Oh my.......what a weekend.....

My weekend away was...... I don't really know where to start...

The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.

Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.

Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.

The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.

He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.

But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.

The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.

I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!

I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.

On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.

So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.