It's true, life gets in the way of you living life.
I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.
University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.
I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.
I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.
He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.
My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.
I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.
My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.
I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?
Oh well.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Wow.... It's been a month....
I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted last. This last month has flown by, sadly...
Only 9 days left of my holidays. I'm so disappointed with myself, I haven't gotten half of what I wanted to get done done. My house is still a mess, my photos are still unsorted, theatre stuff still in a pile and my tax stuff..... I'm going to get as much done as I can in the next few days. Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'm moving again at work. New store. I wish I could say new beginning, but the store isn't going to be great. More till work, less managment, exactly what I hate. No job opportunities out there, I'm not qualified and not experience. My ex keeps saying something will come up. Maybe, maybe not.
My ex has convinced me to put together a managment proposal for my old pub. I've been complaining about the staff running it, and he says that if I could do it better, I should put it in writing and try. Tell them what I think is going wrong, what I can bring to it and how much money they'll save by hiring me. It will also get me out of the current job that I hate so much. All I can do is try. As he said, the worst they can say is no.
As for my ex, he's still with her. He's seen me a lot during my holidays, which has been lovely. He says that when I go back to work, he'll still make time for me. It won't be the same amount as the last three weeks, but I'm happy he's still willing to see me. I know that in the past I've been demanding and made him feel bad for not spending more time with me. I'm beginning to realize that all that does is make him upset with me and reluctant to see me because I made him feel bad. How stupid could I be? By making him feel bad and pushing him away, all was doing was making him not want to see me. I'm trying to make him see what he used to see in me, so that he might fall in love with me again. That was never going to happen if he resented spending time with me because I made him feel guilty. I'm going to take the time he gives me and cherish it. Have fun with him. See where it might take us. The last few weeks have been wonderful and I've seen some of the old signs. The looks, the occasionally flirtatious comments. The other day, we were watching Sex and the City together and Big told Carrie that she wasn't worthless. She was worth a million. My ex told me that went double for me. That same day, he told me I had to go for an audition because I would be great. He gave me that same smile I remember so well.
I've already been out with him and his partner. It seemed important to him, so I went. When I asked why he wanted me to, he said that I was an important part of his life, and that he wanted me to be a part of his life outside my house. It didn't go so well, but I'm going to try again next month.
R came to see me last week. We slept together, on my bed, with his son in the next room. I had and still have mixed feelings. He's married. He has a child. We had a connection once, but I think that he now feels it more then me. It was just sex. I was nervous, but only because I hadn't done it in..... a long time. There was no excitement for me. Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex.
As for my friend, things have been fun. Sometimes I really think it would work between us. We have an amazing connection. I stayed at his place a few weeks ago and it was lovely. I'm seeing him this weekend, I hope. Outside the pub. It will be interesting! On a slightly sour note, he's noticed I've gained weight. Him and S were talking about how much healthier I looked outside of work. They said I'd even gained weight and looked healthy. When my friend joked that I'd be back to the way I was in two weeks, S said I'd better not be. I'm not sure what that meant. I know he has strong feelings for me now, but I'm not sure exactly what he'd do if my health went backwards again! Anyway, a little later on, my friend made a joke about me being fat now. I know he meant it as a joke. Earlier on, when he said I looked healthy and he said I'd put on weight, he emphasized that he thought I still looked good. None the less, the joke hurt. Every night since then, I've been on my tread mill.
The sad thing is, is that I don't want to be healthy. I don't want to look good. Healthy and good means fat. I can't be fat. I told my ex that I'd put on a kilogram and he was so proud of me. I hate that I want to work against him, but I hate that I've put on weight. I can't stand it. It has to go. I'm not weighing myself till Friday, the day I'm seeing my friend next. I hope I'll be less healthy by then.
If I'm healthy, no one will like me anymore. No one will love me.
Only 9 days left of my holidays. I'm so disappointed with myself, I haven't gotten half of what I wanted to get done done. My house is still a mess, my photos are still unsorted, theatre stuff still in a pile and my tax stuff..... I'm going to get as much done as I can in the next few days. Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'm moving again at work. New store. I wish I could say new beginning, but the store isn't going to be great. More till work, less managment, exactly what I hate. No job opportunities out there, I'm not qualified and not experience. My ex keeps saying something will come up. Maybe, maybe not.
My ex has convinced me to put together a managment proposal for my old pub. I've been complaining about the staff running it, and he says that if I could do it better, I should put it in writing and try. Tell them what I think is going wrong, what I can bring to it and how much money they'll save by hiring me. It will also get me out of the current job that I hate so much. All I can do is try. As he said, the worst they can say is no.
