Eating disorder #1 - Me - #0

Well, the eating disorder won this week.

On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.

Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.

Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.

Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.

The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.

Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.

Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.

I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.

I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.

Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.