I'm still purge free. 10 weeks. Should be proud but it's bloody hard. I've lost a huge part of my life and as well as being in a state of mourning, I've lost any ability to release pressure and stress. I've got nothing left.
My third Christmas in a job I despise is rapidly approaching, after I swore I wouldn't be there this time last year.
On a positive note, I was so proud that Obama won the race to the White House. Apart from supporting Democrat Policy, I know what it's like to be in a minority group and strive to be heard. I went through primary school and high school bullied because my family had no money, my Father was Chinese and I never fit in. I developed and eating disorder because I thought people would like me if I was thin and joined another minority group through that process as well. Black, white, yellow, male, female, whoever you are, you can achieve your dreams. THAT'S what Obama has told us.
I'm seeing a GP on Wednesday, with the intention to ask for anti depressants. I admit. I need them. Does this make me happy? NO FUCKING WAY. I've spent the last 5 years denying that I need them. The last five years telling myself I'm fine. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to be smiling and laughing one minute, then sobbing into my pillow for hours the next. That small, stupid things upset me and that I get angry over absolutely nothing. It's not okay. I admit it. It's not. It's not normal, it's not okay and my feeling like I want to take my own life isn't something I should just push past. I'm going to ask for a prescription. I will do it.
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I gave in too, I've been off and on the meds for years (diagnosed stress/anxiety disorder 1994, chronic depression 1995) and I keep trying to tell myself that they're bullshit and they won't do anything, but I'm a mess and I know it.
Do what needs to be done and don't ever consider yourself "crazy" its just one more minority label and you don't need it. Crazy is when you get knocked in the head and do something totally retarded. What you have is a chemical illness - your brain simply needs help to make the chemicals that keep it running smoothly, without a bit of a push you get swings, thats all, you are NOT f**ked up. You'll see.
Also - depending on what kind of meds you get - my friend was very sad and confused and she was a big girl. She started to feel less need to eat and the stuff she did eat was healthier and fresh - within six months on the meds she was at a healthy and safe weight and NOT crying all the time.
"Its better to light a single candle than to sit and curse the dark..."
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