Stuff it.

Why am I always there for people who are only there for me when it's convenient? I needed him today, but it was all about his work, how hectic he is and how he just doesn't have the time.

It was the same on Sunday. All about his problems, his life. It must be tough having a job you like. It must be hard having no bills. It must be tough having so many people, including your current girlfriend, love you? It mas be so HARD BEING YOU. Yet when I got upset, when I needed him, it all got too hard. My problems are never as important. My problems never matter.

At work, all I am is the person who does the job. Our store gets reviewed. The only reason we didn't fail was because of me. I organized the store. I change the labels, I implement the changes. I clean the store, I do the work. Yet you walk around behind our boss and take credit for every change that is made. You brag about your wages, how great you are at your job, yet I do your job! You come in and complain about your hard life, and I follow behind, your shadow who can do the job better in 6 months, then you ever could it 10 years.

Stuff you all. You want me? Prove it. Until then, I’m there for me and me alone.

Well, it's official....

My ex has another girlfriend. It's strange, though. I felt really sad and hurt for about a day, then this feeling of calmness washed over me. It's as though I KNOW it won't last long. He may not come rushing back to me right away, but I know it's going to happen. My feelings of love for him are so strong and he's making every effort possible to be with me, spend time with me and look after me. It's not just friendship. It's not just him being nice. It means something. We are drawn together. We have a bond and while his focus is elsewhere, he will eventually wake up and realize that we're not just friends and that he wants something more. He remembers why he loved me and why he planned on spending the rest of his life with me.

In the mean time, I saw my friend last Friday night. It was nice. Lovely and fun, even. He's taken to playing the 'I have a girlfriend' routine. It's funny. This older woman (much closer or even past his age) has seriously fallen for him.... she comes in around 9pm on a Friday night, puts his arms around him, makes him buy him drinks.... last Friday, I suspect she dragged him to her house for a while... maybe they had sex, who knows? But what happened after? He came back to me. Talked with me, smiled, joked about our past..... is she just a mask? A 'look, I have a girlfriend, so I can play around with this younger woman and it doesn't matter' kind of thing? I know he worries about his teenage daughters - hell, I do to. It's one of the reasons why I'm not sure a serious relationship would ever work between us. I know he also worries about the 'small town' mentality. Him dating a woman 23 years younger would definitely cause a stir. And hell, he's probably a horny bugger - he's a man, of course he wants sex. I'm not willing to give that to him - I'm not sure I ever would - so if he can get it, good on him! I only worry that he's using her. I've been used before and I don't like seeing it happen to someone else, no matter how I feel about the person.

But, who knows? We're planning a weekend to go away and see R. Another friend of ours, has told us he's coming regardless... not really sure how that's going to work..... maybe we should just plan it with out him! Cruel, I know, but I wouldn't mind some time away with just my friend... It might help sort out some feelings.....

Anyway, I have work in a hour. God I hate Mondays and Tuesdays. I'm stuck on the till and I HATE it. I became a manager so I wouldn't have to put up with that shit. Oh well.

A random post of thoughts.....

ARRRHGGGGG.....

Why does he lie??? Why does he call himself my friend, if he's going to lie to me?? I love him more then I love myself. More then I love life. Is he with her? Is he living with her? Is he too afraid to tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me or loose me?? I just want to know the truth. I keep seeing the signs that there's more, yet other times, he's distant... cold..... I don't get it. MEN!!!!!

I've lost weight. I'll check how much tomorrow. I can feel it. My pants are really loose and I know I've lost weight in my breasts. I can feel that, too. I can usually cup my hand over one and there be a little bit extra... now, one can fit in one hand easily with room to spare. My kidney infection has done it's job. I've lost weight. I just wish I didn't loose it in my chest!!!!! It SUCKS.

I really miss my friend. I haven't seen him for two weeks. I get to see him Friday night and I've got Saturday off, so I might stay for a bit longer and see what happens...If he offers a bed at his house..... the way I'm feeling now, I'd take it. He loves me. I need to be loved. I need to FEEL love. I still love my ex and my friend loves me. No, I don't love my friend, not like that, but at this point in time, I just want to be loved. Sad, but true.

I applied for two jobs last week. One is based where R lives. The other is in the city. The one near R would mean I could see him more, I'd earn great money, but I'd been almost alone. No family, no friend and no ex. If I get the one in town, it's hear my ex, but less money. Screw the money, I can't leave my ex. Not when I still feel that there's a chance.

On a completely different note, it's so amazing how you can be moved by TV. It doesn't matter how many times I watch The West Wing, it still moves me. The music, the words, the imagery, all enough to give me goosebumps..... I just love the show to death.

Hmmmm.... my cat has an eating disorder. She compulsively overeats, sometimes she throws up. Either way, she's on a diet. Only food twice a day and special diet food at that.

Oh well. 'So You Think You Can Dance' is on. I love that show. Dancing is good for weight loss.

Haven't updated in a while.....

So, we went to our movie. It was lovely. He was a gentleman. He wanted to ask me to dinner, but he either got too shy or realises I have food issues and didn't. He still talks and flirts with me. But when I rang him tonight, he was a little distant. He was VERY concerned about my health, though. When I mentioned I'd been sick these past few weeks, he was worried. He kept telling me to take care of myself. When I said i'd try, he said, 'no, you WILL'. But I can't promise anything. I don't know HOW to take care of myself any more, let alone deal with being sick.

