Get experience, they say.
So I did. I'm the assistant manager of a service station. Admin experience to the max.
I'm doing my degree. Art's Management. That's what they told me to do.
So why am I missing out on jobs????? It looks like I didn't even get an interview for an arts admin job. I've got admin experience, I have a drama degree. What more could they want???
If I don't hear back from the second job, workshop coordinator, that's it for that one two. I have taught workshops before, and again, I have the admin and the arts experience. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???
Am I now TO qualified. Are they afraid I'm going to get bored and LEAVE? Do they think I'm going to be after THEIR jobs??? I don't understand, I really don't. I'm under qualified, I'm too qualified. I just want I job that I'll like. That's all. I didn't think it was so hard. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. I want to know why I don't deserve to be happy.
I'm great at I job I HATE and I'm sick of it.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Eating disorder #1 - Me - #0
Well, the eating disorder won this week.
On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.
Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.
Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.
Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.
The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.
Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.
Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.
I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.
I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.
Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.
On Tuesday night, I made dinner for my ex. We had burritos. I purged after he left, even though I'd eaten about two hours before. It was almost nothing but acid, but after a day of purging, I purged again.
Wednesday I woke up feeling really ill. I felt sick to my stomach, my throat was really sore and my chest started to hurt during the day. I was so scared that I'd either ruptured my esophagus, or done some other damage, I almost called my ex to get him to take me to the hospital. After about 6 hours, the chest pains stopped. I think that maybe I tore my esophagus and the chest pain was heart burn, or maybe all the purging just hurt my sternum. I didn't eat most of the day as a result. I had soup for dinner and that was it.
Thursday, I didn't eat all day again. I still feel nauseous, so I thought it was best that I didn't put any food in my stomach. I had some risotto that night, because my ex came over, but that was all.
Friday I gave in and ate breakfast. By the time I got home, I was ravenous, so I ate and ate and ate. The result? I purged again. You would have thought that my scare on Tuesday would have prevented me from doing it, at least for a while, but no. At the pub that night, I had a few potato wedges, but that was all.
The scary thing? That night, I was talking with S, a friend of mine. We were discussing the trip we'd made a few weeks ago. We were talking about my eating habits, and he mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat. We'd had subway on the way home. He mentioned that at least he'd seen me eat something reasonable - then his exact words were "as long as you didn't go to the toilet and stick your fingers down your throat and bring it back up again". He still remembers. He remembers that one night, about 7 years ago, we'd been talking about my eating habits. He knew I had an eating disorder then. He still knows I have one now. He's one of four people that know. That night all those years ago, I'd had a little too much to drink. He knew I starved myself. Then he said that at least I wasn't one of those people who made them sick. I said nothing. He then realized that I did. That was seven years ago and he still remembers.
Yesterday, I limited my food to just a sandwich for breakfast. Then for dinner, I went to KFC, had a twister, fries, Pepsi, a small Pavlova and a chocolate bar. After so little food the past few days, I swear my stomach must have shrunk, because I felt so full and sick and bloated, that it wasn't funny. As a punishment for my little self control, I made myself not purge. I took laxatives instead.
Today, I've been eating and purging all day. I've consumed various junk food, taking laxatives and purged on and off all day. I tried to purge again, once my ex left, but I've run out of energy. I feel so sick and exhausted, that I've had enought. I've taking more laxatives, so hopefully that will help.
I don't even want to THINK about the weight I've gained. These past few months, I've put so much weight back on, that it isn't funny. Last year, when I started as an assistant manager and finally gained control back, I lost more then 40lb in a few months. I've gained at LEAST 15lb back these past few months.
I HAVE to get rid of them. I have to. I need my control back. I WILL get my control back.
Control my eating, control my work, control my LIFE.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Bloody hell.... I can't control myself, can I?????
Yesterday, after a binge/purge session, I decided that a dinner of spinach and fruit, followed by laxatives was in order. Flush my system out so I could start again. Well, the laxatives took affect, after a night of cramping and dehydration, and I thought I'd be ok.
Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.
So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.
On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.
So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.
So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!
How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.
Then, my work situation begins to stress me out. Basically, there are two jobs I've applied for. One is in arts admin. The job is ok, the money is great and the hours are great. The other is a workshop coordinators position. The money isn't so great and the hours aren't so great, but hey, its an arts job so I can't complain. But then I thought 'what if I don't get either job?' I'd be stuck as a crappy assistant manager, with crappy hours and hate my life even more then I already do. So, when my boss sent out an email asking for current assistant managers to put their names forth for management promotions, I thought I'd give it a go. It took a lot of time, but I thought 'what the hell?' so last night, at 9pm, I went back to work and wrote the email.
So what are my thoughts all night? What if the good Lord decides that I'm not such a bad person after all, and I get offered more then one position? What if I had to chose between a managment job at my current company, and an arts job??? I can't give up a job that's going to take me further towards my ultimate career goals, but how stupid and ungrateful will I look, if I turn down a managment job that I pushed for??? I'm going to disappoint someone I really like and make myself look stupid in the process.
On top of that, I had to have a meeting with my university coordinator today (extremely cute, talented, funny etc, but WAY out of my league), to discuss my progress. Basically, my eating disorder, work stress and depression, as well as the one year anniversary of my Dad's death took it's toll on me and I didn't complete any course work for one semester. It should be okay, though. Pick things up next module and go for a with drawl based on every thing I've just mentioned. I didn't tell him about my problems, though. He kept asking if I'd be okay, but I dodged his questions. I based my reasons for my not doing work on my actual work. He didn't seem convinced, though, but I really wasn't ready to open up to him. I don't know him that well and I didn't want to make him feel.... uncomfortable.
So, with all that going on, I actually purged three times today. I had a small snack in the morning, then that moved into a binge, which lead to a purge. After I tried to have lunch, the same thing happened again. Then my ex came over for dinner, I just tried to purge then, some two and a half hours after I finished eating. All I got was liquid and acid. My throat is extremely sore now. I KNOW that it doesn't really do any good purging at this point. I just wanted to stop feeling so fucking FULL. But trying to purge after purging twice already really hurt me, so I stopped. I took more laxatives instead. After they initially took affect today, I thought they'd done their job, but twice later on, I had to run to the toilet. What made me take them again tonight, I don't know. But I did.
So, I wait for them to work tomorrow. I'll be drinking shit loads of water before bed, so hopefully they'll work before I go to work!!!
How I hate living a life of an eating disorder.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
As promised.....
This, I stole from Masq.....
Two Names You Go By:
Amie
Strayed
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
Black pants
Purple shirt dress
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
Love
Humor
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
Act (on the stage)
Spend time with friends
Two pets you had/have:
Allie - Domestic short hair
Dilly - I thought domestic, but now believe to be Maine Coon
Two Things You Want sooner rather than later.
To be loved
Financial stability
Two things you did last night:
Slept
Watched A LOT of TV
Two things you ate today:
McDonalds (Sometimes I hate my ex...)
Pumpkin soup (99% fat free)
Two people you Last Talked To:
In person:
My ex
Person who sold me my groceries
On the phone:
My ex
My boss
In my head or under my breath:
My sister
Masq!!!
Two Things You’re doing tomorrow:
Writing an email to my boss
Sorting out my Beanie Kids
Two longest car rides:
Adelaide to Melbourne
Adelaide to Sydney (Bus really, but still excruciating)
Two Favorite Drinks:
Peppermint tea
Creaming soda
I have a major work dilemma that's doing my head in. Put my name forth to be promoted to store manager, or keep my mouth shut and hope I get one of the two jobs I've applied for. If I put my name forth, then leave if I get one of my other jobs, I'm going to have made trouble with my boss, by showing interest and having her consider me, when I had not intention of taking the job. I'm also going to look like I'm.... double crossing... I don't know.
