It's been around 44 degrees (around 110) all week. We've broken all sorts of records, longest period of time over 40, hottest day for 70 years, hottest night on record. The idiot weather presents all go on and on about it like we're supposed to be happy! We're MELTING HERE!
My TM is back from leave and very happy with me. I'm getting great results on performance reviews and store reviews and since the store was run down and failing before I got there, she's telling me I should be proud and happy. I am, I guess, it's just the same old thing. I'm doing so well at a job I hate, but can't get the one I want.
G is still having problems with his girlfriend. This time, it's money. One minute he's being told they're broke, the next she's saying they should buy $100 concert tickets. He's getting pissed off and confused. As his counseling sessions get better, he's talking to her less. This is pissing her off, possibly because she fells he doesn't need her as much. What ever the reason is, he's pulling away from her. We're doing a lot more things together, though, which is making me really happy. I love him. I can't help it.
That's all. I'm feeling a little queezy, probably because of the heat.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
First post for 2009
20 weeks purge free! Woo woo!!!!
So what if I've moved to restricting, starving and other methods. My fingernails are no longer dented and warped, which means my potassium levels are going back to normal. If my disorder kills me now, at least it won't be because I purged myself to death.
I've had my first meeting with the the group I'm volunteering with. We're starting to prepare potential sponsors and fundraising ideas.
I've also been approached to find sponsors for an event a friend of my ex's is doing. We met to discuss ideas. Unfortunately, G's new girlfriend was there. Well, when I say 'new' I suppose I mean next. Or newest. I don't know. They've been together for over a year.
The interesting thing is, G seems to be having problems with her recently. He's been coming to me a lot lately with problems they're having. He feels she's dominating him. Always telling him what he should be doing/wearing/looking for in a job.
This week, he came to me upset, because she seems to be taking over his ideas and plans. Him and the friend of ours and myself, to a point, are looking to start a PR/event managment company. Himself and our friend are the instigators, but because I need the opportunities, experience and breaks, he wants me involved too. The problem is, is that everything they do or we do, his girlfriend is trying to hijack or be involved in. He went to her to tell her that our friend wants him to coordinate and give workshops on public speaking and she immediately told him that she's done public speaking and has her old notes. She didn't mention helping him research or assist in it, but implied that she could do it instead. Speaking my mind, I told him that the real reason was that she didn't trust him and wanted to be involved in everything he did because of it. Did he get mad? No. He agreed with me.
I told him that at our meeting, himself, me, our friend and his girlfriend, that I felt useless. That everything I was supposed to do, was taking over by her saying she could do it. He confessed that he felt the same way.
Troubles in paradise??
He also told me this week, that he's disappointed that she doesn't like to watch TV much. The two of us have always used DVD's and TV as an escape. A way to switch off for a while. But she doesn't share that view and it appears he's unhappy with that. I know I should be happy with that, and I'm not, really. I want to see him happy. I'm just glad, I suppose, to see that their 'perfect' relationship of shared everything and lots of money (hers) isn't short of flaws.
In other news, I STILL don't have the courage to ask out my sales rep friend. WHY???!!!!! AAARRRGGGGG!!!!
One of my employees wants to do it for me. Fuck it, maybe I'll let her!
I might be going on a housebout with R, his wife, my 'friend' and S. Should be.... interesting!
So what if I've moved to restricting, starving and other methods. My fingernails are no longer dented and warped, which means my potassium levels are going back to normal. If my disorder kills me now, at least it won't be because I purged myself to death.
I've had my first meeting with the the group I'm volunteering with. We're starting to prepare potential sponsors and fundraising ideas.
I've also been approached to find sponsors for an event a friend of my ex's is doing. We met to discuss ideas. Unfortunately, G's new girlfriend was there. Well, when I say 'new' I suppose I mean next. Or newest. I don't know. They've been together for over a year.
The interesting thing is, G seems to be having problems with her recently. He's been coming to me a lot lately with problems they're having. He feels she's dominating him. Always telling him what he should be doing/wearing/looking for in a job.
This week, he came to me upset, because she seems to be taking over his ideas and plans. Him and the friend of ours and myself, to a point, are looking to start a PR/event managment company. Himself and our friend are the instigators, but because I need the opportunities, experience and breaks, he wants me involved too. The problem is, is that everything they do or we do, his girlfriend is trying to hijack or be involved in. He went to her to tell her that our friend wants him to coordinate and give workshops on public speaking and she immediately told him that she's done public speaking and has her old notes. She didn't mention helping him research or assist in it, but implied that she could do it instead. Speaking my mind, I told him that the real reason was that she didn't trust him and wanted to be involved in everything he did because of it. Did he get mad? No. He agreed with me.
I told him that at our meeting, himself, me, our friend and his girlfriend, that I felt useless. That everything I was supposed to do, was taking over by her saying she could do it. He confessed that he felt the same way.
Troubles in paradise??
