'Cause 2008 has really sucked arse.
I'm still stuck in a job I hate. I've go no money. My credit rating has been screwed.
Next year I will get organized and get HAPPY.
I'm not putting any other pressures on myself but that. No more promises. No more crappy resolutions. Just get my shit together and get a happy life.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
14 weeks.....
That's how long it's been since I purged. Am I proud? HELL YES. Has it been hard? FUCK YEAH.
I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.
No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.
So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.
Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.
I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.
I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.
My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.
I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.
Bye for now.
I still want to. Sometimes I go to the bathroom, hang my head over the toilet and wish it would come up on it's own, then I could just claim that I'm 'sick'. But even after purging for years, I was never able to do it without out assistance. I always saw it as a failure, but it's probably saved my life.
No matter how strong the urge is, however, I haven't done it. Is it mostly because I don't want to disappoint G? Yes. I figure any reason is a good reason.
So I still act out on my disordered behaviors? Yes, I do. I still starve. I still count. I still beat myself up over everything that goes in my mouth that I don't think should have. Eating in public scares me and I don't do it. Eating at work, in front of people scares me and I don't do it. I figure one step at a time.
Now that my antidepressants have kicked in, I'm going to go back to my psychologist. I'm also going to ask the Eating Disorder Association to recommend someone for me. I need someone who actually UNDERSTANDS my issues, instead of just thinks they do.
I know it's all I ever talk about, but work is still hellish. Next week, if my evaluation goes well, I will be promoted to a Store Manager on a permanent basis. BIG WOOP.
I did, however, land a voluntary position in the Arts, which should help me get the experience that I need. Again, progress.
My finances are still fucked. I owe thousands and I don't have it.
I'm also still not sleeping and am on sleeping tablets. I can only take them 3 times a week, though, so I'm just having to cope with that at the moment.
Bye for now.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Somehow, I think I missed what happens next....
At 28 year old, I've had two serious relationships.
The first - if you could call it a relationship - was with my employer. He was married, but started a physical relationship with me at 19 years of age. The affair lasted 3 years. I loved him, but he didn't love me back - or so I thought. It turns out that the idea of being with someone 17 years younger then him scared him off. I was also his employee and he didn't want the 'town talking'. Just a few months ago, he says he regrets not trying harder.
My second relationship was with G. He was a friend of my brothers and we met after a show they did together. I mentioned to my brother that he seemed nice and the next thing I know my brother had set up a lunch with the three of us. After a day spent together, we'd exchanged details and 4 weeks later I'd moved in with him. 4 years and 4 months later, he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and that he hadn't for some time. 10 months after that, we each moved out. I still see him, but he has another girl friend.
4 months ago, a new sales rep came into my store. We got chatting and it became a regular occurrence that he'd come in and we'd spend most of the time talking to each other. He's funny, quite good looking and really interesting. I don't really know how much we have in common, but I do know that 2 years and 6 months after G broke my heart, I'm interested in someone else for the first time.
The thing is, some where along the lines, I missed what happens next. I never found out what you do after you realise you like someone.
As bad as this sounds, I've never had to fight or pursue someone. My first relationship was initiated by the guy and the second was one of those unique moments where you both fall for each other at exactly the same second.
I think this guy is interested in me. Other stores have told me that he only ever spends 15 or 20 minutes there, yet at my stores, it's always double that. Yesterday, we spent the better part of a hour talking to each other. He seems to try and time his runs to my store to be the last stop.
I just don't know what to do. After G, I'm terrified of being rejected again.
What happens next? What am I supposed to do???
The first - if you could call it a relationship - was with my employer. He was married, but started a physical relationship with me at 19 years of age. The affair lasted 3 years. I loved him, but he didn't love me back - or so I thought. It turns out that the idea of being with someone 17 years younger then him scared him off. I was also his employee and he didn't want the 'town talking'. Just a few months ago, he says he regrets not trying harder.
My second relationship was with G. He was a friend of my brothers and we met after a show they did together. I mentioned to my brother that he seemed nice and the next thing I know my brother had set up a lunch with the three of us. After a day spent together, we'd exchanged details and 4 weeks later I'd moved in with him. 4 years and 4 months later, he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and that he hadn't for some time. 10 months after that, we each moved out. I still see him, but he has another girl friend.
