Well, he FINALLY called!

Took him long enough!! Tomorrow night, we're seeing a movie together. We may have dinner after. I'm going to the pub after that, I assume he'll be there too. I was so happy when he called. I really thought he wasn't going to.

What made it interesting was that my ex was in the car with me. He went all quite after the call. I think he wanted to ask me questions about my relationship with this guy, but he didn't. Whether he thought it wasn't his business or just didn't have the courage to ask, because of course he doesn't love me, I don't know. I know it wasn't because he didn't care, though. He did. I could feel it.

It's really funny, I know His ex wants him back. The last time I mentioned his name, he snapped at me about her. He said something about she got mad and stopped talking to him. Honestly, with out acting like crazy jealous girl, she is so full of her self. She always saw herself as the best thing on two legs. She thought she was so beautiful and funny and wonderful that there's no room for anyone else when she's around. Why he was attracted to her, I'm not sure. He said they had fun together. Fun and intimacy is great, don't get me wrong, but if that's all you have, what happens when the lights aren't out and the laughter stops? If you have nothing in common, no common interests, goals, hopes, dreams, what possible chance have you got for a relationship? Her ego was just too strong for him. She pushed himself so far into him that there was no room left for him or his wants. She kept telling him that she loved him and cared for him, yet she was a bully. It was her way or she sulked and abused him. I know she wants him back, who wouldn't want him? I know she calls him and I know she still texts him. I see him read messages or look at the screen when she calls and I'm around. She's pushing so hard and pushing her apparently wonderful attributes at him and I know he'll push her back so hard that she'll loose him altogether. I just hope it happens soon, so I can try to move on with him. Yes, our intimacy died out, but laughter, common interests and everything else is there. I truly believe intimacy can grow, as can his attraction in me. It just needs time.

In the mean time, I'm going out with my friend. Who knows why, but I love having someone around who loves and adores me. I pray that one day it will be HIM that adores me and I really believe that someday it will, but for now, my friend will do. I care about him and it's fun.

My body is plotting against me.

It just doesn't want to work properly. I have aches and pains in places I didn't think were possible. I get weird chest pains and although I doubt their heart related, I think there's a problem with my breathing.

I'm so tired all the time. I tried sleeping more, I tried sleeping less. Bottom line: I'M TIRED. No amount of sleep rests me.

My stomach is a constant mess of churning, bubbling and groaning. I know it's because I'm purging again. I know it's because the little food I eat is mixed with a combination of laxatives and fiber so it's always moving and mixing. I just hate it. I'm constantly uncomfortable.

In other news, my friend hasn't called AGAIN. After promising he'd call me, he hasn't. On Friday, he apologized and said he would, but he HASN'T. I know he was worried about me. Half way through the night, I got an intense headache that wouldn't go away. I know that the alcohol and little food didn't help, but it was really painful. I apparently went quite and distant, but all I really remember is the pain.

My ex came over twice on the weekend. I didn't think he would, but he did. Saturday was always going to be our day together, but I invited him last night on whim. I didn't think he would, but he did. It was lovely and wonderful. We are spending more and more time together. Now if only he'd miss out on this job and find one closer to home.

He can't leave me again.......

My heart's going to break if he does. He's no longer my lover. He's no longer my partner. I no longer see him every day. Wake up next to him, spend days with him. He can't leave me.
He can't get this job. He can't move thousands of kilometers away. He just can't.

I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. But to pack up and leave for the first job he might get? I can't loose someone else in my life. Not when he's the glue that's been holding me together.

Please don't go, sweetie? I love you, Bubby. Please don't leave me.

Last night.... an amazing night.....

So, my ex and I went to dinner with two friends of ours. They met my ex through theatre, so I met them through my ex. We went to a lovely Italian restaurant. They know the owners, so the food and the service is always wonderful. I was scared about eating in public. I only had once piece of the entree, which I didn't finish and I know everyone noticed, but our friends are too polite to say anything. They'll probably mention my weight and my eating next time we see them. When we hugged and kissed good bye, I felt her arms tighten around my waist.

The night was just so perfect. These three people are people I could tell anything too. We spoke about my feelings after my Dad died, how worried I am about my sister and brother, how I hate my sister in law for what she said to me and how she treats my brother. We spoke about my feelings towards my mother and her..... thing. We spoke about my work. My hopes for my degree. They are always so interested in me, my opinions and everything in my life.