He also told me this week, that he's disappointed that she doesn't like to watch TV much. The two of us have always used DVD's and TV as an escape. A way to switch off for a while. But she doesn't share that view and it appears he's unhappy with that. I know I should be happy with that, and I'm not, really. I want to see him happy. I'm just glad, I suppose, to see that their 'perfect' relationship of shared everything and lots of money (hers) isn't short of flaws.
In other news, I STILL don't have the courage to ask out my sales rep friend. WHY???!!!!! AAARRRGGGGG!!!!
One of my employees wants to do it for me. Fuck it, maybe I'll let her!
I might be going on a housebout with R, his wife, my 'friend' and S. Should be.... interesting!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A recap of 2009.......
Start with the low points first.....
I'm still single. Yes, a lot of it's my fault. I refuse to get over my ex and I still feel we could make it work again one day. He was broken, then I was broken. Maybe if when we're both well, we can make it work. There is too much history, too much there, too many good times still happening. But I'm still alone. I'm going to bed every night alone and I will wake up to the first day of 2009 all alone.
I'm still in the same job. I hate it. I swore to myself last year that I wouldn't be in this job and I still am. FAIL.
My health isn't great. My eating disorder is manifesting itself in a lot of ways and I can't handle a lot of things - eating in public, eating in general sometimes. I've put on weight that I didn't want too, my depression got worse and I can't sleep about 75% of the time.
My finances are screwed. I've got people threating me left right and center. I've got creditors phoning me, writing to me, sending threats and solicitors letters. I don't know what I'm going to do, honestly.
*SIGH*
Positives.... I suppose I can find a few....
Yes, my eating disorder is manifesting itself in other ways - but I'm purge free for almost 18 weeks. That's the most I've managed since I developed bulimia.
I finally got health insurance. I might finally be able to get my teeth fixed in the New Year.
I've been promoted to Store Manager. Yes, I hate my job with a passion and prey for a new one - but hey, I'm bloody good at a job I hate!
I've landed a volunteer position with a theatrical web based company. I need it if I'm to get anywhere in the arts and it's a great step.
I'm still studying. I enjoy that, at least.
I've started to go to a support group for people with eating disorders. I never thought I'd be able to do that.
I'm finally receiving medical treatment for my depression. I never thought I'd be able to do that, either.
Resolutions for 2009
Control my weight. No, not eating disorder related, but by going to a natropath or something, to find out how to put my metabolism back in order. My years of starving, binging, purging, starving etc, it's no longer working. I eat semi normally and my weight goes up. It's not right.
Get out of my house. My depression has caused me to be shut inside myself a lot of the time. I go out to the pub once a week, then only when I'm with G. I need to get out before I loose myself in myself all together.
Get Arts experience anyway I can.
Keep studying and actually try and do better this time!
Get organised!!!! If I want to be busy, then I need NOT to forget what the hell I'm supposed to do!!!
Resolve myself with G. Get him to remember why he loved me. Grasping at straws, but I need to try.
Try and be happy.......
I'm still single. Yes, a lot of it's my fault. I refuse to get over my ex and I still feel we could make it work again one day. He was broken, then I was broken. Maybe if when we're both well, we can make it work. There is too much history, too much there, too many good times still happening. But I'm still alone. I'm going to bed every night alone and I will wake up to the first day of 2009 all alone.
I'm still in the same job. I hate it. I swore to myself last year that I wouldn't be in this job and I still am. FAIL.
My health isn't great. My eating disorder is manifesting itself in a lot of ways and I can't handle a lot of things - eating in public, eating in general sometimes. I've put on weight that I didn't want too, my depression got worse and I can't sleep about 75% of the time.
My finances are screwed. I've got people threating me left right and center. I've got creditors phoning me, writing to me, sending threats and solicitors letters. I don't know what I'm going to do, honestly.
*SIGH*
Positives.... I suppose I can find a few....
Yes, my eating disorder is manifesting itself in other ways - but I'm purge free for almost 18 weeks. That's the most I've managed since I developed bulimia.
I finally got health insurance. I might finally be able to get my teeth fixed in the New Year.
I've been promoted to Store Manager. Yes, I hate my job with a passion and prey for a new one - but hey, I'm bloody good at a job I hate!
I've landed a volunteer position with a theatrical web based company. I need it if I'm to get anywhere in the arts and it's a great step.
I'm still studying. I enjoy that, at least.
I've started to go to a support group for people with eating disorders. I never thought I'd be able to do that.
I'm finally receiving medical treatment for my depression. I never thought I'd be able to do that, either.
Resolutions for 2009
Control my weight. No, not eating disorder related, but by going to a natropath or something, to find out how to put my metabolism back in order. My years of starving, binging, purging, starving etc, it's no longer working. I eat semi normally and my weight goes up. It's not right.
Get out of my house. My depression has caused me to be shut inside myself a lot of the time. I go out to the pub once a week, then only when I'm with G. I need to get out before I loose myself in myself all together.
Get Arts experience anyway I can.
Keep studying and actually try and do better this time!
Get organised!!!! If I want to be busy, then I need NOT to forget what the hell I'm supposed to do!!!
