First post of 2008

Well, the year started out a night mare.

I found out that I failed my marketing course. Without it, I could fail my degree. After all the hard work and my ex helping me with the course, I fucking failed. However, my course coordinator has told me if I finish the work (done now) I might be able to pass.

My work continues to suck big time. My boss keeps pushing me about things I've done wrong, but does she ever admit that half the time SHE has no idea?!! Of course not. I'm wrong, she's right. In her mind, any way. But I'm being transfered next week. New store. Probably means no more weekends off, but hell, it's got to be better then the bull shit I'm dealing with now.

My 'friend' continues to baffle me. He seems interested, then he's with another woman. He phones me, but seems distant when I phone him. I've decided to let it run it's course, but if I keep getting mixed signals, I'll just leave the whole thing alone. Last Friday I had an amazing night with the 'old gang'. We were all there. We talked and caught up till 2.30am. R is going into hospital on the 4th, so he was telling me how bored he's going to be. He wants me to visit him while he's there and he wants to 'talk'. He's been mentioning that he really wants us to be alone and talk about the past and goodness only knows what else. He says I'll be surprised at what he remembers.... yes, we were 'together' for four years and if he honestly thinks that I've forgotten one single moment, one single time, one single night on the floor, in his bed, on the desk, in the cool room, on the bar...... I remember it all. He was my first. Yes, there was, and still is a 19 year age difference, but that doesn't stop how I felt then..... I still feel it now.

The memories came flooding back last Friday. With the old gang there... and R didn't leave my side. There were so many people who wanted to talk to him, catch up with him. He hadn't seen most of them for almost 5 years. He's seen me twice in the last month, yet I was the one he wanted to sit next too, talk to, tease, laugh with... it just brought all the old feelings back. He's married now, he has a gorgeous son.... but it doesn't stop how I feel. And he was the one who made the choice to sit next to me.

And then there was HIM. My friend. Sitting on the other side of the room. Looking at me. Smiling at me. But then , his.... I don't know what... came in, put her arm around him, grabbed him, and he let her. He didn't seem to mind. Yes, he looked a little annoyed sometimes, but he didn't try to stop it. And R teased me. Told me he thought I was jealous... but maybe I was... He's given me every impression that he wants to be with me and just when I start to think that maybe.. he's with someone else! And R thinks that age shouldn't be a problem, but then how old is he again...

But then they left. Him and his... I don't know what. But then, HE came back on his own. Said he'd dropped her off at her home. So I don't know. I'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess. I'm going up there like I usually do, so who knows.

My ex is being totally supportive. More so then usual. He keeps reminding me to eat, but he doesn't push. He asks me about going back to the nutritionist, but he doesn't nag. He looked worried and sad when he heard I still purge, but he wasn't cruel. He didn't tell me off, he was just concerned. He was worried. He cares about me and he's worried I'm doing permenant damage to myself.

He keeps coming over. More often then he used too. Twice last weekend. Twice this weekend. Sunday night we're going to dinner with some mutual friends. I love him so much. I know I need to let it happen, if it's going to happen. I need to get myself together. Prove my independence and not push it. I know we were meant to be together, but he needs to see that before It will work. I just need him to remember why he fell in love with me.

My weight is up and down like a friggen yo yo. It's down, it's up. Today it's up, so I've restricted. I've got my period, 8 fucking days early, so who knows.

I.NEED.TO.STOP.EATING.LIKE.A.FUCKING.PIG

NO MORE JUNK.

PERSONAL CHALLENGE TO MYSELF

One day without crap.

Meal plan for tomorrow:

chocolate milk for breakfast (no fat, low sugar - hopefully kill the cravings)

pineapple and fruit for lunch

If not out for dinner, piece of home made pie.

I know its more calories then I'd like, but I've been eating not a lot lately. What I have been eating is pure crap, so I figure If I stick to healthy, then gradually reduce, I won't further kill my already stuffed up metabolism.

Thank the Lord for my weekend off.

2008,,,,,,,, I really hope it's better......

2007. The year my Dad died. The year my ex started seeing someone else. The year I realized that one of my best friends loves me, but we could never work because he's 50 years old and has two teenage children. The year I took a job that I thought would be so much better, but turns out I can't stand. The year I moved into a unit by-myself. The year my family started to tear apart.

2008 has to be better. It has to. If I'm still at this point at this time this year, I don't know what I'll do.

My New Years Resolutions:

1st list - The one's I'll tell my friends and family

1) Find a job I like

2) Organize myself better.

3) Concentrate more on my studies and do well.

4) Decide what I want to do with my education degree


2nd list - My real one's

1) Find a job I love, not just like

2) Loose another 15 - 20lb. Lost the same amount last year. I can do it again.

3) Organize myself better.

4) Ace my studies. I don't care what it takes.

5) Decide on my education degree

6) Get my ex back to me. I love him.

Christmas Day, 2007

Merry Christmas, Daddy.

I love you. I miss you.

All I want for Christmas is you.....

I see you look at me. Last night, I saw that smile. That familiar smile. That smile you reserve.... We were talking to a group of people, our eyes met and that smile.... you made my heart melt...