4 months ago, a new sales rep came into my store. We got chatting and it became a regular occurrence that he'd come in and we'd spend most of the time talking to each other. He's funny, quite good looking and really interesting. I don't really know how much we have in common, but I do know that 2 years and 6 months after G broke my heart, I'm interested in someone else for the first time.
The thing is, some where along the lines, I missed what happens next. I never found out what you do after you realise you like someone.
As bad as this sounds, I've never had to fight or pursue someone. My first relationship was initiated by the guy and the second was one of those unique moments where you both fall for each other at exactly the same second.
I think this guy is interested in me. Other stores have told me that he only ever spends 15 or 20 minutes there, yet at my stores, it's always double that. Yesterday, we spent the better part of a hour talking to each other. He seems to try and time his runs to my store to be the last stop.
I just don't know what to do. After G, I'm terrified of being rejected again.
What happens next? What am I supposed to do???
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Update
I'm still purge free. 10 weeks. Should be proud but it's bloody hard. I've lost a huge part of my life and as well as being in a state of mourning, I've lost any ability to release pressure and stress. I've got nothing left.
My third Christmas in a job I despise is rapidly approaching, after I swore I wouldn't be there this time last year.
On a positive note, I was so proud that Obama won the race to the White House. Apart from supporting Democrat Policy, I know what it's like to be in a minority group and strive to be heard. I went through primary school and high school bullied because my family had no money, my Father was Chinese and I never fit in. I developed and eating disorder because I thought people would like me if I was thin and joined another minority group through that process as well. Black, white, yellow, male, female, whoever you are, you can achieve your dreams. THAT'S what Obama has told us.
I'm seeing a GP on Wednesday, with the intention to ask for anti depressants. I admit. I need them. Does this make me happy? NO FUCKING WAY. I've spent the last 5 years denying that I need them. The last five years telling myself I'm fine. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to be smiling and laughing one minute, then sobbing into my pillow for hours the next. That small, stupid things upset me and that I get angry over absolutely nothing. It's not okay. I admit it. It's not. It's not normal, it's not okay and my feeling like I want to take my own life isn't something I should just push past. I'm going to ask for a prescription. I will do it.
My third Christmas in a job I despise is rapidly approaching, after I swore I wouldn't be there this time last year.
On a positive note, I was so proud that Obama won the race to the White House. Apart from supporting Democrat Policy, I know what it's like to be in a minority group and strive to be heard. I went through primary school and high school bullied because my family had no money, my Father was Chinese and I never fit in. I developed and eating disorder because I thought people would like me if I was thin and joined another minority group through that process as well. Black, white, yellow, male, female, whoever you are, you can achieve your dreams. THAT'S what Obama has told us.
I'm seeing a GP on Wednesday, with the intention to ask for anti depressants. I admit. I need them. Does this make me happy? NO FUCKING WAY. I've spent the last 5 years denying that I need them. The last five years telling myself I'm fine. It's okay to feel like this. It's okay to be smiling and laughing one minute, then sobbing into my pillow for hours the next. That small, stupid things upset me and that I get angry over absolutely nothing. It's not okay. I admit it. It's not. It's not normal, it's not okay and my feeling like I want to take my own life isn't something I should just push past. I'm going to ask for a prescription. I will do it.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I HATE my job.
I'm a Store Manager. So FUCKING WHAT??? Yes, I have a job, yes I should be grateful I earn 'decent' money. Yes I should be grateful it's full time. WHY DOES THAT MEAN I CAN'T HATE IT? I get called into work at any bloody hour that staff feel like they don't want to work anymore. I get blamed for poor sales/performance, even thought the problem is NOBODY has money to buy things. It's apparently my fault that the weather is bad and blows things away, and that the last managers were fuckwits who ran the store into the ground with no idea or care in the world. I'm the one who has to make it right, in a job that I really didn't want in the first place, then I get told that the money i'm on and the fact that I have a job means that I don't really have the right to complain.
I'm watching my friends and relatives happily go on with their lives... get married, buy houses, get new phones, go out to the theatre, have friends over, find new partners.... where am I??? AT WORK. No one seems to understand that my job doesn't let me have a life. I had to give up full time study and go part time, because I missed the first 3 lectures of a course - because I had to work. If someone doesn't/can't go in, it's me that replaces them. We're 24 hours. Period.