Resolve myself with G. Get him to remember why he loved me. Grasping at straws, but I need to try.
Try and be happy.......
Friday, December 19, 2008
Bring on 2009
'Cause 2008 has really sucked arse.
I'm still stuck in a job I hate. I've go no money. My credit rating has been screwed.
Next year I will get organized and get HAPPY.
I'm not putting any other pressures on myself but that. No more promises. No more crappy resolutions. Just get my shit together and get a happy life.
I'm still stuck in a job I hate. I've go no money. My credit rating has been screwed.
Next year I will get organized and get HAPPY.
I'm not putting any other pressures on myself but that. No more promises. No more crappy resolutions. Just get my shit together and get a happy life.
Friday, December 5, 2008
14 weeks.....
That's how long it's been since I purged. Am I proud? HELL YES. Has it been hard? FUCK YEAH.
I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.
No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.
So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.
Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.
I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.
I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.
My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.
I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.
Bye for now.
I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.
No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.
So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.
Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.
I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.
I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.
My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.
I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.
Bye for now.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Somehow, I think I missed what happens next....
At 28 year old, I've had two serious relationships.
The first - if you could call it a relationship - was with my employer. He was married, but started a physical relationship with me at 19 years of age. The affair lasted 3 years. I loved him, but he didn't love me back - or so I thought. It turns out that the idea of being with someone 17 years younger then him scared him off. I was also his employee and he didn't want the 'town talking'. Just a few months ago, he says he regrets not trying harder.
My second relationship was with G. He was a friend of my brothers and we met after a show they did together. I mentioned to my brother that he seemed nice and the next thing I know my brother had set up a lunch with the three of us. After a day spent together, we'd exchanged details and 4 weeks later I'd moved in with him. 4 years and 4 months later, he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and that he hadn't for some time. 10 months after that, we each moved out. I still see him, but he has another girl friend.
4 months ago, a new sales rep came into my store. We got chatting and it became a regular occurrence that he'd come in and we'd spend most of the time talking to each other. He's funny, quite good looking and really interesting. I don't really know how much we have in common, but I do know that 2 years and 6 months after G broke my heart, I'm interested in someone else for the first time.
The thing is, some where along the lines, I missed what happens next. I never found out what you do after you realise you like someone.
As bad as this sounds, I've never had to fight or pursue someone. My first relationship was initiated by the guy and the second was one of those unique moments where you both fall for each other at exactly the same second.
I think this guy is interested in me. Other stores have told me that he only ever spends 15 or 20 minutes there, yet at my stores, it's always double that. Yesterday, we spent the better part of a hour talking to each other. He seems to try and time his runs to my store to be the last stop.
I just don't know what to do. After G, I'm terrified of being rejected again.
What happens next? What am I supposed to do???
The first - if you could call it a relationship - was with my employer. He was married, but started a physical relationship with me at 19 years of age. The affair lasted 3 years. I loved him, but he didn't love me back - or so I thought. It turns out that the idea of being with someone 17 years younger then him scared him off. I was also his employee and he didn't want the 'town talking'. Just a few months ago, he says he regrets not trying harder.
My second relationship was with G. He was a friend of my brothers and we met after a show they did together. I mentioned to my brother that he seemed nice and the next thing I know my brother had set up a lunch with the three of us. After a day spent together, we'd exchanged details and 4 weeks later I'd moved in with him. 4 years and 4 months later, he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and that he hadn't for some time. 10 months after that, we each moved out. I still see him, but he has another girl friend.
4 months ago, a new sales rep came into my store. We got chatting and it became a regular occurrence that he'd come in and we'd spend most of the time talking to each other. He's funny, quite good looking and really interesting. I don't really know how much we have in common, but I do know that 2 years and 6 months after G broke my heart, I'm interested in someone else for the first time.
The thing is, some where along the lines, I missed what happens next. I never found out what you do after you realise you like someone.
As bad as this sounds, I've never had to fight or pursue someone. My first relationship was initiated by the guy and the second was one of those unique moments where you both fall for each other at exactly the same second.
I think this guy is interested in me. Other stores have told me that he only ever spends 15 or 20 minutes there, yet at my stores, it's always double that. Yesterday, we spent the better part of a hour talking to each other. He seems to try and time his runs to my store to be the last stop.
I just don't know what to do. After G, I'm terrified of being rejected again.
What happens next? What am I supposed to do???
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Update
I'm still purge free. 10 weeks. Should be proud but it's bloody hard. I've lost a huge part of my life and as well as being in a state of mourning, I've lost any ability to release pressure and stress. I've got nothing left.
My third Christmas in a job I despise is rapidly approaching, after I swore I wouldn't be there this time last year.
On a positive note, I was so proud that Obama won the race to the White House. Apart from supporting Democrat Policy, I know what it's like to be in a minority group and strive to be heard. I went through primary school and high school bullied because my family had no money, my Father was Chinese and I never fit in. I developed and eating disorder because I thought people would like me if I was thin and joined another minority group through that process as well. Black, white, yellow, male, female, whoever you are, you can achieve your dreams. THAT'S what Obama has told us.