Please, just remember? I'm not asking for a miraculous thing, I'm not asking for the impossible.. I just want you to remember why we fell in love. Remember why you loved me. I'll do the rest. I'll fix what was wrong. The way I was too needy. The way I was too possessive. I'm going to get my depression under control next year, with medication, I just ask that you look. Look deep into your heart. Look deep into my eyes. It's still there, somewhere. You just need to find it. Need to remember. Need to look for what you saw 5 1/2 years ago. It's still there. I know it is. I saw it last night.

For you, and only you.....

I ate. Just for you. No-one else. You said I should. You wanted me to. I did it. One small meal.
I won't tell you about the laxatives that follow. I won't tell you I missed my last treatment session because it got to hard. I'll just tell you I ate and watch you smile.

It's Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday. I will finish my Christmas shopping . I'll try to relax. Then, I will go up there and see..... the older man. My.... friend??? I still don't know what to call him. Every week is different. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I FINALLY FUCKING DID IT. The bloody marketing assignment is finished. My last assignment for the year. After I lost half the fucking thing because of a computer glitch, I re-did it and it's done. 22 pages. Was it any good? Who knows. I never do. I wanted to maintain my credit average, but I doubt I did. This course just got too hard. The work itself is fine, but between my work, my attempted treatment and my disorder, it just got too hard.

Next year will be worse. Next year scares me beyond belief.

He gave me the contacts, he organized the meetings. Now, I have two places to do work experience, something vital to me if I want to get anywhere. I'll need it to get a job.

But I also work full time. More then full time, really. I also study full time. I struggle to get through the days NOW. Next year, I'm going to be that busy..... But I have to do it. For HIM. So I can get the job I want. So I can have something to do that I actually ENJOY! I want to enjoy my job. I want a job I love. It is the only way. I will let him guide me. Help me. Keep me sane. He better.

I still don't know what's wrong with me. As I type, my hands ache. They tingle. They feel so weird. I don't know how to explain it. It really hurts. The veins are bulging out. I haven't been back to the doctor. I was supposed to. I also wanted to get a second opinion. Funny how life gets in the way. No time to worry about my health. Christmas is almost here and I work at a petrol station full of idiots.

4 days to go.....

My first sick day ever. Yikes!

I woke up at 6.30am feeling like death on legs. I'd already thrown up at 2am, 4.20am and 5am, so by 6.30am, I was..... well, without swearing... rooted. So, I rang up work. I called in sick. A good thing, really, as the next time I woke up it was 10am. If I'd called in then, I would have been well and truly stuffed. It wouldn't have gone down well.

By 10am I felt a little better, but then I tried to eat a piece of toast and all hell broke loose inside my stomach...

So, I stuck to mostly liquids all day. I had some fruit tonight, so far it's sitting alright....

But I still can't help but feel guilty...

Like I shouldn't have done it. I'm taking a half day on Saturday, now this?????

I know it's not like I planned it, but.. oh well.

I've just been so tired lately. I've got this assignment to finish, questions to answer and Christmas getting SOOOOO close. One week tomorrow, for goodness sake!! I'm just so overwhelmed. I thought my upset stomach was from a piece of cake that may or may not have had orange juice in it. I'm allergic to orange juice, so I thought that it was in it and made me sick. But maybe it's just stress. It's happened before, I get so worked up over things and it just makes my stomach churn and hurt, maybe the holidays as well as my uni work and other work means that it's just sent my stomach over the edge.

I don't know. It could also be psychological. I hate my work so much that it's affecting my body. I don't know. I'm just so tired and hating my work so much.

If I thought for one minute I could live on unemployment, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't.

Oh well. Back to work.

48 hours, then it will be done....

My two days of working hell will be finished. My two days on the register. My two days working 12pm till 8pm. I hate it. I didn't take this job to be a glorified console operator for fuck sake. Can't they see that it's making people leave?? Managers are quiting left right and center. We don't want to do it. It's not why we took these jobs.

If I can just get till 8pm Tuesday night, the week will pretty much be over for me. Wednesday is my normal work day, Wednesday night HE is coming over for our weekday catch up. Thursday and Friday I'm OFF, thank the Lord. Saturday, I'm only working a few hours and Sunday will be easier, as HE is coming over that night. Then, the next week is Christmas week....

I don't want it to come, yet I just want it over. The first Christmas without my Dad. My first Christmas waking up in a house alone. Thankfully, I'm working from 5am till 10am, so I'll only be awake for a few minutes before I have to go to work.

He was here again today. We talked, we watched things. He gave me tissues when I cried. I just wish he'd put his arms around me.... But he doesn't. I think it's because he doesn't want to give mixed signals, or maybe he just doesn't know if he should..... I don't know..... I just wish he'd take me in his arms and hold me tight. Sometimes I see that familiar smile... that twinkle.... I don't know. I still hope. I live for that hope.

I purged again today. I knew I would. A take away breakfast and a take away lunch was always going to do it. I just couldn't keep it down. I tried so hard, but he left soon after lunch and...

It's 10pm and I'm starving. It's a great feeling. I feel empty and happy because of it. Tomorrow, the scales will tell me what today will cost me.