As for my ex, he's still with her. He's seen me a lot during my holidays, which has been lovely. He says that when I go back to work, he'll still make time for me. It won't be the same amount as the last three weeks, but I'm happy he's still willing to see me. I know that in the past I've been demanding and made him feel bad for not spending more time with me. I'm beginning to realize that all that does is make him upset with me and reluctant to see me because I made him feel bad. How stupid could I be? By making him feel bad and pushing him away, all was doing was making him not want to see me. I'm trying to make him see what he used to see in me, so that he might fall in love with me again. That was never going to happen if he resented spending time with me because I made him feel guilty. I'm going to take the time he gives me and cherish it. Have fun with him. See where it might take us. The last few weeks have been wonderful and I've seen some of the old signs. The looks, the occasionally flirtatious comments. The other day, we were watching Sex and the City together and Big told Carrie that she wasn't worthless. She was worth a million. My ex told me that went double for me. That same day, he told me I had to go for an audition because I would be great. He gave me that same smile I remember so well.
I've already been out with him and his partner. It seemed important to him, so I went. When I asked why he wanted me to, he said that I was an important part of his life, and that he wanted me to be a part of his life outside my house. It didn't go so well, but I'm going to try again next month.
R came to see me last week. We slept together, on my bed, with his son in the next room. I had and still have mixed feelings. He's married. He has a child. We had a connection once, but I think that he now feels it more then me. It was just sex. I was nervous, but only because I hadn't done it in..... a long time. There was no excitement for me. Maybe because I'm still in love with my ex.
As for my friend, things have been fun. Sometimes I really think it would work between us. We have an amazing connection. I stayed at his place a few weeks ago and it was lovely. I'm seeing him this weekend, I hope. Outside the pub. It will be interesting! On a slightly sour note, he's noticed I've gained weight. Him and S were talking about how much healthier I looked outside of work. They said I'd even gained weight and looked healthy. When my friend joked that I'd be back to the way I was in two weeks, S said I'd better not be. I'm not sure what that meant. I know he has strong feelings for me now, but I'm not sure exactly what he'd do if my health went backwards again! Anyway, a little later on, my friend made a joke about me being fat now. I know he meant it as a joke. Earlier on, when he said I looked healthy and he said I'd put on weight, he emphasized that he thought I still looked good. None the less, the joke hurt. Every night since then, I've been on my tread mill.
The sad thing is, is that I don't want to be healthy. I don't want to look good. Healthy and good means fat. I can't be fat. I told my ex that I'd put on a kilogram and he was so proud of me. I hate that I want to work against him, but I hate that I've put on weight. I can't stand it. It has to go. I'm not weighing myself till Friday, the day I'm seeing my friend next. I hope I'll be less healthy by then.
If I'm healthy, no one will like me anymore. No one will love me.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
I don’t understand......
I don’t understand what makes me unlovable, I don’t understand why I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t understand what I did wrong.
I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.
You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?
I don’t understand what went wrong.
Did it all mean nothing?
One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?
How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?
I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.
I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.
I just don’t understand what I did wrong.
I don’t understand why I deserve to have my heart broken when I’ve only given it out twice. The first man at least had the decency to tell me he only loved me for my body, but the second willingly took it. 4 ½ years of saying he loved me, 4 ½ years of asking me not to leave him, 4 ½ years of saying we’d spend our lives together, have children together and grow old together. For 4 ½ years I believed ever word, every dream, every kiss.
You convinced me. You convinced me that you loved me. You convinced me that our lives would be together, you convinced me of it all. 3 marriage proposals, three lies. 3 times, you said that you’d marry me, once said after I found out about my Dad’s illness. You promised me we’d get married so my father could walk me down the aisle. We never did. My Dad died knowing that the only man I ever loved didn’t love me back.
Did you ever mean any of it? I was I ever your angel? Was I ever your love, was I ever your partner? Did you ever intend to make any of your promises come true?
I don’t understand what went wrong.
Did it all mean nothing?
One day I wake up next to you and you tell me you don’t love me. You tell me you hadn’t for some time. Why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t you tell me it was coming? Why didn’t you give us a chance to make it right together? Did it really mean that little to you?
How could you start another relationship weeks after ending a 4 ½ year one? Did it really mean that little that it only took weeks?
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have believed it for so long? How could you keep asking me not to leave you, and then leave me yourself?
I still love you so much that I ache. I love that your still in my life, but I hate that you’re not mine.
I don’t know why I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t know what I did wrong.
I just don’t understand what I did wrong.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
It was bound to catch up with me, he says.......
I had more blood tests a little while ago. They're STILL trying to find out what's causing the tingling, swollen veins and weird feelings in my hands. I also had the nerve endings tested in my hands and feet. The nerve tests came out fine. My blood tests, not so much.
