don't know what I'm going to do, honestly.

*SIGH*

Positives.... I suppose I can find a few....

Yes, my eating disorder is manifesting itself in other ways - but I'm purge free for almost 18 weeks. That's the most I've managed since I developed bulimia.

I finally got health insurance. I might finally be able to get my teeth fixed in the New Year.

I've been promoted to Store Manager. Yes, I hate my job with a passion and prey for a new one - but hey, I'm bloody good at a job I hate!

I've landed a volunteer position with a theatrical web based company. I need it if I'm to get anywhere in the arts and it's a great step.

I'm still studying. I enjoy that, at least.

I've started to go to a support group for people with eating disorders. I never thought I'd be able to do that.

I'm finally receiving medical treatment for my depression. I never thought I'd be able to do that, either.


Resolutions for 2009

Control my weight. No, not eating disorder related, but by going to a natropath or something, to find out how to put my metabolism back in order. My years of starving, binging, purging, starving etc, it's no longer working. I eat semi normally and my weight goes up. It's not right.

Get out of my house. My depression has caused me to be shut inside myself a lot of the time. I go out to the pub once a week, then only when I'm with G. I need to get out before I loose myself in myself all together.

Get Arts experience anyway I can.

Keep studying and actually try and do better this time!

Get organised!!!! If I want to be busy, then I need NOT to forget what the hell I'm supposed to do!!!

Resolve myself with G. Get him to remember why he loved me. Grasping at straws, but I need to try.

Try and be happy.......

Bring on 2009

'Cause 2008 has really sucked arse.

I'm still stuck in a job I hate. I've go no money. My credit rating has been screwed.

Next year I will get organized and get HAPPY.

I'm not putting any other pressures on myself but that. No more promises. No more crappy resolutions. Just get my shit together and get a happy life.

14 weeks.....

That's how long it's been since I purged. Am I proud? HELL YES. Has it been hard? FUCK YEAH.

I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.

No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.

So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.

Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.

I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.

I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.

My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.

I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.

Bye for now.