And it all falls apart.......

I thought I'd be Ok, I really did. I thought I could just look forward to everything good that's coming up. My trip away with my good friends. Seeing 5 shows with my ex. All the nice things he has planned for both his birthday and mine. Working with my favorite manager.

But I can't be happy. I can't look forward to anything. Friday week, it will be 1 year since my beautiful father left this earth. One year since I heard his laugh, saw his smile, felt his love. I still feel his love, I feel his presence, but I miss him so much it hurts me. He was the dearest man in my life and he's gone.

And I'm devastated. Why did he have to go? Why did his illness take him? Why did my Daddy leave me?

The one man I thought would understand, would be there for me, my ex who lost HIS father, has decided to keep his distance. Yes, I'm spending most of the weekend with him, but It's NOW that I need him and he's not here. He left me last night, when he could see I was upset. He wouldn't answer my messages tonight. Does he care?

I thought about it a lot last night. If I ended my life, who would care? Who would come? Could I see my Dad again??

The one and only thing that's kept me here? The thought that if I made it to Heaven, somehow, my dear Dad would take one look at me and cry. He would be so hurt and so sad that I ended my time on this earth that he fought so hard to stay on. He would be devastated.

I can't end it here not knowing how much it would hurt Daddy. I just wish that my ex could..... would...... I don't know. Prove that he is actually my friend. That he actually cares. Not ignore me. Not disregard me. Not leave me. He has no idea.

My kidney infection came back. I'm on an anti-biotic so strong that I feel worse then when I had the infection. Nausea, diarrhea, craps, dizziness, sweats. It really sucks. My uni is suffering. I have to get back into gear. I need my motivation. Maybe once the anniversary is over, I can begin my life again, but at the moment....... I just don't know.