They told me I need to get back into the theatre. This year, I will try. They told me I need to find an intellectually stimulating job. That I have brains and I need to be in a work environment to use them. She actually told me she thought I had the brains to be a vet. No one but my father, and maybe R has said that about my level of intelligence. I was amazed.

They inspire me with everything they do. They are two of the most intelligent, energetic and amazing couples. She has survived bowl cancer and he lives with a tricky form of diabetes. She also has meniere's disease, an increasingly tricky illness that affects balance, movement and so many other things. But they both refuse to let things beat them. She's decided that she wants to be a celebrant. She also wants to think about arranging funerals. She wants to spend time helping people through joy and pain. She would be perfect. If it wasn't for her, her husband and my ex, I wouldn't have gotten through last year or been where I am now. I love these people with all my heart.

Never again.... until next time.....

Well, I overdid the laxatives last night. At about 2am, I woke up in enormous pain. Ok, nothing unusual there. There is usually pain when you take more then the recommended dose. I doubled it, so I expected that. So I stumbled to the bath room and sat down. After a couple of minutes, I started to feel really warm. It's been warm here in Australia and my house is taking it's time to cool down, so I thought, alright, it's still warm. Everything kept pouring out of my body, which I was happy about, but the pain didn't stop, it just became more intense. Then suddenly, my body turned ice cold. I was still sweating like an animal, but the wave of cold hit. Then I felt really nauseous, like I was going to throw up but had nothing inside, and felt light headed, dizzy and shaky. I really thought I was going to pass out on the toilet. I felt soooooo sick and scared and was regretting every laxative I'd taken. I put my head down on my legs and the feeling passed and I became really hot again and my skin went red.

So, I finished (sort of) and stood up and flushed. Then, I got really dizzy again. My head started spinning and I started seeing light dots and flashes in my eyes. I couldn't really see where I was going, so I felt my way back to bed and lay down. I think I really did pass out then.

I woke up a couple of times later, with pain and churning and my stomach felt like It was ripping apart, but that was more like what I usually feel after laxatives.

I think I'm completely empty now. I love feeling completely empty. My weight is down, and I'm satisfied there is nothing left in my stomach, intestines or anywhere in my body.

I'm a little dizzy and shaky, but hey, that's normal for me.

I told myself while sitting on the toilet that I'd throw my laxatives out this morning. I'd never take them again. That was it. Restrict, fast, exercise, whatever, no more laxatives. But it's morning now, I feel happy and empty and last night didn't seem so bad.

So, I might leave them alone for a little while, but will i never use them again? Never.

Okay, you say you're going to ask me, NOW ASK ME!!!!!

So I went to the pub last night. And my friend was there. Joking around with me, giving me that 'look', giving me all the signs that he still likes me. Then he tells me we need to see a movie. 'I Am Legend', with Will Smith. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I wanted to see it, and last night he says we should see it together. I told him it sounded good and that it was up to him to organize a time. He kept saying he will, but he didn't. ASK ME FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!! I won't say no! I want to see it. I want to see you outside that pub. If I'm going to explore our relationship, I need to do it with the two of us together and not in the pub! He's told me he'll call me. Like he hasn't said that before!!! He wanted me to stay last night, but I couldn't. I was tired and I needed to sleep in my own bed. I needed to sleep as long as my body wanted me too and as he has his daughters this weekend, I would have had to get up early. So it was better that I left. He looked disappointed, but I couldn't help it. Now if he would just CALL me and ASK ME OUT!!!!!

My ex was over today. He looked tired and sad, but he still made time for me. I appreciate what he gives me so much. I know its time together and having fun together that will bring us together again, so I love that it's HIM that initiates the time together.

I am worried, though. My laxatives disappeared. I really needed them last night. I stuck to my plain, but my alcohloic drinks are mixed with milk, so I wanted the extra calories out. But I couldn't find my laxatives. They were gone. I know I had half a pack, but they disappeared. I know he hates me having them. I know he's worried about me and I know he wouldn't talk to me directly. He wants me to come to him and ask him why he took them, just so he could ask me why I had them. So I've said nothing. I went out today to buy more. I really need them. I have an amazing dinner tomorrow night, with my ex and our two best friends and I need to NOT look like the bloated whale I do now. I've taking 8. Twice the recommended dose, but not enough, I hope, to have me running to the bathroom over dinner. I need to have it all out in the morning, so I can spend lunch and dinner with my ex and our friends.

