First post of 2008

Well, the year started out a night mare.

I found out that I failed my marketing course. Without it, I could fail my degree. After all the hard work and my ex helping me with the course, I fucking failed. However, my course coordinator has told me if I finish the work (done now) I might be able to pass.

My work continues to suck big time. My boss keeps pushing me about things I've done wrong, but does she ever admit that half the time SHE has no idea?!! Of course not. I'm wrong, she's right. In her mind, any way. But I'm being transfered next week. New store. Probably means no more weekends off, but hell, it's got to be better then the bull shit I'm dealing with now.

My 'friend' continues to baffle me. He seems interested, then he's with another woman. He phones me, but seems distant when I phone him. I've decided to let it run it's course, but if I keep getting mixed signals, I'll just leave the whole thing alone. Last Friday I had an amazing night with the 'old gang'. We were all there. We talked and caught up till 2.30am. R is going into hospital on the 4th, so he was telling me how bored he's going to be. He wants me to visit him while he's there and he wants to 'talk'. He's been mentioning that he really wants us to be alone and talk about the past and goodness only knows what else. He says I'll be surprised at what he remembers.... yes, we were 'together' for four years and if he honestly thinks that I've forgotten one single moment, one single time, one single night on the floor, in his bed, on the desk, in the cool room, on the bar...... I remember it all. He was my first. Yes, there was, and still is a 19 year age difference, but that doesn't stop how I felt then..... I still feel it now.

The memories came flooding back last Friday. With the old gang there... and R didn't leave my side. There were so many people who wanted to talk to him, catch up with him. He hadn't seen most of them for almost 5 years. He's seen me twice in the last month, yet I was the one he wanted to sit next too, talk to, tease, laugh with... it just brought all the old feelings back. He's married now, he has a gorgeous son.... but it doesn't stop how I feel. And he was the one who made the choice to sit next to me.

And then there was HIM. My friend. Sitting on the other side of the room. Looking at me. Smiling at me. But then , his.... I don't know what... came in, put her arm around him, grabbed him, and he let her. He didn't seem to mind. Yes, he looked a little annoyed sometimes, but he didn't try to stop it. And R teased me. Told me he thought I was jealous... but maybe I was... He's given me every impression that he wants to be with me and just when I start to think that maybe.. he's with someone else! And R thinks that age shouldn't be a problem, but then how old is he again...

But then they left. Him and his... I don't know what. But then, HE came back on his own. Said he'd dropped her off at her home. So I don't know. I'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess. I'm going up there like I usually do, so who knows.

My ex is being totally supportive. More so then usual. He keeps reminding me to eat, but he doesn't push. He asks me about going back to the nutritionist, but he doesn't nag. He looked worried and sad when he heard I still purge, but he wasn't cruel. He didn't tell me off, he was just concerned. He was worried. He cares about me and he's worried I'm doing permenant damage to myself.

He keeps coming over. More often then he used too. Twice last weekend. Twice this weekend. Sunday night we're going to dinner with some mutual friends. I love him so much. I know I need to let it happen, if it's going to happen. I need to get myself together. Prove my independence and not push it. I know we were meant to be together, but he needs to see that before It will work. I just need him to remember why he fell in love with me.

My weight is up and down like a friggen yo yo. It's down, it's up. Today it's up, so I've restricted. I've got my period, 8 fucking days early, so who knows.

I.NEED.TO.STOP.EATING.LIKE.A.FUCKING.PIG

NO MORE JUNK.

PERSONAL CHALLENGE TO MYSELF

One day without crap.

Meal plan for tomorrow:

chocolate milk for breakfast (no fat, low sugar - hopefully kill the cravings)

pineapple and fruit for lunch

If not out for dinner, piece of home made pie.

I know its more calories then I'd like, but I've been eating not a lot lately. What I have been eating is pure crap, so I figure If I stick to healthy, then gradually reduce, I won't further kill my already stuffed up metabolism.

Thank the Lord for my weekend off.