This, I stole from Masq.....
Two Names You Go By:
Amie
Strayed
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
Black pants
Purple shirt dress
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
Love
Humor
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
Act (on the stage)
Spend time with friends
Two pets you had/have:
Allie - Domestic short hair
Dilly - I thought domestic, but now believe to be Maine Coon
Two Things You Want sooner rather than later.
To be loved
Financial stability
Two things you did last night:
Slept
Watched A LOT of TV
Two things you ate today:
McDonalds (Sometimes I hate my ex...)
Pumpkin soup (99% fat free)
Two people you Last Talked To:
In person:
My ex
Person who sold me my groceries
On the phone:
My ex
My boss
In my head or under my breath:
My sister
Masq!!!
Two Things You’re doing tomorrow:
Writing an email to my boss
Sorting out my Beanie Kids
Two longest car rides:
Adelaide to Melbourne
Adelaide to Sydney (Bus really, but still excruciating)
Two Favorite Drinks:
Peppermint tea
Creaming soda
I have a major work dilemma that's doing my head in. Put my name forth to be promoted to store manager, or keep my mouth shut and hope I get one of the two jobs I've applied for. If I put my name forth, then leave if I get one of my other jobs, I'm going to have made trouble with my boss, by showing interest and having her consider me, when I had not intention of taking the job. I'm also going to look like I'm.... double crossing... I don't know.
If I don't put my name forth, then miss out on my other jobs, I'm left in a position that I don't like. That I can't grow in and feel smothered by.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Oh my.......what a weekend.....
My weekend away was...... I don't really know where to start...
The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.
Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.
Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.
The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.
He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.
But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.
The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!
I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.
On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.
So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.
The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.
Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.
Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.
The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.
He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.
But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.
The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!
I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.
On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.
So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Well, I'm off in an hour...
My weekend away with my friend and S, to see R. My week with N is over and I'm really sad about it. He's found another job, too. Moving away and everything.
My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.
This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!
My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.
This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Happy Birthday to me!
I went to work today. For three hours, on my birthday, what was supposed to be my day off, I went into work. I did it for him. For N. I want him to see my dedication. Yes, I don't like my job. I'm smarter then my job. I outgrew it after my three months of training. But this doesn't mean my commitment and dedication leaves my work. I take pride in my work. I want to do it well, even thought I can't say that I enjoy it or even like it. N and I always have fun, though. We laugh and tease each other, while getting work done. It's probably the best working relationship I've had in a long time. I just wish we could actually BECOME involved.
My ex rang at about 10am. He'd come over, so I left work to join him. Bless the wonderful man. He'd done the dishes, cleaned my kitchen, organized my house and stayed all day with my family. Most of my family were here. My sister and cousin couldn't make it, but that's alright. My ex served food, found drinks, moved chairs, took plates away and was just amazing. He made me laugh and was a darling.
R rang and left the funniest message this morning. I unfortunately missed his call, but it started with 'g'day you gorgeous, sexy, young 28 year old'. He always makes me laugh, that man. I love him to death. I'll get to see him this weekend. I'm a little apprehensive and nervous, but I know it will be great fun. Our time together always is.
So, that's my birthday for 2008. If my Dad were here, it would have been perfect. Well, almost perfect. If my ex actually loved me back and we were together again as partners, then it would have been perfect.
I love you, Dad.
My ex rang at about 10am. He'd come over, so I left work to join him. Bless the wonderful man. He'd done the dishes, cleaned my kitchen, organized my house and stayed all day with my family. Most of my family were here. My sister and cousin couldn't make it, but that's alright. My ex served food, found drinks, moved chairs, took plates away and was just amazing. He made me laugh and was a darling.
R rang and left the funniest message this morning. I unfortunately missed his call, but it started with 'g'day you gorgeous, sexy, young 28 year old'. He always makes me laugh, that man. I love him to death. I'll get to see him this weekend. I'm a little apprehensive and nervous, but I know it will be great fun. Our time together always is.
So, that's my birthday for 2008. If my Dad were here, it would have been perfect. Well, almost perfect. If my ex actually loved me back and we were together again as partners, then it would have been perfect.
I love you, Dad.
Friday, March 7, 2008
If I hear those works again, so help me God......
If only you were ten years older.....
My friend used those words last night. I am so fucking sick of hearing it. Just when I think things might work between us, he says those words. I was ready to smack him across the head. He chased me. He's tried to kiss me, take me to his bed, have me stay over so many times, made innuendos, suggestions and everything else, then, when I finally think that maybe.... he drops it on me.