I'm seeing a GP on Wednesday, with the intention to ask for anti depressants. I admit. I need them. Does this make me happy? NO FUCKING WAY. I've spent the last 5 years denying that I need them. The last five years telling myself I'm fine. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to be smiling and laughing one minute, then sobbing into my pillow for hours the next. That small, stupid things upset me and that I get angry over absolutely nothing. It's not okay. I admit it. It's not. It's not normal, it's not okay and my feeling like I want to take my own life isn't something I should just push past. I'm going to ask for a prescription. I will do it.
My third Christmas in a job I despise is rapidly approaching, after I swore I wouldn't be there this time last year.
On a positive note, I was so proud that Obama won the race to the White House. Apart from supporting Democrat Policy, I know what it's like to be in a minority group and strive to be heard. I went through primary school and high school bullied because my family had no money, my Father was Chinese and I never fit in. I developed and eating disorder because I thought people would like me if I was thin and joined another minority group through that process as well. Black, white, yellow, male, female, whoever you are, you can achieve your dreams. THAT'S what Obama has told us.
I'm seeing a GP on Wednesday, with the intention to ask for anti depressants. I admit. I need them. Does this make me happy? NO FUCKING WAY. I've spent the last 5 years denying that I need them. The last five years telling myself I'm fine. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to be smiling and laughing one minute, then sobbing into my pillow for hours the next. That small, stupid things upset me and that I get angry over absolutely nothing. It's not okay. I admit it. It's not. It's not normal, it's not okay and my feeling like I want to take my own life isn't something I should just push past. I'm going to ask for a prescription. I will do it.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I HATE my job.
I'm a Store Manager. So FUCKING WHAT??? Yes, I have a job, yes I should be grateful I earn 'decent' money. Yes I should be grateful it's full time. WHY DOES THAT MEAN I CAN'T HATE IT? I get called into work at any bloody hour that staff feel like they don't want to work anymore. I get blamed for poor sales/performance, even thought the problem is NOBODY has money to buy things. It's apparently my fault that the weather is bad and blows things away, and that the last managers were fuckwits who ran the store into the ground with no idea or care in the world. I'm the one who has to make it right, in a job that I really didn't want in the first place, then I get told that the money i'm on and the fact that I have a job means that I don't really have the right to complain.
I'm watching my friends and relatives happily go on with their lives... get married, buy houses, get new phones, go out to the theatre, have friends over, find new partners.... where am I??? AT WORK. No one seems to understand that my job doesn't let me have a life. I had to give up full time study and go part time, because I missed the first 3 lectures of a course - because I had to work. If someone doesn't/can't go in, it's me that replaces them. We're 24 hours. Period.
My mother changed the time of her birthday party - to suit my sister. My sister has something on that night. When I mentioned that I probably couldn't go, due to the time, she said 'oh, well I've already changed it because your sister couldn't make it. Oh well'. My sisters fucking social life came over my employment. I work weekends, public holidays, Christmas day. Nights, whatever. I don't work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday like ever other person I know.
I hate it. I'm sick of being punished. I'm sick of being left behind. I want out. NOW.
I'm watching my friends and relatives happily go on with their lives... get married, buy houses, get new phones, go out to the theatre, have friends over, find new partners.... where am I??? AT WORK. No one seems to understand that my job doesn't let me have a life. I had to give up full time study and go part time, because I missed the first 3 lectures of a course - because I had to work. If someone doesn't/can't go in, it's me that replaces them. We're 24 hours. Period.
My mother changed the time of her birthday party - to suit my sister. My sister has something on that night. When I mentioned that I probably couldn't go, due to the time, she said 'oh, well I've already changed it because your sister couldn't make it. Oh well'. My sisters fucking social life came over my employment. I work weekends, public holidays, Christmas day. Nights, whatever. I don't work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday like ever other person I know.
I hate it. I'm sick of being punished. I'm sick of being left behind. I want out. NOW.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Another month..... and a BIG milestone.....
Tomorrow, I will be purge free for 1 whole month. It is the longest I've gone in over four years. I may actually be longer then that, I'm not really sure....
My last date of purging was on Thursday the 28th of August. Why did I stop? Lots of reasons, but my teeth were/are a big factor. I looked into the mirror on the Thursday and saw that my two front teeth are going grey and more translucent. They're wasting away. Aside from that, I was getting crippling stomach cramps, which I put down to something relating to my period or another reproductive system problem - but which went away when I stopped purging. Every time I ate, the food either started to come up on its own, because that's what my body thought it was supposed to do - or I would get more cramps and feel so bloated, that I purged just to stop it. It was a cruel cycle.
Now, I'm eating, sort of. I will admit to fasting. I will admit that I skip meals, see how long I can go without eating, limit my calories and exercise more, but as I keep telling myself, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Yes, my body still isn't happy with food inside it and I get bloated easily, feel sick sometimes just from eating and have other.... digestive issues, but I know I needed to stop. It was stop, or have my body stop.
