The weekends are oh so quick...

How is it Sunday already??? How did I miss the weekend??? Oh, that's right. I slept through most of it....

I did it. I spent the night with 'him'. He's been asking me for so long to stay over, and I did. I didn't sleep with him, though. I thought about it. Part of me wanted it, but not because I wanted to make love to a person I cared for, but because I miss sex. So I didn't. I couldn't use him like that. I care for him deeply and couldn't do that.

I slept on his couch. We stayed up till 3am talking, then I went to sleep. At 7.45pm, he walked over to me, gently pushed a piece of hair from my face, touched my shoulder and whispered in my ear that it was time to wake up. He made me tea and we talked for another hour till it was time for him to pick up his kids.

Oh. That's right. His children.

He has two kids. He's 49, turning 50 in January. He's almost 23 years older then me. How can this work again????? I might want kids. I'd literally have to have them with him NOW, if they were going to be able to grow up with their father seeing their 21st, seeing grandchildren etc....

He cares about me. He loves me. I've known this since I was 20 years old. He'd treat me like an angel. He's sweet, loving and he loves me. No-one's loved me for how long???

BUT

I like him, I don't love him. I want companionship, yes. But I'd be using him. We have nothing in common.... Other then his age, his children, his ex wife..... I'm a manager of a service station. He's a meat works contractor. I'm on my third uni degree, he never finished high school. I love the theatre, books, acting, singing, movies and the internet. He...... well, he likes going to the pub, he hates the driving to Adelaide, which is where I live, i'm not really sure if has hobbies or interests, or what they even are...

But he loves me. He hangs on my ever word. We can have great conversations about everything and anything and I can open up to him about my eating disorder and he doesn't judge, he just worries about me.

I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't think it can work, but I don't want to hurt him, so I'll see what happens. I'll see where it goes. If it gets uncomfortable, or anything else... I'll end it. I'll end it and I hope that he'll still be my friend.

I hate my body. I'm loosing weight and it still isn't enough. It needs to be more. No more bad foods. Start the treadmill again.

To all the girls on BDF, I love you all. EACH AND EVERYONE. I don't like to take sides and I don't often do, except when there are trolls or someone so obviously there to stir up drama and attention seeking conflict that I feel I have to comment.

I don't know who Meghan is or was, but i'm hoping she's gone now.

I love all my girls. I just wish we were all there as a social group, not there to vent about our life threating illnesses.