My ex and my 'not really ex, but sort of' as well as his son, in my lounge room. All of us. It was so.... not weird. We all have fun. We talked, we laughed, we caught up. They both had something in common. Me. They teased me and made fun of me, and it was so...... lovely. And watching my ex with my 'friends' son.... My god. He had such a look in his eye.. such a smile on his face... If what I dream of, what I hope, what in my heart I know doesn't happen, for whatever reason, I hope he has a son one day, with or without me. He thinks he won't. He thinks he can't. He doesn't think he's father material. But watching him... he'll make a great Dad. I just hope I get to be the child's mother.
After they left, it was just me and my ex. We had a perfect afternoon/evening, just like we always do. Talking, laughing, eating. He's the only one i'll eat in front of. The only one I want to eat in front of. He's the only one who makes me want to get well.
So, I made a huge decision. After being dead against it. After arguing with myself and my ex and my first psychologist over my need for it, I've decided that in 2008 I will seek medication for my depression. It's just too much for me now. The highs are great. They are yesterday. They are finishing work for the day or finding out that I can actually have the time off for my family show. But when something, anything, everything happens... the depression spike is just... unimaginable. It doesn't have to be much. Going to work. The weather. PMS. It just triggers it and I cry like my father died all over again. I shake. I don't want to live, I really don't and I'm terrified that one day I'll just decide that that's it. I won't live. Sitting here, not deliriously happy, but content, I know I want to live. I want to see myself get 'well'. Manage my eating disorder. Eat with people. Marry (hopefully my ex!) maybe even have children. I want to be happy in my job. Graduate from my current degree and finish the degree my father wanted me to. I'm not ready to face my Dad in Heaven and I think that if I did now, my father would be so sad. He wants me to live, I know he does. But If I don't get this medication.....
So, I will. I will find a psychologist who can help find the chemical balance I need.
I ate well today. Sure, I'm about to go on the treadmill for a while and do at least 200 sit ups, but hey, I ate. I ate almost three meals today...
I even found the inspiration start my major assignment for the my final subject of the year. A huge step.
Today was a good day.
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