In other news, I've been promoted at work. I am now a store manager. More responsibility, stress, hours and problems for $11 extra a week. I can't complain, it's what I wanted. It's what I wanted in THIS job, anyway.
I still want a new job. I keep looking, keep applying and NOTHING. It's starting to depress me more then anything else at the moment.
My sessions with the psychologist are going alright, I guess, but I'm avoiding him at the moment. It's a long way away to see him and it's draining to spend an hour and 15 minutes talking about my problems and finding only dead ends, rather then solutions. I know I have to go, but I need to have the energy to do it, otherwise it's pointless.
I'm still seeing my ex. I still want more from him, but for now, I'm happy for the laughter, stories and experiences we share. I want to make our time a enjoyable distraction from the time his spends stressing about his work and other things. Maybe he'll want something more, eventually.... I can only dream....
My studies are going well. I got a Distinction for one of my Masters classes and am still waiting for the other grade. The funny thing is, I'll actually complete the qualifications for my Masters, before I complete the ones for my Grad Dip. How silly is that!!! I'm actually starting to think about what to study next.....
Tomorrow, I start eight days in a row at work. All by myself. No assistant. Anything happens, there is only me to be contacted. It's going to be hellish, I can tell.
My last date of purging was on Thursday the 28th of August. Why did I stop? Lots of reasons, but my teeth were/are a big factor. I looked into the mirror on the Thursday and saw that my two front teeth are going grey and more translucent. They're wasting away. Aside from that, I was getting crippling stomach cramps, which I put down to something relating to my period or another reproductive system problem - but which went away when I stopped purging. Every time I ate, the food either started to come up on its own, because that's what my body thought it was supposed to do - or I would get more cramps and feel so bloated, that I purged just to stop it. It was a cruel cycle.
Now, I'm eating, sort of. I will admit to fasting. I will admit that I skip meals, see how long I can go without eating, limit my calories and exercise more, but as I keep telling myself, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Yes, my body still isn't happy with food inside it and I get bloated easily, feel sick sometimes just from eating and have other.... digestive issues, but I know I needed to stop. It was stop, or have my body stop.
In other news, I've been promoted at work. I am now a store manager. More responsibility, stress, hours and problems for $11 extra a week. I can't complain, it's what I wanted. It's what I wanted in THIS job, anyway.
I still want a new job. I keep looking, keep applying and NOTHING. It's starting to depress me more then anything else at the moment.
My sessions with the psychologist are going alright, I guess, but I'm avoiding him at the moment. It's a long way away to see him and it's draining to spend an hour and 15 minutes talking about my problems and finding only dead ends, rather then solutions. I know I have to go, but I need to have the energy to do it, otherwise it's pointless.
I'm still seeing my ex. I still want more from him, but for now, I'm happy for the laughter, stories and experiences we share. I want to make our time a enjoyable distraction from the time his spends stressing about his work and other things. Maybe he'll want something more, eventually.... I can only dream....
My studies are going well. I got a Distinction for one of my Masters classes and am still waiting for the other grade. The funny thing is, I'll actually complete the qualifications for my Masters, before I complete the ones for my Grad Dip. How silly is that!!! I'm actually starting to think about what to study next.....
Tomorrow, I start eight days in a row at work. All by myself. No assistant. Anything happens, there is only me to be contacted. It's going to be hellish, I can tell.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I know, it's been almost 3 months......
It's true, life gets in the way of you living life.
I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.
University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.
I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.
I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.
He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.
My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.
I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.
My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.
I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?
Oh well.
I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.
University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.
I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.
I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.
He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.
My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.
I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.
My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.
I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?
Oh well.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Wow.... It's been a month....
I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted last. This last month has flown by, sadly...
Only 9 days left of my holidays. I'm so disappointed with myself, I haven't gotten half of what I wanted to get done done. My house is still a mess, my photos are still unsorted, theatre stuff still in a pile and my tax stuff..... I'm going to get as much done as I can in the next few days. Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'm moving again at work. New store. I wish I could say new beginning, but the store isn't going to be great. More till work, less managment, exactly what I hate. No job opportunities out there, I'm not qualified and not experience. My ex keeps saying something will come up. Maybe, maybe not.
My ex has convinced me to put together a managment proposal for my old pub. I've been complaining about the staff running it, and he says that if I could do it better, I should put it in writing and try. Tell them what I think is going wrong, what I can bring to it and how much money they'll save by hiring me. It will also get me out of the current job that I hate so much. All I can do is try. As he said, the worst they can say is no.
As for my ex, he's still with her. He's seen me a lot during my holidays, which has been lovely. He says that when I go back to work, he'll still make time for me. It won't be the same amount as the last three weeks, but I'm happy he's still willing to see me. I know that in the past I've been demanding and made him feel bad for not spending more time with me. I'm beginning to realize that all that does is make him upset with me and reluctant to see me because I made him feel bad. How stupid could I be? By making him feel bad and pushing him away, all was doing was making him not want to see me. I'm trying to make him see what he used to see in me, so that he might fall in love with me again. That was never going to happen if he resented spending time with me because I made him feel guilty. I'm going to take the time he gives me and cherish it. Have fun with him. See where it might take us. The last few weeks have been wonderful and I've seen some of the old signs. The looks, the occasionally flirtatious comments. The other day, we were watching Sex and the City together and Big told Carrie that she wasn't worthless. She was worth a million. My ex told me that went double for me. That same day, he told me I had to go for an audition because I would be great. He gave me that same smile I remember so well.