If I don't put my name forth, then miss out on my other jobs, I'm left in a position that I don't like. That I can't grow in and feel smothered by.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Two Names You Go By:
Amie
Strayed
Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
Black pants
Purple shirt dress
Two Things You Would Want in a Relationship:
Love
Humor
Two of Your Favorite Things to do:
Act (on the stage)
Spend time with friends
Two pets you had/have:
Allie - Domestic short hair
Dilly - I thought domestic, but now believe to be Maine Coon
Two Things You Want sooner rather than later.
To be loved
Financial stability
Two things you did last night:
Slept
Watched A LOT of TV
Two things you ate today:
McDonalds (Sometimes I hate my ex...)
Pumpkin soup (99% fat free)
Two people you Last Talked To:
In person:
My ex
Person who sold me my groceries
On the phone:
My ex
My boss
In my head or under my breath:
My sister
Masq!!!
Two Things You’re doing tomorrow:
Writing an email to my boss
Sorting out my Beanie Kids
Two longest car rides:
Adelaide to Melbourne
Adelaide to Sydney (Bus really, but still excruciating)
Two Favorite Drinks:
Peppermint tea
Creaming soda
I have a major work dilemma that's doing my head in. Put my name forth to be promoted to store manager, or keep my mouth shut and hope I get one of the two jobs I've applied for. If I put my name forth, then leave if I get one of my other jobs, I'm going to have made trouble with my boss, by showing interest and having her consider me, when I had not intention of taking the job. I'm also going to look like I'm.... double crossing... I don't know.
If I don't put my name forth, then miss out on my other jobs, I'm left in a position that I don't like. That I can't grow in and feel smothered by.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Oh my.......what a weekend.....
My weekend away was...... I don't really know where to start...
The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.
Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.
Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.
The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.
He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.
But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.
The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!
I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.
On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.
So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.
The trip there was... interesting. S and my friend are not the most stimulating traveling companions, but oh well. They drank alcohol most of the time and I really don't even remember what we talked about, suffice to say that it wasn't the most intellectual conversation. We did get there, however. It took about four hours.
Once we were there, R came out to meet us. His wifes Dad was there and unfortunately, we woke up Z, R's son. We chatted till well past midnight. B came home eventally and we went to bed somewhere past 2am.
Anyway, it wasn't till the next morning that things got... interesting.... R asked me to take him to the local shops, to buy the morning paper. It was only about 30 seconds into the trip, that he started... touching me. Now, don't get me wrong, it's nothing we didn't used to do before. When he was teaching me to drive, he used to play a 'concentration' game. He used to like to see how far he could get with me, while I was driving, to see how well I could concentrate on the road. Any how, he was fooling around with me, telling me how much he'd missed it, did I still think about it, did I like it, etc, then the conversation went a bit.. strange. He told me that he really missed me. He missed the fun we used to have, our chats, our sexual relationship. He said he often had dreams about me and that he had some regrets about the way things went. It was as if he wanted to say that he regretted not taking things further with us, but just didn't want to or didn't know how to say it.
The thing is, is that HE was the one who stopped our relationship, both times. I was 19 and he was 36 when our sexual relationship started. He was also married. It started in the pub, where he was the boss and I was one of the employees and it went on for about 3 years. After the first year and a bit, he divorced his wife and while our relationship never was made public, I would stay over his house, we'd have dinner together, lots of things. Then, he found a girlfriend and it stopped for about 8 months. She broke his heart and we started up again, right till he moved away and eventually find his wife.
He always said that he never really wanted anything more from what we had. He knew I loved him, but on our first night together, I got a little frightened and told him that I was young enough to be his daughter and that thought stuck with him. Once he left his wife, he said he was happy for us to play around and see where things went, but that he sort of hoped things didn't. One night, he said that if things were a little different - if I was older, he was younger, if he wasn't my boss, if we'd met somewhere else, outside of work - that maybe things might have been different, but that was along time ago. He moved away, I found a partner - now my ex - and he got married. Since he got married, we'd fooled around twice. My ex never knew.