They showed low B12 levels. B12 is what helps run the central nervous system, brain function and energy levels. They also showed a low white cell count, which could mean my body is struggling to fight something more sinister and finally a high immune count, which could mean my body starts to fight healthy tissue and cells.
I've been given a prescription for B12 injections, once a month for three months. I also have a prescription for tablets to take between the injections. In three months time, I need to go back, have more blood tests and see my specialist again to see what's happening. If anythings improved, great, if not, more tests as something else could be going on.
I told my ex what happened at the doctors. His response? "it was bound to catch up with me". He told me that after 10 years of abusing my body, it was was bound to fuck up eventually. He's right. I know he's right. I just hate hearing it out loud.
Slowly, my body is reacting to years of bad nutrition, purging and exercising. I'm not giving my body what it needs to function. I pray to God that the artificial B12 I take helps. If not, apparently I need to take a serious look at my eating habits, apparently. The doctor knows I'm bulimic. He knows I've struggled with eating disorders for 10 years. I'm petrified that he means the next step is something more drastic.
I'm scared.
They showed low B12 levels. B12 is what helps run the central nervous system, brain function and energy levels. They also showed a low white cell count, which could mean my body is struggling to fight something more sinister and finally a high immune count, which could mean my body starts to fight healthy tissue and cells.
I've been given a prescription for B12 injections, once a month for three months. I also have a prescription for tablets to take between the injections. In three months time, I need to go back, have more blood tests and see my specialist again to see what's happening. If anythings improved, great, if not, more tests as something else could be going on.
I told my ex what happened at the doctors. His response? "it was bound to catch up with me". He told me that after 10 years of abusing my body, it was was bound to fuck up eventually. He's right. I know he's right. I just hate hearing it out loud.
Slowly, my body is reacting to years of bad nutrition, purging and exercising. I'm not giving my body what it needs to function. I pray to God that the artificial B12 I take helps. If not, apparently I need to take a serious look at my eating habits, apparently. The doctor knows I'm bulimic. He knows I've struggled with eating disorders for 10 years. I'm petrified that he means the next step is something more drastic.
I'm scared.
Friday, April 11, 2008
I didn't get it.
Not even an interview for the second job. And it looks like I'm being ignored by my own work. Not a word about the fact that I put my name forth for a managment role.
I really give up. I try so hard and get shot down every time. Next time I apply for a job, I'm docking my resume down to the bare minimum. No more info then necessary. I'm going to decided what I'm qualified. NOT BUREAUCRATIC IDIOTS.
On a different note, I was at the pub last night, and my friend invited me to go on a holiday with him! I'm betting that he was so pissed that he'll forget. I'm betting he doesn't remember the questions he asked me, either.
Why don't I have a boyfriend???
Because the first man I ever loved was happy to have sex with me for more then two years, but never wanted to have a relationship with me. He told me I was too young, then he marries someone only 3 years older then me.
The second guy I love promised me the world. We would marry, have kids and grow old together. 4 1/2 years later, he woke up one morning and told me it was over. He didn't love me and hadn't loved me for some time. He'd lied to me for goodness only knows how long. He broke my heart. I still love him. I still believe he's my sole mate. But he says he doesn't love me and is with someone else.
Gee. Two people I've loved who didn't love me back. I wonder why I've given up on the idea of finding someone else to love, who actually loves me back.
I really give up. I try so hard and get shot down every time. Next time I apply for a job, I'm docking my resume down to the bare minimum. No more info then necessary. I'm going to decided what I'm qualified. NOT BUREAUCRATIC IDIOTS.
On a different note, I was at the pub last night, and my friend invited me to go on a holiday with him! I'm betting that he was so pissed that he'll forget. I'm betting he doesn't remember the questions he asked me, either.
Why don't I have a boyfriend???
Because the first man I ever loved was happy to have sex with me for more then two years, but never wanted to have a relationship with me. He told me I was too young, then he marries someone only 3 years older then me.
The second guy I love promised me the world. We would marry, have kids and grow old together. 4 1/2 years later, he woke up one morning and told me it was over. He didn't love me and hadn't loved me for some time. He'd lied to me for goodness only knows how long. He broke my heart. I still love him. I still believe he's my sole mate. But he says he doesn't love me and is with someone else.
Gee. Two people I've loved who didn't love me back. I wonder why I've given up on the idea of finding someone else to love, who actually loves me back.
Monday, April 7, 2008
What the FUCK am I doing wrong????
Get experience, they say.
So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.
I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.
So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???
If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???
Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.
So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.
I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.
So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???
If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???
Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Eating disorder #1 - Me - #0
Well, the eating disorder won this week.
On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.
Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.
Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.
Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.
The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.
Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.
Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.
I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.
I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.
Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.
On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.
Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.
Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.
Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.
The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.
Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.
Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.
I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.
I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.
Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.
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