My mother changed the time of her birthday party - to suit my sister. My sister has something on that night. When I mentioned that I probably couldn't go, due to the time, she said 'oh, well I've already changed it because your sister couldn't make it. Oh well'. My sisters fucking social life came over my employment. I work weekends, public holidays, Christmas day. Nights, whatever. I don't work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday like ever other person I know.
I hate it. I'm sick of being punished. I'm sick of being left behind. I want out. NOW.
I'm watching my friends and relatives happily go on with their lives... get married, buy houses, get new phones, go out to the theatre, have friends over, find new partners.... where am I??? AT WORK. No one seems to understand that my job doesn't let me have a life. I had to give up full time study and go part time, because I missed the first 3 lectures of a course - because I had to work. If someone doesn't/can't go in, it's me that replaces them. We're 24 hours. Period.
My mother changed the time of her birthday party - to suit my sister. My sister has something on that night. When I mentioned that I probably couldn't go, due to the time, she said 'oh, well I've already changed it because your sister couldn't make it. Oh well'. My sisters fucking social life came over my employment. I work weekends, public holidays, Christmas day. Nights, whatever. I don't work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday like ever other person I know.
I hate it. I'm sick of being punished. I'm sick of being left behind. I want out. NOW.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Another month..... and a BIG milestone.....
Tomorrow, I will be purge free for 1 whole month. It is the longest I've gone in over four years. I may actually be longer then that, I'm not really sure....
My last date of purging was on Thursday the 28th of August. Why did I stop? Lots of reasons, but my teeth were/are a big factor. I looked into the mirror on the Thursday and saw that my two front teeth are going grey and more translucent. They're wasting away. Aside from that, I was getting crippling stomach cramps, which I put down to something relating to my period or another reproductive system problem - but which went away when I stopped purging. Every time I ate, the food either started to come up on its own, because that's what my body thought it was supposed to do - or I would get more cramps and feel so bloated, that I purged just to stop it. It was a cruel cycle.
Now, I'm eating, sort of. I will admit to fasting. I will admit that I skip meals, see how long I can go without eating, limit my calories and exercise more, but as I keep telling myself, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Yes, my body still isn't happy with food inside it and I get bloated easily, feel sick sometimes just from eating and have other.... digestive issues, but I know I needed to stop. It was stop, or have my body stop.
In other news, I've been promoted at work. I am now a store manager. More responsibility, stress, hours and problems for $11 extra a week. I can't complain, it's what I wanted. It's what I wanted in THIS job, anyway.
I still want a new job. I keep looking, keep applying and NOTHING. It's starting to depress me more then anything else at the moment.
My sessions with the psychologist are going alright, I guess, but I'm avoiding him at the moment. It's a long way away to see him and it's draining to spend an hour and 15 minutes talking about my problems and finding only dead ends, rather then solutions. I know I have to go, but I need to have the energy to do it, otherwise it's pointless.
I'm still seeing my ex. I still want more from him, but for now, I'm happy for the laughter, stories and experiences we share. I want to make our time a enjoyable distraction from the time his spends stressing about his work and other things. Maybe he'll want something more, eventually.... I can only dream....
My studies are going well. I got a Distinction for one of my Masters classes and am still waiting for the other grade. The funny thing is, I'll actually complete the qualifications for my Masters, before I complete the ones for my Grad Dip. How silly is that!!! I'm actually starting to think about what to study next.....
Tomorrow, I start eight days in a row at work. All by myself. No assistant. Anything happens, there is only me to be contacted. It's going to be hellish, I can tell.
My last date of purging was on Thursday the 28th of August. Why did I stop? Lots of reasons, but my teeth were/are a big factor. I looked into the mirror on the Thursday and saw that my two front teeth are going grey and more translucent. They're wasting away. Aside from that, I was getting crippling stomach cramps, which I put down to something relating to my period or another reproductive system problem - but which went away when I stopped purging. Every time I ate, the food either started to come up on its own, because that's what my body thought it was supposed to do - or I would get more cramps and feel so bloated, that I purged just to stop it. It was a cruel cycle.
Now, I'm eating, sort of. I will admit to fasting. I will admit that I skip meals, see how long I can go without eating, limit my calories and exercise more, but as I keep telling myself, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Yes, my body still isn't happy with food inside it and I get bloated easily, feel sick sometimes just from eating and have other.... digestive issues, but I know I needed to stop. It was stop, or have my body stop.