Next weekend, he's taking me away, apparently. It's gone from the three of us (my friend, myself and another friend, S), going away, to him taking me away. I think he realizes I've been stressed out with work and un-well and he's decided that it's his job to get me away from the weekend so I can relax. I do appreciate that, and I care for him deeply, but why did he have to say those works??
I can't stop thinking about my work mate, N. I just wish that things were different. I truly care about him... It just isn't fair.
I'm planning on working my arse off tomorrow and Tuesday. We have 2 store visitsI and as much as I really don't like my job, I sadly take pride in my work and want things to look good.
Yesterday, after the lovely day I spent with my ex, seeing a show, having lunch and visiting his brother, I actually went back to work to see N. It started out as some lame excuse to find out about an order, and ending in me staying for two hours. When he finished at the till and went out the back to the office, we were chatting and I shifted my purse and keys. He looked at me and asked if I was leaving. I asked why and did he want me to stay and he said yes. We talked, laughed... then went into a discussion about work, again. He understands me so well. He understands that even though I don't like my work, I still want to do well. He's the only one who can understand. We kept laughing, he smiled at me, not only with his face, but with his eyes. He kept touching my shoulders, my side, my hair, in that soft and gentle way...... *SIGH*
I want N to realize how hard I work and admire me for it.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
My friend used those words last night. I am so fucking sick of hearing it. Just when I think things might work between us, he says those words. I was ready to smack him across the head. He chased me. He's tried to kiss me, take me to his bed, have me stay over so many times, made innuendos, suggestions and everything else, then, when I finally think that maybe.... he drops it on me.
Next weekend, he's taking me away, apparently. It's gone from the three of us (my friend, myself and another friend, S), going away, to him taking me away. I think he realizes I've been stressed out with work and un-well and he's decided that it's his job to get me away from the weekend so I can relax. I do appreciate that, and I care for him deeply, but why did he have to say those works??
I can't stop thinking about my work mate, N. I just wish that things were different. I truly care about him... It just isn't fair.
I'm planning on working my arse off tomorrow and Tuesday. We have 2 store visitsI and as much as I really don't like my job, I sadly take pride in my work and want things to look good.
Yesterday, after the lovely day I spent with my ex, seeing a show, having lunch and visiting his brother, I actually went back to work to see N. It started out as some lame excuse to find out about an order, and ending in me staying for two hours. When he finished at the till and went out the back to the office, we were chatting and I shifted my purse and keys. He looked at me and asked if I was leaving. I asked why and did he want me to stay and he said yes. We talked, laughed... then went into a discussion about work, again. He understands me so well. He understands that even though I don't like my work, I still want to do well. He's the only one who can understand. We kept laughing, he smiled at me, not only with his face, but with his eyes. He kept touching my shoulders, my side, my hair, in that soft and gentle way...... *SIGH*
I want N to realize how hard I work and admire me for it.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
I finally find someone I could move on with.....
And he's leaving soon. He works for the same company as me. He's also an assistant manager and one of the most gentle, sweet, funny, and kindest men I've ever met. We get on so well. We always laugh together, smile and have so much fun when we work together. We can tease each other, then talk seriously within the same few minutes.
We would be so good together, I know it. And by the way he's started to touch me, smile at me and look at me, I think he might feel something too. The thing is, is that he's leaving soon, to move to another town with his girlfriend.
After 18 months of not even wanting to LOOK at another guy, I've founds someone I could actually start a relationship with, and he's attached. He's in a relationship and he's moving away.
And my ex is moving in with his girlfriend. After telling me he wouldn't, after promising he would be honest with me, I over heard a conversation and learned the truth. He was upset. He told me how much he was sorry and how he didn't want to loose me as a friend, but I just don' know any more. I love him so much and I don't know if I could imagine life without him being a part of it, but how do I trust someone who can't be honest with me? As I told him, it hurts when I hear he's moving on with his life, but I'd rather hear it from him and not someone else. I'm still determined to win him back, I just wish he'd at least be honest with me, so that our relationship could progress. He said he'd been a coward and didn't want to hurt me. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.
Last night was wonderful. Seeing the show. After we'd talked and I'd gotten upset and had time to calm down, we had a good night. Yesterday and today, seeing those educational shows was incredible. We shared a wonderful experience and I think it helped bring us a little closer. We'll see what happens, I guess. To feel so apart, then so close is just hard.
I was in tears last night, because I was so hurt to hear he was moving in with her. Then, this calmness fell over me, and I thought 'it will be ok. We'll be together eventually'. I don't know why this thought came to me, but the tears stopped and I was ok. Was it a message from my Dad? A reckless hoping? I don't know. It just felt so right. Like it's really going to happen. Only time will tell.
We would be so good together, I know it. And by the way he's started to touch me, smile at me and look at me, I think he might feel something too. The thing is, is that he's leaving soon, to move to another town with his girlfriend.