I saw R on Wednesday and today. He's had his operation. We talked for a total of 5 1/2 hours, about a WHOLE lot of different things. My weight came up, but I dodged it. Mostly it was about my ex, my job, his job, his operation, the tv, the news, the American elections, everything. Before his wife came back, he said he really needed to spend time with me. Just me, where no one could interrupt and there was no risk of anyone walking in. He told me he wanted to talk to me about our past. See how much I remember. Believe me, I remember EVERYTHING. Every night, every moment, every time at his house, in the hotel, in the car, everything. There will not be a moment that he can remember, that I don't. Believe me, I've gone through them ALL at some point, remembering what might have been.

My ex has been so busy with work that it isn't funny. He didn't get the job and I am more relieved then I could ever express with words. One of the arts organsiations locally are going to try to get funding to hire him and I pray that that happens. It would be perfect for him. He would be happy and so would I.

He's moving back to his grandmothers next week. His whole family will be living under the same roof again. As I've told him, there is always a place here for him. To relax, unwind, talk and watch our DVD's. He seems to be keen on utilized this, so I will hopefully see more of him soon. Our time together lately has been a bit disorganized. A moment here and there, the odd evening. Last night we saw a movie, which was lovely. I miss it. He asked about my going to nutritionist. He's worried about my weight again. I lied and said I was going in a couple of weeks. The truth is, I've abandoned that idea. It wasn't working for me. I just love him too much to disappoint him.

I just wish it would happen. Him and me. I still believe it will.

So, my health hasn't been....... great. My binging and purging and use of laxatives and other bad behavior gave me another UTI, which has developed into a kidney infection. My back is aching and I feel nauseous. I actually had time off work, which is so rare for me. The sad part? All I'm hoping for is that my illness means I'm not eating less so I might loose more weight.

*SIGH*

Well, he FINALLY called!

Took him long enough!! Tomorrow night, we're seeing a movie together. We may have dinner after. I'm going to the pub after that, I assume he'll be there too. I was so happy when he called. I really thought he wasn't going to.

What made it interesting was that my ex was in the car with me. He went all quite after the call. I think he wanted to ask me questions about my relationship with this guy, but he didn't. Whether he thought it wasn't his business or just didn't have the courage to ask, because of course he doesn't love me, I don't know. I know it wasn't because he didn't care, though. He did. I could feel it.

It's really funny, I know His ex wants him back. The last time I mentioned his name, he snapped at me about her. He said something about she got mad and stopped talking to him. Honestly, with out acting like crazy jealous girl, she is so full of her self. She always saw herself as the best thing on two legs. She thought she was so beautiful and funny and wonderful that there's no room for anyone else when she's around. Why he was attracted to her, I'm not sure. He said they had fun together. Fun and intimacy is great, don't get me wrong, but if that's all you have, what happens when the lights aren't out and the laughter stops? If you have nothing in common, no common interests, goals, hopes, dreams, what possible chance have you got for a relationship? Her ego was just too strong for him. She pushed himself so far into him that there was no room left for him or his wants. She kept telling him that she loved him and cared for him, yet she was a bully. It was her way or she sulked and abused him. I know she wants him back, who wouldn't want him? I know she calls him and I know she still texts him. I see him read messages or look at the screen when she calls and I'm around. She's pushing so hard and pushing her apparently wonderful attributes at him and I know he'll push her back so hard that she'll loose him altogether. I just hope it happens soon, so I can try to move on with him. Yes, our intimacy died out, but laughter, common interests and everything else is there. I truly believe intimacy can grow, as can his attraction in me. It just needs time.

In the mean time, I'm going out with my friend. Who knows why, but I love having someone around who loves and adores me. I pray that one day it will be HIM that adores me and I really believe that someday it will, but for now, my friend will do. I care about him and it's fun.

My body is plotting against me.

It just doesn't want to work properly. I have aches and pains in places I didn't think were possible. I get weird chest pains and although I doubt their heart related, I think there's a problem with my breathing.

I'm so tired all the time. I tried sleeping more, I tried sleeping less. Bottom line: I'M TIRED. No amount of sleep rests me.

My stomach is a constant mess of churning, bubbling and groaning. I know it's because I'm purging again. I know it's because the little food I eat is mixed with a combination of laxatives and fiber so it's always moving and mixing. I just hate it. I'm constantly uncomfortable.

In other news, my friend hasn't called AGAIN. After promising he'd call me, he hasn't. On Friday, he apologized and said he would, but he HASN'T. I know he was worried about me. Half way through the night, I got an intense headache that wouldn't go away. I know that the alcohol and little food didn't help, but it was really painful. I apparently went quite and distant, but all I really remember is the pain.

My ex came over twice on the weekend. I didn't think he would, but he did. Saturday was always going to be our day together, but I invited him last night on whim. I didn't think he would, but he did. It was lovely and wonderful. We are spending more and more time together. Now if only he'd miss out on this job and find one closer to home.

He can't leave me again.......

My heart's going to break if he does. He's no longer my lover. He's no longer my partner. I no longer see him every day. Wake up next to him, spend days with him. He can't leave me.
He can't get this job. He can't move thousands of kilometers away. He just can't.

I want the best for him. I want him to be happy. But to pack up and leave for the first job he might get? I can't loose someone else in my life. Not when he's the glue that's been holding me together.

Please don't go, sweetie? I love you, Bubby. Please don't leave me.