In other news, I've been promoted at work. I am now a store manager. More responsibility, stress, hours and problems for $11 extra a week. I can't complain, it's what I wanted. It's what I wanted in THIS job, anyway.
I still want a new job. I keep looking, keep applying and NOTHING. It's starting to depress me more then anything else at the moment.
My sessions with the psychologist are going alright, I guess, but I'm avoiding him at the moment. It's a long way away to see him and it's draining to spend an hour and 15 minutes talking about my problems and finding only dead ends, rather then solutions. I know I have to go, but I need to have the energy to do it, otherwise it's pointless.
I'm still seeing my ex. I still want more from him, but for now, I'm happy for the laughter, stories and experiences we share. I want to make our time a enjoyable distraction from the time his spends stressing about his work and other things. Maybe he'll want something more, eventually.... I can only dream....
My studies are going well. I got a Distinction for one of my Masters classes and am still waiting for the other grade. The funny thing is, I'll actually complete the qualifications for my Masters, before I complete the ones for my Grad Dip. How silly is that!!! I'm actually starting to think about what to study next.....
Tomorrow, I start eight days in a row at work. All by myself. No assistant. Anything happens, there is only me to be contacted. It's going to be hellish, I can tell.
Friday, August 15, 2008
I know, it's been almost 3 months......
It's true, life gets in the way of you living life.
I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.
University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.
I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.
I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.
He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.
My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.
I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.
My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.
I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?
Oh well.
I'm still at my same job. Not a single interview. No feedback, no explanation as to what I'm doing wrong, nothing. They've made me the manager this month. I get a whole extra $11 per week, because my taxes get higher and I have to pay back student loans. Oh well. No afternoon work and no till work makes up for it, I guess.
University is going well. I'm doing a course with my ex, which is lovely. I love learning with him and being able to have discussions about our studies. It gives us a lot to talk about.
I still see him regularly. A while ago, his girlfriend to him he couldn't see me anymore and I was devastated. We talked it out and after a while, she agreed that she doesn't have the right to tell him who he can't and can be friends with. She actually seems nice, the few times I've met her. I hate that. She is possessive, though, and she seems to treat him as more of a trophy then as a wonderful person. More of a 'look, I have a man in my life, everyone look at me!!' type thing. I guess he'll either accept that and be happy to be her prize, or he'll realize that he has more to offer and get tired of it. Either way, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to still have him in my life and I treasure every moment he gives me.
I've started seeing a psychologist. He knows about my bulimia, my anxiety and my depression. He actually diagnosed me before I had a chance to really tell him. Apparently he just had a 'feeling' that I'd suffered from an eating disorder. It was funny how I just confirmed his belief so quickly, usually I deny it until doctors really look at me medically. I told him about my anorexia for many years. He asked me how I'd managed to keep it a secret for so long and I told him it just manifested into a different form. He asked me if I vomited and I said yes. Just like that. It was so strange to hear myself say it.
He's treating my anxiety and stress problems first. Hypnosis and relaxation techniques are both things he's trying. He seems nice, I guess. He's trying to get me to like myself again, something I haven't done for as long as I can remember. I'm so far willing to try what he's asked of me. I'm sick of feeling the way I feel and want it to stop. I know I need to trust him to help me, so I'm willing to try. He did, at one stage, suggest I might have been abused as a child. I'm positive I wasn't, and told him so. He hasn't brought it up again, thankfully. I'm willing to try, but if he attempts to damage my memories of my father and makes me doubt my Dad's love for me, I'll walk out the door with no hesitation.
My friend told me that he loves me a little while ago. He broke up with his girlfriend, not over me, I don't think, but because he realized that he couldn't love her and she couldn't love him. I feel bad for him, because I don't think I'll ever love him back the way he wants me too. He's been really sad lately and that hurts me. I don't like hurting people.
I haven't heard from R since the last time. Since he told me he regretted not being with me and we had sex. Is he scared? Busy? Avoiding me? Fuck knows.
My eating disorder is hell at the moment. Some days I've managed to restrict to nothing, other days I've binged and purged several times a day. I'm either light headed from purging or restricting, or I'm bloated from over eating and purging. I had the way I look and feel.
I just wish I wasn't so alone. I want to be loved and cuddled. Is that too much to ask?
Oh well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)