But in the car, it seemed he wanted more from us now. He kept mentioning that he wanted to see me again. That once his leg had gotten better, he'd be free to drive down and see me. That he wanted to get me alone. I thought he meant for a chat, but apparently not.
The next morning, the same thing happened. We fooled around in the car and he kept saying the I was gorgeous and that we had to get together again.
I don't know how I feel about it. Yes, I want him. Yes it's been a hell of a long time since I've had sex and even longer that someone's felt that attracted to me. I just don't know how I feel about him cheating on his family. Especially since this time, he has a son. A beautiful boy that I grew quite close too. On a different note, I don't think I want children for a while!
I guess I'll just wait and see. I need to talk to him. Get him alone and find out what he's really feeling. Does he really want something more? Does he really have regrets? I really need to know. He was my first love. My first kiss, my first everything. Age never mattered and I still care for him deeply. We just need to talk.
On another note, my feelings for my friend are defiantly not there. I don't find him attractive, we have nothing in common and he can't talk to me properly, without alcohol. I couldn't go down that path.
So, overall, an interesting weekend! It's Easter Sunday tomorrow, and I'm working. I've had the last three days off, and I'm going to HATE going back to work. I've applied for a different job and tomorrow, I'm applying for another. Part of me hates the idea of waiting another year till I get holidays. I'm due for them in May.
The second job has crappy hours and a crappy wage. But I hate my current job so much, I can't help it. I have to get out.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Well, I'm off in an hour...
My weekend away with my friend and S, to see R. My week with N is over and I'm really sad about it. He's found another job, too. Moving away and everything.
My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.
This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!
My nights out with my ex were a lot of fun. We saw shows, we ate food, we had a lot of fun. Next week, it will be less hectic and we can have more fun.
This is a short post. I'm off soon and haven't packed yet!!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Happy Birthday to me!
I went to work today. For three hours, on my birthday, what was supposed to be my day off, I went into work. I did it for him. For N. I want him to see my dedication. Yes, I don't like my job. I'm smarter then my job. I outgrew it after my three months of training. But this doesn't mean my commitment and dedication leaves my work. I take pride in my work. I want to do it well, even thought I can't say that I enjoy it or even like it. N and I always have fun, though. We laugh and tease each other, while getting work done. It's probably the best working relationship I've had in a long time. I just wish we could actually BECOME involved.
My ex rang at about 10am. He'd come over, so I left work to join him. Bless the wonderful man. He'd done the dishes, cleaned my kitchen, organized my house and stayed all day with my family. Most of my family were here. My sister and cousin couldn't make it, but that's alright. My ex served food, found drinks, moved chairs, took plates away and was just amazing. He made me laugh and was a darling.
R rang and left the funniest message this morning. I unfortunately missed his call, but it started with 'g'day you gorgeous, sexy, young 28 year old'. He always makes me laugh, that man. I love him to death. I'll get to see him this weekend. I'm a little apprehensive and nervous, but I know it will be great fun. Our time together always is.
So, that's my birthday for 2008. If my Dad were here, it would have been perfect. Well, almost perfect. If my ex actually loved me back and we were together again as partners, then it would have been perfect.
I love you, Dad.
My ex rang at about 10am. He'd come over, so I left work to join him. Bless the wonderful man. He'd done the dishes, cleaned my kitchen, organized my house and stayed all day with my family. Most of my family were here. My sister and cousin couldn't make it, but that's alright. My ex served food, found drinks, moved chairs, took plates away and was just amazing. He made me laugh and was a darling.
R rang and left the funniest message this morning. I unfortunately missed his call, but it started with 'g'day you gorgeous, sexy, young 28 year old'. He always makes me laugh, that man. I love him to death. I'll get to see him this weekend. I'm a little apprehensive and nervous, but I know it will be great fun. Our time together always is.
So, that's my birthday for 2008. If my Dad were here, it would have been perfect. Well, almost perfect. If my ex actually loved me back and we were together again as partners, then it would have been perfect.
I love you, Dad.
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