Yesterday, after a binge/purge session, I decided that a dinner of spinach and fruit, followed by laxatives was in order. Flush my system out so I could start again. Well, the laxatives took affect, after a night of cramping and dehydration, and I thought I'd be ok.
Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.
So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.
On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.
So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.
So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!
How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.
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