I've already been out with him and his partner. It seemed important to him, so I went. When I asked why he wanted me to, he said that I was an important part of his life, and that he wanted me to be a part of his life outside my house. It didn't go so well, but I'm going to try again next month.
R came to see me last week. We slept together, on my bed, with his son in the next room. I had and still have mixed feelings. He's married. He has a child. We had a connection once, but I think that he now feels it more then me. It was just sex. I was nervous, but only because I hadn't done it in..... a long time. There was no excitement for me. Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex.
As for my friend, things have been fun. Sometimes I really think it would work between us. We have an amazing connection. I stayed at his place a few weeks ago and it was lovely. I'm seeing him this weekend, I hope. Outside the pub. It will be interesting! On a slightly sour note, he's noticed I've gained weight. Him and S were talking about how much healthier I looked outside of work. They said I'd even gained weight and looked healthy. When my friend joked that I'd be back to the way I was in two weeks, S said I'd better not be. I'm not sure what that meant. I know he has strong feelings for me now, but I'm not sure exactly what he'd do if my health went backwards again! Anyway, a little later on, my friend made a joke about me being fat now. I know he meant it as a joke. Earlier on, when he said I looked healthy and he said I'd put on weight, he emphasized that he thought I still looked good. None the less, the joke hurt. Every night since then, I've been on my tread mill.
The sad thing is, is that I don't want to be healthy. I don't want to look good. Healthy and good means fat. I can't be fat. I told my ex that I'd put on a kilogram and he was so proud of me. I hate that I want to work against him, but I hate that I've put on weight. I can't stand it. It has to go. I'm not weighing myself till Friday, the day I'm seeing my friend next. I hope I'll be less healthy by then.
If I'm healthy, no one will like me anymore. No one will love me.
Only 9 days left of my holidays. I'm so disappointed with myself, I haven't gotten half of what I wanted to get done done. My house is still a mess, my photos are still unsorted, theatre stuff still in a pile and my tax stuff..... I'm going to get as much done as I can in the next few days. Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'm moving again at work. New store. I wish I could say new beginning, but the store isn't going to be great. More till work, less managment, exactly what I hate. No job opportunities out there, I'm not qualified and not experience. My ex keeps saying something will come up. Maybe, maybe not.
My ex has convinced me to put together a managment proposal for my old pub. I've been complaining about the staff running it, and he says that if I could do it better, I should put it in writing and try. Tell them what I think is going wrong, what I can bring to it and how much money they'll save by hiring me. It will also get me out of the current job that I hate so much. All I can do is try. As he said, the worst they can say is no.
As for my ex, he's still with her. He's seen me a lot during my holidays, which has been lovely. He says that when I go back to work, he'll still make time for me. It won't be the same amount as the last three weeks, but I'm happy he's still willing to see me. I know that in the past I've been demanding and made him feel bad for not spending more time with me. I'm beginning to realize that all that does is make him upset with me and reluctant to see me because I made him feel bad. How stupid could I be? By making him feel bad and pushing him away, all was doing was making him not want to see me. I'm trying to make him see what he used to see in me, so that he might fall in love with me again. That was never going to happen if he resented spending time with me because I made him feel guilty. I'm going to take the time he gives me and cherish it. Have fun with him. See where it might take us. The last few weeks have been wonderful and I've seen some of the old signs. The looks, the occasionally flirtatious comments. The other day, we were watching Sex and the City together and Big told Carrie that she wasn't worthless. She was worth a million. My ex told me that went double for me. That same day, he told me I had to go for an audition because I would be great. He gave me that same smile I remember so well.
I've already been out with him and his partner. It seemed important to him, so I went. When I asked why he wanted me to, he said that I was an important part of his life, and that he wanted me to be a part of his life outside my house. It didn't go so well, but I'm going to try again next month.
R came to see me last week. We slept together, on my bed, with his son in the next room. I had and still have mixed feelings. He's married. He has a child. We had a connection once, but I think that he now feels it more then me. It was just sex. I was nervous, but only because I hadn't done it in..... a long time. There was no excitement for me. Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex.
As for my friend, things have been fun. Sometimes I really think it would work between us. We have an amazing connection. I stayed at his place a few weeks ago and it was lovely. I'm seeing him this weekend, I hope. Outside the pub. It will be interesting! On a slightly sour note, he's noticed I've gained weight. Him and S were talking about how much healthier I looked outside of work. They said I'd even gained weight and looked healthy. When my friend joked that I'd be back to the way I was in two weeks, S said I'd better not be. I'm not sure what that meant. I know he has strong feelings for me now, but I'm not sure exactly what he'd do if my health went backwards again! Anyway, a little later on, my friend made a joke about me being fat now. I know he meant it as a joke. Earlier on, when he said I looked healthy and he said I'd put on weight, he emphasized that he thought I still looked good. None the less, the joke hurt. Every night since then, I've been on my tread mill.
