If I hear those works again, so help me God......

If only you were ten years older.....

My friend used those words last night. I am so fucking sick of hearing it. Just when I think things might work between us, he says those words. I was ready to smack him across the head. He chased me. He's tried to kiss me, take me to his bed, have me stay over so many times, made innuendos, suggestions and everything else, then, when I finally think that maybe.... he drops it on me.

Next weekend, he's taking me away, apparently. It's gone from the three of us (my friend, myself and another friend, S), going away, to him taking me away. I think he realizes I've been stressed out with work and un-well and he's decided that it's his job to get me away from the weekend so I can relax. I do appreciate that, and I care for him deeply, but why did he have to say those works??

I can't stop thinking about my work mate, N. I just wish that things were different. I truly care about him... It just isn't fair.

I'm planning on working my arse off tomorrow and Tuesday. We have 2 store visitsI and as much as I really don't like my job, I sadly take pride in my work and want things to look good.

Yesterday, after the lovely day I spent with my ex, seeing a show, having lunch and visiting his brother, I actually went back to work to see N. It started out as some lame excuse to find out about an order, and ending in me staying for two hours. When he finished at the till and went out the back to the office, we were chatting and I shifted my purse and keys. He looked at me and asked if I was leaving. I asked why and did he want me to stay and he said yes. We talked, laughed... then went into a discussion about work, again. He understands me so well. He understands that even though I don't like my work, I still want to do well. He's the only one who can understand. We kept laughing, he smiled at me, not only with his face, but with his eyes. He kept touching my shoulders, my side, my hair, in that soft and gentle way...... *SIGH*

I want N to realize how hard I work and admire me for it.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

I finally find someone I could move on with.....

And he's leaving soon. He works for the same company as me. He's also an assistant manager and one of the most gentle, sweet, funny, and kindest men I've ever met. We get on so well. We always laugh together, smile and have so much fun when we work together. We can tease each other, then talk seriously within the same few minutes.

We would be so good together, I know it. And by the way he's started to touch me, smile at me and look at me, I think he might feel something too. The thing is, is that he's leaving soon, to move to another town with his girlfriend.

After 18 months of not even wanting to LOOK at another guy, I've founds someone I could actually start a relationship with, and he's attached. He's in a relationship and he's moving away.

And my ex is moving in with his girlfriend. After telling me he wouldn't, after promising he would be honest with me, I over heard a conversation and learned the truth. He was upset. He told me how much he was sorry and how he didn't want to loose me as a friend, but I just don' know any more. I love him so much and I don't know if I could imagine life without him being a part of it, but how do I trust someone who can't be honest with me? As I told him, it hurts when I hear he's moving on with his life, but I'd rather hear it from him and not someone else. I'm still determined to win him back, I just wish he'd at least be honest with me, so that our relationship could progress. He said he'd been a coward and didn't want to hurt me. I guess we'll just have to see how things go.

Last night was wonderful. Seeing the show. After we'd talked and I'd gotten upset and had time to calm down, we had a good night. Yesterday and today, seeing those educational shows was incredible. We shared a wonderful experience and I think it helped bring us a little closer. We'll see what happens, I guess. To feel so apart, then so close is just hard.

I was in tears last night, because I was so hurt to hear he was moving in with her. Then, this calmness fell over me, and I thought 'it will be ok. We'll be together eventually'. I don't know why this thought came to me, but the tears stopped and I was ok. Was it a message from my Dad? A reckless hoping? I don't know. It just felt so right. Like it's really going to happen. Only time will tell.

And it all falls apart.......

I thought I'd be Ok, I really did. I thought I could just look forward to everything good that's coming up. My trip away with my good friends. Seeing 5 shows with my ex. All the nice things he has planned for both his birthday and mine. Working with my favorite manager.

But I can't be happy. I can't look forward to anything. Friday week, it will be 1 year since my beautiful father left this earth. One year since I heard his laugh, saw his smile, felt his love. I still feel his love, I feel his presence, but I miss him so much it hurts me. He was the dearest man in my life and he's gone.

And I'm devastated. Why did he have to go? Why did his illness take him? Why did my Daddy leave me?