After 18 months of not even wanting to LOOK at another guy, I've founds someone I could actually start a relationship with, and he's attached. He's in a relationship and he's moving away.
And my ex is moving in with his girlfriend. After telling me he wouldn't, after promising he would be honest with me, I over heard a conversation and learned the truth. He was upset. He told me how much he was sorry and how he didn't want to loose me as a friend, but I just don' know any more. I love him so much and I don't know if I could imagine life without him being a part of it, but how do I trust someone who can't be honest with me? As I told him, it hurts when I hear he's moving on with his life, but I'd rather hear it from him and not someone else. I'm still determined to win him back, I just wish he'd at least be honest with me, so that our relationship could progress. He said he'd been a coward and didn't want to hurt me. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.
Last night was wonderful. Seeing the show. After we'd talked and I'd gotten upset and had time to calm down, we had a good night. Yesterday and today, seeing those educational shows was incredible. We shared a wonderful experience and I think it helped bring us a little closer. We'll see what happens, I guess. To feel so apart, then so close is just hard.
I was in tears last night, because I was so hurt to hear he was moving in with her. Then, this calmness fell over me, and I thought 'it will be ok. We'll be together eventually'. I don't know why this thought came to me, but the tears stopped and I was ok. Was it a message from my Dad? A reckless hoping? I don't know. It just felt so right. Like it's really going to happen. Only time will tell.
Monday, March 3, 2008
And it all falls apart.......
I thought I'd be Ok, I really did. I thought I could just look forward to everything good that's coming up. My trip away with my good friends. Seeing 5 shows with my ex. All the nice things he has planned for both his birthday and mine. Working with my favorite manager.
But I can't be happy. I can't look forward to anything. Friday week, it will be 1 year since my beautiful father left this earth. One year since I heard his laugh, saw his smile, felt his love. I still feel his love, I feel his presence, but I miss him so much it hurts me. He was the dearest man in my life and he's gone.
And I'm devastated. Why did he have to go? Why did his illness take him? Why did my Daddy leave me?
The one man I thought would understand, would be there for me, my ex who lost HIS father, has decided to keep his distance. Yes, I'm spending most of the weekend with him, but It's NOW that I need him and he's not here. He left me last night, when he could see I was upset. He wouldn't answer my messages tonight. Does he care?
I thought about it a lot last night. If I ended my life, who would care? Who would come? Could I see my Dad again??
The one and only thing that's kept me here? The thought that if I made it to Heaven, somehow, my dear Dad would take one look at me and cry. He would be so hurt and so sad that I ended my time on this earth that he fought so hard to stay on. He would be devastated.
I can't end it here not knowing how much it would hurt Daddy. I just wish that my ex could..... would...... I don't know. Prove that he is actually my friend. That he actually cares. Not ignore me. Not disregard me. Not leave me. He has no idea.
My kidney infection came back. I'm on an anti-biotic so strong that I feel worse then when I had the infection. Nausea, diarrhea, craps, dizziness, sweats. It really sucks. My uni is suffering. I have to get back into gear. I need my motivation. Maybe once the anniversary is over, I can begin my life again, but at the moment....... I just don't know.
But I can't be happy. I can't look forward to anything. Friday week, it will be 1 year since my beautiful father left this earth. One year since I heard his laugh, saw his smile, felt his love. I still feel his love, I feel his presence, but I miss him so much it hurts me. He was the dearest man in my life and he's gone.
And I'm devastated. Why did he have to go? Why did his illness take him? Why did my Daddy leave me?
The one man I thought would understand, would be there for me, my ex who lost HIS father, has decided to keep his distance. Yes, I'm spending most of the weekend with him, but It's NOW that I need him and he's not here. He left me last night, when he could see I was upset. He wouldn't answer my messages tonight. Does he care?
I thought about it a lot last night. If I ended my life, who would care? Who would come? Could I see my Dad again??
The one and only thing that's kept me here? The thought that if I made it to Heaven, somehow, my dear Dad would take one look at me and cry. He would be so hurt and so sad that I ended my time on this earth that he fought so hard to stay on. He would be devastated.
I can't end it here not knowing how much it would hurt Daddy. I just wish that my ex could..... would...... I don't know. Prove that he is actually my friend. That he actually cares. Not ignore me. Not disregard me. Not leave me. He has no idea.
My kidney infection came back. I'm on an anti-biotic so strong that I feel worse then when I had the infection. Nausea, diarrhea, craps, dizziness, sweats. It really sucks. My uni is suffering. I have to get back into gear. I need my motivation. Maybe once the anniversary is over, I can begin my life again, but at the moment....... I just don't know.
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