The sad thing is, is that I don't want to be healthy. I don't want to look good. Healthy and good means fat. I can't be fat. I told my ex that I'd put on a kilogram and he was so proud of me. I hate that I want to work against him, but I hate that I've put on weight. I can't stand it. It has to go. I'm not weighing myself till Friday, the day I'm seeing my friend next. I hope I'll be less healthy by then.
If I'm healthy, no one will like me anymore. No one will love me.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
I don’t understand......
I don’t understand what makes me unlovable, I don’t understand why I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t understand what I did wrong.
I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.
You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?
I don’t understand what went wrong.
Did it all mean nothing?
One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?
How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?
I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.
I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.
I just don’t understand what I did wrong.
I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.
You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?
I don’t understand what went wrong.
Did it all mean nothing?
One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?
How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?
I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.
I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.
I just don’t understand what I did wrong.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
It was bound to catch up with me, he says.......
I had more blood tests a little while ago. They're STILL trying to find out what's causing the tingling, swollen veins and weird feelings in my hands. I also had the nerve endings tested in my hands and feet. The nerve tests came out fine. My blood tests, not so much.
They showed low B12 levels. B12 is what helps run the central nervous system, brain function and energy levels. They also showed a low white cell count, which could mean my body is struggling to fight something more sinister and finally a high immune count, which could mean my body starts to fight healthy tissue and cells.
I've been given a prescription for B12 injections, once a month for three months. I also have a prescription for tablets to take between the injections. In three months time, I need to go back, have more blood tests and see my specialist again to see what's happening. If anythings improved, great, if not, more tests as something else could be going on.
I told my ex what happened at the doctors. His response? "it was bound to catch up with me". He told me that after 10 years of abusing my body, it was was bound to fuck up eventually. He's right. I know he's right. I just hate hearing it out loud.
Slowly, my body is reacting to years of bad nutrition, purging and exercising. I'm not giving my body what it needs to function. I pray to God that the artificial B12 I take helps. If not, apparently I need to take a serious look at my eating habits, apparently. The doctor knows I'm bulimic. He knows I've struggled with eating disorders for 10 years. I'm petrified that he means the next step is something more drastic.
I'm scared.
They showed low B12 levels. B12 is what helps run the central nervous system, brain function and energy levels. They also showed a low white cell count, which could mean my body is struggling to fight something more sinister and finally a high immune count, which could mean my body starts to fight healthy tissue and cells.
I've been given a prescription for B12 injections, once a month for three months. I also have a prescription for tablets to take between the injections. In three months time, I need to go back, have more blood tests and see my specialist again to see what's happening. If anythings improved, great, if not, more tests as something else could be going on.
I told my ex what happened at the doctors. His response? "it was bound to catch up with me". He told me that after 10 years of abusing my body, it was was bound to fuck up eventually. He's right. I know he's right. I just hate hearing it out loud.
Slowly, my body is reacting to years of bad nutrition, purging and exercising. I'm not giving my body what it needs to function. I pray to God that the artificial B12 I take helps. If not, apparently I need to take a serious look at my eating habits, apparently. The doctor knows I'm bulimic. He knows I've struggled with eating disorders for 10 years. I'm petrified that he means the next step is something more drastic.
I'm scared.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I didn't get it.
Not even an interview for the second job. And it looks like I'm being ignored by my own work. Not a word about the fact that I put my name forth for a managment role.
I really give up. I try so hard and get shot down every time. Next time I apply for a job, I'm docking my resume down to the bare minimum. No more info then necessary. I'm going to decided what I'm qualified. NOT BUREAUCRATIC IDIOTS.
On a different note, I was at the pub last night, and my friend invited me to go on a holiday with him! I'm betting that he was so pissed that he'll forget. I'm betting he doesn't remember the questions he asked me, either.
Why don't I have a boyfriend???
Because the first man I ever loved was happy to have sex with me for more then two years, but never wanted to have a relationship with me. He told me I was too young, then he marries someone only 3 years older then me.
The second guy I love promised me the world. We would marry, have kids and grow old together. 4 1/2 years later, he woke up one morning and told me it was over. He didn't love me and hadn't loved me for some time. He'd lied to me for goodness only knows how long. He broke my heart. I still love him. I still believe he's my sole mate. But he says he doesn't love me and is with someone else.
Gee. Two people I've loved who didn't love me back. I wonder why I've given up on the idea of finding someone else to love, who actually loves me back.
I really give up. I try so hard and get shot down every time. Next time I apply for a job, I'm docking my resume down to the bare minimum. No more info then necessary. I'm going to decided what I'm qualified. NOT BUREAUCRATIC IDIOTS.