My house is a MESS! Stuff and clutter everywhere. I'm going to spend tonight cleaning it, so I can spend tomorrow and Monday doing nothing. The only thing I want left to do is my floors. A quick vacume and mop before my inspection tomorrow.

I'm hoping to burn some extra calories tonight cleaning up. I stopped eating at 3pm and with my laxatives, I hope to be empty by the morning.

My weight isn't budging. Still fat.

First post of 2008

Well, the year started out a night mare.

I found out that I failed my marketing course. Without it, I could fail my degree. After all the hard work and my ex helping me with the course, I fucking failed. However, my course coordinator has told me if I finish the work (done now) I might be able to pass.

My work continues to suck big time. My boss keeps pushing me about things I've done wrong, but does she ever admit that half the time SHE has no idea?!! Of course not. I'm wrong, she's right. In her mind, any way. But I'm being transfered next week. New store. Probably means no more weekends off, but hell, it's got to be better then the bull shit I'm dealing with now.

My 'friend' continues to baffle me. He seems interested, then he's with another woman. He phones me, but seems distant when I phone him. I've decided to let it run it's course, but if I keep getting mixed signals, I'll just leave the whole thing alone. Last Friday I had an amazing night with the 'old gang'. We were all there. We talked and caught up till 2.30am. R is going into hospital on the 4th, so he was telling me how bored he's going to be. He wants me to visit him while he's there and he wants to 'talk'. He's been mentioning that he really wants us to be alone and talk about the past and goodness only knows what else. He says I'll be surprised at what he remembers.... yes, we were 'together' for four years and if he honestly thinks that I've forgotten one single moment, one single time, one single night on the floor, in his bed, on the desk, in the cool room, on the bar...... I remember it all. He was my first. Yes, there was, and still is a 19 year age difference, but that doesn't stop how I felt then..... I still feel it now.

The memories came flooding back last Friday. With the old gang there... and R didn't leave my side. There were so many people who wanted to talk to him, catch up with him. He hadn't seen most of them for almost 5 years. He's seen me twice in the last month, yet I was the one he wanted to sit next too, talk to, tease, laugh with... it just brought all the old feelings back. He's married now, he has a gorgeous son.... but it doesn't stop how I feel. And he was the one who made the choice to sit next to me.

And then there was HIM. My friend. Sitting on the other side of the room. Looking at me. Smiling at me. But then , his.... I don't know what... came in, put her arm around him, grabbed him, and he let her. He didn't seem to mind. Yes, he looked a little annoyed sometimes, but he didn't try to stop it. And R teased me. Told me he thought I was jealous... but maybe I was... He's given me every impression that he wants to be with me and just when I start to think that maybe.. he's with someone else! And R thinks that age shouldn't be a problem, but then how old is he again...

But then they left. Him and his... I don't know what. But then, HE came back on his own. Said he'd dropped her off at her home. So I don't know. I'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess. I'm going up there like I usually do, so who knows.

My ex is being totally supportive. More so then usual. He keeps reminding me to eat, but he doesn't push. He asks me about going back to the nutritionist, but he doesn't nag. He looked worried and sad when he heard I still purge, but he wasn't cruel. He didn't tell me off, he was just concerned. He was worried. He cares about me and he's worried I'm doing permenant damage to myself.

He keeps coming over. More often then he used too. Twice last weekend. Twice this weekend. Sunday night we're going to dinner with some mutual friends. I love him so much. I know I need to let it happen, if it's going to happen. I need to get myself together. Prove my independence and not push it. I know we were meant to be together, but he needs to see that before It will work. I just need him to remember why he fell in love with me.

My weight is up and down like a friggen yo yo. It's down, it's up. Today it's up, so I've restricted. I've got my period, 8 fucking days early, so who knows.

I.NEED.TO.STOP.EATING.LIKE.A.FUCKING.PIG

NO MORE JUNK.

PERSONAL CHALLENGE TO MYSELF

One day without crap.

Meal plan for tomorrow:

chocolate milk for breakfast (no fat, low sugar - hopefully kill the cravings)

pineapple and fruit for lunch

If not out for dinner, piece of home made pie.

I know its more calories then I'd like, but I've been eating not a lot lately. What I have been eating is pure crap, so I figure If I stick to healthy, then gradually reduce, I won't further kill my already stuffed up metabolism.

Thank the Lord for my weekend off.