The one man I thought would understand, would be there for me, my ex who lost HIS father, has decided to keep his distance. Yes, I'm spending most of the weekend with him, but It's NOW that I need him and he's not here. He left me last night, when he could see I was upset. He wouldn't answer my messages tonight. Does he care?

I thought about it a lot last night. If I ended my life, who would care? Who would come? Could I see my Dad again??

The one and only thing that's kept me here? The thought that if I made it to Heaven, somehow, my dear Dad would take one look at me and cry. He would be so hurt and so sad that I ended my time on this earth that he fought so hard to stay on. He would be devastated.

I can't end it here not knowing how much it would hurt Daddy. I just wish that my ex could..... would...... I don't know. Prove that he is actually my friend. That he actually cares. Not ignore me. Not disregard me. Not leave me. He has no idea.

My kidney infection came back. I'm on an anti-biotic so strong that I feel worse then when I had the infection. Nausea, diarrhea, craps, dizziness, sweats. It really sucks. My uni is suffering. I have to get back into gear. I need my motivation. Maybe once the anniversary is over, I can begin my life again, but at the moment....... I just don't know.

Stuff it.

Why am I always there for people who are only there for me when it's convenient? I needed him today, but it was all about his work, how hectic he is and how he just doesn't have the time.

It was the same on Sunday. All about his problems, his life. It must be tough having a job you like. It must be hard having no bills. It must be tough having so many people, including your current girlfriend, love you? It mas be so HARD BEING YOU. Yet when I got upset, when I needed him, it all got too hard. My problems are never as important. My problems never matter.

At work, all I am is the person who does the job. Our store gets reviewed. The only reason we didn't fail was because of me. I organized the store. I change the labels, I implement the changes. I clean the store, I do the work. Yet you walk around behind our boss and take credit for every change that is made. You brag about your wages, how great you are at your job, yet I do your job! You come in and complain about your hard life, and I follow behind, your shadow who can do the job better in 6 months, then you ever could it 10 years.

Stuff you all. You want me? Prove it. Until then, I’m there for me and me alone.

Well, it's official....

My ex has another girlfriend. It's strange, though. I felt really sad and hurt for about a day, then this feeling of calmness washed over me. It's as though I KNOW it won't last long. He may not come rushing back to me right away, but I know it's going to happen. My feelings of love for him are so strong and he's making every effort possible to be with me, spend time with me and look after me. It's not just friendship. It's not just him being nice. It means something. We are drawn together. We have a bond and while his focus is elsewhere, he will eventually wake up and realize that we're not just friends and that he wants something more. He remembers why he loved me and why he planned on spending the rest of his life with me.

In the mean time, I saw my friend last Friday night. It was nice. Lovely and fun, even. He's taken to playing the 'I have a girlfriend' routine. It's funny. This older woman (much closer or even past his age) has seriously fallen for him.... she comes in around 9pm on a Friday night, puts his arms around him, makes him buy him drinks.... last Friday, I suspect she dragged him to her house for a while... maybe they had sex, who knows? But what happened after? He came back to me. Talked with me, smiled, joked about our past..... is she just a mask? A 'look, I have a girlfriend, so I can play around with this younger woman and it doesn't matter' kind of thing? I know he worries about his teenage daughters - hell, I do to. It's one of the reasons why I'm not sure a serious relationship would ever work between us. I know he also worries about the 'small town' mentality. Him dating a woman 23 years younger would definitely cause a stir. And hell, he's probably a horny bugger - he's a man, of course he wants sex. I'm not willing to give that to him - I'm not sure I ever would - so if he can get it, good on him! I only worry that he's using her. I've been used before and I don't like seeing it happen to someone else, no matter how I feel about the person.

But, who knows? We're planning a weekend to go away and see R. Another friend of ours, has told us he's coming regardless... not really sure how that's going to work..... maybe we should just plan it with out him! Cruel, I know, but I wouldn't mind some time away with just my friend... It might help sort out some feelings.....

Anyway, I have work in a hour. God I hate Mondays and Tuesdays. I'm stuck on the till and I HATE it. I became a manager so I wouldn't have to put up with that shit. Oh well.

A random post of thoughts.....

ARRRHGGGGG.....