On a different note, I was at the pub last night, and my friend invited me to go on a holiday with him! I'm betting that he was so pissed that he'll forget. I'm betting he doesn't remember the questions he asked me, either.
Why don't I have a boyfriend???
Because the first man I ever loved was happy to have sex with me for more then two years, but never wanted to have a relationship with me. He told me I was too young, then he marries someone only 3 years older then me.
The second guy I love promised me the world. We would marry, have kids and grow old together. 4 1/2 years later, he woke up one morning and told me it was over. He didn't love me and hadn't loved me for some time. He'd lied to me for goodness only knows how long. He broke my heart. I still love him. I still believe he's my sole mate. But he says he doesn't love me and is with someone else.
Gee. Two people I've loved who didn't love me back. I wonder why I've given up on the idea of finding someone else to love, who actually loves me back.
Monday, April 7, 2008
What the FUCK am I doing wrong????
Get experience, they say.
So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.
I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.
So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???
If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???
Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.
So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.
I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.
So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???
If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???
Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Eating disorder #1 - Me - #0
Well, the eating disorder won this week.
On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.
Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.
Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.
Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.
The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.
Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.
Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.
I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.
I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.
Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.
On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.
Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.
Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.
Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.
The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.
Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.
Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.
I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.
I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.
Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Bloody hell.... I can't control myself, can I?????
Yesterday, after a binge/purge session, I decided that a dinner of spinach and fruit, followed by laxatives was in order. Flush my system out so I could start again. Well, the laxatives took affect, after a night of cramping and dehydration, and I thought I'd be ok.
Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.
So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.
On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.
So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.
So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!
How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.
Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.
So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.
On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.
So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.
So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!
How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
As promised.....
This, I stole from Masq.....
Two Names You Go By:
Amie
Strayed
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
Black pants
Purple shirt dress
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
Love
Humor
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
Act (on the stage)
Spend time with friends
Two pets you had/have:
Allie - Domestic short hair
Dilly - I thought domestic, but now believe to be Maine Coon
Two Things You Want sooner rather than later.
To be loved
Financial stability
Two things you did last night:
Slept
Watched A LOT of TV
Two things you ate today:
McDonalds (Sometimes I hate my ex...)
Pumpkin soup (99% fat free)
Two people you Last Talked To:
In person:
My ex
Person who sold me my groceries
On the phone:
My ex
My boss
In my head or under my breath:
My sister
Masq!!!
Two Things You’re doing tomorrow:
Writing an email to my boss
Sorting out my Beanie Kids
Two longest car rides:
Adelaide to Melbourne
Adelaide to Sydney (Bus really, but still excruciating)
Two Favorite Drinks:
Peppermint tea
Creaming soda
I have a major work dilemma that's doing my head in. Put my name forth to be promoted to store manager, or keep my mouth shut and hope I get one of the two jobs I've applied for. If I put my name forth, then leave if I get one of my other jobs, I'm going to have made trouble with my boss, by showing interest and having her consider me, when I had not intention of taking the job. I'm also going to look like I'm.... double crossing... I don't know.
If I don't put my name forth, then miss out on my other jobs, I'm left in a position that I don't like. That I can't grow in and feel smothered by.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Two Names You Go By:
Amie
Strayed
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
Black pants
Purple shirt dress
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
Love
Humor
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
Act (on the stage)
Spend time with friends
Two pets you had/have:
Allie - Domestic short hair
Dilly - I thought domestic, but now believe to be Maine Coon
Two Things You Want sooner rather than later.
To be loved
Financial stability
Two things you did last night:
Slept
Watched A LOT of TV
Two things you ate today:
McDonalds (Sometimes I hate my ex...)
Pumpkin soup (99% fat free)
Two people you Last Talked To:
In person:
My ex
Person who sold me my groceries
On the phone:
My ex
My boss
In my head or under my breath:
My sister
Masq!!!
Two Things You’re doing tomorrow:
Writing an email to my boss
Sorting out my Beanie Kids
Two longest car rides:
Adelaide to Melbourne
Adelaide to Sydney (Bus really, but still excruciating)
Two Favorite Drinks:
Peppermint tea
Creaming soda
I have a major work dilemma that's doing my head in. Put my name forth to be promoted to store manager, or keep my mouth shut and hope I get one of the two jobs I've applied for. If I put my name forth, then leave if I get one of my other jobs, I'm going to have made trouble with my boss, by showing interest and having her consider me, when I had not intention of taking the job. I'm also going to look like I'm.... double crossing... I don't know.
If I don't put my name forth, then miss out on my other jobs, I'm left in a position that I don't like. That I can't grow in and feel smothered by.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Oh my.......what a weekend.....
My weekend away was...... I don't really know where to start...
The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.
Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.
Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.
The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.
He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.
But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.
The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!
I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.
On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.
So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.
The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.
Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.
Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.
The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.
He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.
But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.
The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!
I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.
On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.
So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Well, I'm off in an hour...
My weekend away with my friend and S, to see R. My week with N is over and I'm really sad about it. He's found another job, too. Moving away and everything.
My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.
This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!
My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.
This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)