For you, and only you.....

I ate. Just for you. No-one else. You said I should. You wanted me to. I did it. One small meal.
I won't tell you about the laxatives that follow. I won't tell you I missed my last treatment session because it got to hard. I'll just tell you I ate and watch you smile.

It's Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday. I will finish my Christmas shopping . I'll try to relax. Then, I will go up there and see..... the older man. My.... friend??? I still don't know what to call him. Every week is different. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I FINALLY FUCKING DID IT. The bloody marketing assignment is finished. My last assignment for the year. After I lost half the fucking thing because of a computer glitch, I re-did it and it's done. 22 pages. Was it any good? Who knows. I never do. I wanted to maintain my credit average, but I doubt I did. This course just got too hard. The work itself is fine, but between my work, my attempted treatment and my disorder, it just got too hard.

Next year will be worse. Next year scares me beyond belief.

He gave me the contacts, he organized the meetings. Now, I have two places to do work experience, something vital to me if I want to get anywhere. I'll need it to get a job.

But I also work full time. More then full time, really. I also study full time. I struggle to get through the days NOW. Next year, I'm going to be that busy..... But I have to do it. For HIM. So I can get the job I want. So I can have something to do that I actually ENJOY! I want to enjoy my job. I want a job I love. It is the only way. I will let him guide me. Help me. Keep me sane. He better.

I still don't know what's wrong with me. As I type, my hands ache. They tingle. They feel so weird. I don't know how to explain it. It really hurts. The veins are bulging out. I haven't been back to the doctor. I was supposed to. I also wanted to get a second opinion. Funny how life gets in the way. No time to worry about my health. Christmas is almost here and I work at a petrol station full of idiots.

4 days to go.....