Why does he lie??? Why does he call himself my friend, if he's going to lie to me?? I love him more then I love myself. More then I love life. Is he with her? Is he living with her? Is he too afraid to tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me or loose me?? I just want to know the truth. I keep seeing the signs that there's more, yet other times, he's distant... cold..... I don't get it. MEN!!!!!

I've lost weight. I'll check how much tomorrow. I can feel it. My pants are really loose and I know I've lost weight in my breasts. I can feel that, too. I can usually cup my hand over one and there be a little bit extra... now, one can fit in one hand easily with room to spare. My kidney infection has done it's job. I've lost weight. I just wish I didn't loose it in my chest!!!!! It SUCKS.

I really miss my friend. I haven't seen him for two weeks. I get to see him Friday night and I've got Saturday off, so I might stay for a bit longer and see what happens...If he offers a bed at his house..... the way I'm feeling now, I'd take it. He loves me. I need to be loved. I need to FEEL love. I still love my ex and my friend loves me. No, I don't love my friend, not like that, but at this point in time, I just want to be loved. Sad, but true.

I applied for two jobs last week. One is based where R lives. The other is in the city. The one near R would mean I could see him more, I'd earn great money, but I'd been almost alone. No family, no friend and no ex. If I get the one in town, it's hear my ex, but less money. Screw the money, I can't leave my ex. Not when I still feel that there's a chance.

On a completely different note, it's so amazing how you can be moved by TV. It doesn't matter how many times I watch The West Wing, it still moves me. The music, the words, the imagery, all enough to give me goosebumps..... I just love the show to death.

Hmmmm.... my cat has an eating disorder. She compulsively overeats, sometimes she throws up. Either way, she's on a diet. Only food twice a day and special diet food at that.

Oh well. 'So You Think You Can Dance' is on. I love that show. Dancing is good for weight loss.

Haven't updated in a while.....

So, we went to our movie. It was lovely. He was a gentleman. He wanted to ask me to dinner, but he either got too shy or realises I have food issues and didn't. He still talks and flirts with me. But when I rang him tonight, he was a little distant. He was VERY concerned about my health, though. When I mentioned I'd been sick these past few weeks, he was worried. He kept telling me to take care of myself. When I said i'd try, he said, 'no, you WILL'. But I can't promise anything. I don't know HOW to take care of myself any more, let alone deal with being sick.

I saw R on Wednesday and today. He's had his operation. We talked for a total of 5 1/2 hours, about a WHOLE lot of different things. My weight came up, but I dodged it. Mostly it was about my ex, my job, his job, his operation, the tv, the news, the American elections, everything. Before his wife came back, he said he really needed to spend time with me. Just me, where no one could interrupt and there was no risk of anyone walking in. He told me he wanted to talk to me about our past. See how much I remember. Believe me, I remember EVERYTHING. Every night, every moment, every time at his house, in the hotel, in the car, everything. There will not be a moment that he can remember, that I don't. Believe me, I've gone through them ALL at some point, remembering what might have been.

My ex has been so busy with work that it isn't funny. He didn't get the job and I am more relieved then I could ever express with words. One of the arts organsiations locally are going to try to get funding to hire him and I pray that that happens. It would be perfect for him. He would be happy and so would I.

He's moving back to his grandmothers next week. His whole family will be living under the same roof again. As I've told him, there is always a place here for him. To relax, unwind, talk and watch our DVD's. He seems to be keen on utilized this, so I will hopefully see more of him soon. Our time together lately has been a bit disorganized. A moment here and there, the odd evening. Last night we saw a movie, which was lovely. I miss it. He asked about my going to nutritionist. He's worried about my weight again. I lied and said I was going in a couple of weeks. The truth is, I've abandoned that idea. It wasn't working for me. I just love him too much to disappoint him.

I just wish it would happen. Him and me. I still believe it will.

So, my health hasn't been....... great. My binging and purging and use of laxatives and other bad behavior gave me another UTI, which has developed into a kidney infection. My back is aching and I feel nauseous. I actually had time off work, which is so rare for me. The sad part? All I'm hoping for is that my illness means I'm not eating less so I might loose more weight.

*SIGH*