I know, it's been almost 3 months......

It's true, life gets in the way of you living life.

I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.

University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.

I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.

I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.

He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.

My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.

I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.

My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.

I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?

Oh well.