14 weeks.....

That's how long it's been since I purged. Am I proud? HELL YES. Has it been hard? FUCK YEAH.

I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.

No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.

So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.

Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.

I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.

I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.

My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.

I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.

Bye for now.